“….It’s About What?” Blog #32

What is the strongest force in all the world? What is life about, really?

Think about ALL the feelings you feel every single day. People tend to “live on their

feelings”. Many people let anger get to them, making their day useless. You can choose

JOY, or you can choose day in and day out, to live in dark feelings.

What feelings get you through each and every day?

Feelings can break you down. Feelings can build you up. Some feelings are so strong

and so fearful we totally stay stuck in that sticky dark, defining mode day in and day out.

There are the other feelings of being lonely that become overwhelming, then more

feelings of sadness and those heavy feelings of substantial sorrow that simmer inside of

us all. How DO we choose to deal with the lonely, sad feelings of sorrow? Sometimes

before we know it, as if this were not enough to knock the wind out of us, along come

those sneaky, debilitating feelings that harden our heart. The lasting, hang-on feelings

of bitterness and regret.

I could go on and on and rationalize any of these feelings to adapt to my own world

very easily. I suppose that in some way, most of us can. It becomes an easy road to

drive down arriving sooner that we realize at the comfort city of “Woe-is-me”. But why?

Why do this? First and, most importantly it becomes exhausting. Then it is important to

see, It’s just plain useless. Lastly, dark feelings harbored within us, break us down. The

dark days turn into months and the years ahead - bleak. So with that being said - What

is a feeling that makes you feel good? Accomplishing something that needs to be done

and you have put off, this is a feeling of success. The feeling of wanting to laugh,

laughter. It only takes a few muscles to laugh, and it takes hundreds more to frown.

The feeling of being happy takes effort in finding a happy memory. The feeling of

contentment in “doing a kind deed for……..?”

I was once told: “IF you want to get over feelings of depression, sadness and lonliness,

go out and do something for someone else, THEN EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN. This is

when you will begin to feel a powerful inner force working. The inner force of self-love.

We cannot love others until we learn to love ourself. When you push the dark feelings of

discontent away with the desire to help someone else, life begins to become more

meaningful. Then awesome feelings of LOVE take over. Our life begins to really make

sense inside and out.

There is an old saying that goes like this, “There but for the grace of God go I”. I believe

we are only here to help other people and learn our own lessons. To try and get behind

the people in our lives, (even those who have hurt us) with gentle, genuine unconditional

love. Try hard not to judge them, criticize or condemn them to other people. If we can

do this, then this is when life takes on a new meaning. HE is watching every move we

make. When we reach in and up and ask for HIS help, heaven opens its doors and

sends amazing angelic help in so many unseen ways. When we decide to start doing

the work that we know we are here to do, we no longer just exist, but now the healing

light, the loving Christ filled light is present 24/7.

I believe in love, because without true love, HIS love, as the song goes, “We just exist”.

There are and will always be three parts to our lives. ‘The past, which is gone forever

and like the tv channels - we can choose to remember the happy segments. Then

there is the future, we have totally no control. We have only the precious present to do

with as we want to now. Think about it, when people go on a vacation they most often

take a map. Do we have good directions to “Map” out our spiritual future? Most often,

we do not think about it. Lastly, there is the present - how defining a word it is wrapped

up in a present, is our “Present” where we live at this moment. I believe our thoughts

define us. Our thoughts define WHO we are.

I know how miraculous, comforting and safe I feel by taking HIS light into my life.

Daily purposeful, powerful waves of HIS true love vibrating throughout me.

As I close today I ask you simply this,

What are the “feelings” you have today, do you feel we are meant to take

more then we give?

NOW LISTEN TO SONG FOR TODAY - CLICK PLAY BUTTON IN VIDEO BELOW

''Painful & Profound” Blog #31

I write this blog today, as I do every week, in my daughter Bridget’s memory. Each week

I will try and help someone out there. Hoping my words may change someones mind

about their life choices. It has been fourteen months and fourteen days, since losing her.

I remember her laugh like yesterday. Maybe today my words can help stop another

person from losing interest in living life. I have no idea who actually reads this, I can only

hope you are moved enough to pass it on.

Today I am going to share two ncredible true stories that made a big difference in my

life. Whenever we are sad and down and out we need help to carry on. People can

affect people in miraculous ways. I know this, my life has changed one person at a time.

I believe that people were planted in my life as I needed them. Positive, productive,

prayerful people. One person at a time. Once I made up my mind, I decided I could no

longer do it alone. I humbled myself and I really did ask for help. You know what? HE

just showed up! How did HE do this? In other people. In events that happened to me.

In strong, significant signs that showed me the way.

Today I choose to share my two favorite stories with you, you can see the parallel they

both share. PAIN.

The first story I share is the painfully profound story of the Eagle. Did you know that the

eagle has the longest life span of its species? The eagle can live up to seventy years

But in order to reach this age, the eagle must make a painful and hard decision. In its

forties, the eagles long flexible talons can no longer grab prey which serve its food. Its

long sharp beak has now become bent. Its old, aged and heavy wings, due to their thick

feathers, have how become stuck to its chest and make it very difficult to fly.

Now the eagle is left with only two options: Die, or go through a painful process of

change which will last for 150 days. This process requires that the eagle fly to a

mountain top and sit on its nest. There the eagle knocks its beak against a rock until it

plucks it out. After plucking it out, the eagle will wait for a new beak to grow back. Then

it will pluck out its talons. When the new talons grow back, the eagle starts plucking out

its aged old feathers - one by one.

Then after five months, the eagle takes its famous flight of rebirth. It will now live another

thirty years. Why is change needed?

Many times, change is needed in order to survive. We have to start a new change

process. We sometimes have to get rid of old memories, old habits and other parts of

our life that are not working for us any longer. Things in our life that no longer serve us

well. Only freed from past burdens, can we then take advantage of our higher self life.

The beautiful life, we so deserve.

The Present.

Now for story number two.

HE was born in a stable in an obscure little village. From there he traveled less than 200

miles. HE never won an election. HE never went to collage. HE never owned a home. HE

never had a lot of money. HE became a nomadic preacher. Popular opinion turned

against him. HE was betrayed by a close friend and his other friends ran away. HE was

unjustly condemned to death. Crucified on a cross among common thieves, on a hill

overlooking the town dump.

And when dead, layed in a borrowed grave. Twenty centuries have come and gone,

empires have risen and fallen, mighty armies have marched. Yet no one man has

affected mankind as much as HE. HE is the central figure of the whole human race.

HE is the Messiah, the Son of God. Jesus Christ. {Spartan Arts}

There is only one truth is all of life. We can try to run, but we can never hide from

truth. Nothing in a person’s life will ever change until they decide to. Here’s a powerful

quote, “Keep doing the same thing and you will be guaranteed the same thing will keep

happening.” The truth is the unconditional love HE has for you and for me. WHY ignore

it?

So I close today giving you these two stories and ask you this question. In your own life,

has it brought you to the painful, profound place of truth now, how are you willing to

change?

NOW LISTEN TO SONG FOR TODAY - CLICK PLAY BUTTON IN VIDEO BELOW

“It’s Unfinished” Blog #30

When we realize we are here to learn our lessons and help other people, our life

then becomes meaningful. Someone once said to me: “Have you ever seen a

hearse with a luggage rack on it?” Other than being depressing, what could that

possibly mean to you or I?

Quite simply put - we can’t take it with us. All the things that we accumulate here

on earth, we can’t take. At the end of the day, we finally must realize that we

come into the world alone and go out of this world alone.

Yet, look at ALL the in between…..what are we all about? We most often, start in

a family and move up thru the family chain of one memory after another and then

we adopt to our new family of choice, a wife or husband and our own children.

Our own children to raise them as we see fit. What does this possibly mean?

I was reading some statistics the other day and it saddened me beyond

belief to see that the “family as we use to know it, does not exist anymore”.

Wives and husbands have gone their separate ways, children are raising

themselves and the saddest piece to all of this is that unfinished part. How

do we help the children find their way when they are lost in despair and sadness

and isolation? Things happen along the way, every day we experience some

part of life that affects us in a positive or a negative manner. I remember back…

I was at the top of my game. I was a super seller of homes and I knew it. My

husband and I were successful beyond our concept of how much money we

could possibly make in our mid twenties. We had a huge home, a healthy little boy,

a cabin and a speed boat. We both drove new cars and better still, we bought

anything we wanted to without a care in the world. In the back of my mind though,

I knew, I always knew something was not right. Life was perfect as long as I did

not slow down and think about it. There were parts of my family that were in

darkness. There were parts of my husband’s family that he never even wanted

to talk about, much less share. Then there was religion and faith and all that

stuff, all the stuff that we just did’nt bother getting into. We left it alone….

You might say it was unfinished business, but it was uncomfortable to talk

about. My husband came from a family that were not really believers in HIM

or practicing Christians. I was not either. I came from a family that said they were

“Christians” and they attended church religiously. However they lived contrary to

everything they said they believed in. It was so confusing that I swore that

when I got married, it just wasn’t going to matter. I wouldn’t think about it.

The important parts of my life were left unfinished.

Yet we brought children into the world without a strong faith to support us.

Now I look around and backwards at my own life decades ago and so much

sadness and sorrow and tragedy. I had no way to deal with all of this.

Today I know this one fact to be true.

IF I did not know HIM in my life, my life would be meaningless. IF I did not believe

all the family members that have died, are gone forever and I will never in all

eternity see them again, my life would be meaningless. IF my children came

to me and asked “Why mom, why did all this have to happen?” Then I would

have nothing to tell them. This is the reason so many people have no faith to pass on

to their children and the skyrocketing suicide numbers. IF my children came to me

and saw so much sadness around them, and for instance their best friend had just

died. “Why MOM, why did this have to happen?” IF I had nothing to tell them, then my

life AND their life would be meaningless.

It is time for each of us to look deep inside and see what it is that defines WHO

we are. We are being asked to do this in so many ways. Those of us that have

children, will have questions coming from them until the day that we die.

HOW WILL WE ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THEY HAVE?

What defines WHO you are? Can you honestly look into a little Childs face and not

want to talk about angels, and the Devine light of eternal love, HIS love? This is HIS

unconditional love for each and every one of us. This is faith and this is what keeps

family together. Even in divorce, children can feel the pain less, if the parents talk less

about blaming each other, and more about HIS love for supporting us. Children are

not born with hatred. Children are born with love for both parents. Of all the things that

you own, what is it that you own in your house that is religious? Our possessions cannot

possess us, things go away, people go away, But HIS love never leaves us. Remember

when I told you to close your eyes and sit very quietly with yourself and ask…..”who is my

guardian angel? the answer will come. It did for me. I am convinced beyond the

shadow of a doubt that there is something so beautiful beyond this life we are living.

I am convinced because I have had many miracles happen to me.

There was a movie out years ago that depicted what I am saying quite graphically.

If you get a chance, watch the movie with Demi Moore, “Ghost”. This movie shows

the darker side of life and Whoopi Goldberg brings in some funny lines, but it’s the end

of the movie that grips you, I can’t tell you what it is, for I will give it away. Watch the

movie and you will get it, no question.

I remember an interview that was given by Mother Theresa years ago, she

was one person that wound up with the Nobel Piece Prize. She did so much

good in the world in healing the leaper colonies and with the Little Sisters

of the Poor. She was a little bit of a woman with a strong constitution. She

was also in New York one year before she died and a newscaster was

interviewing her and asked her this question, “With so much grief in the world

how can any one person begin to make a difference?” Mother Theresa looked up

at him and smiled. “One person at a time”, she said. I also remember when

I was overcome with grief after loosing family members, my spiritual

counselor at the time told me something that has stuck with me for years.

“If you want to forget about your own grief, go out and help someone else.”

How unselfish that statement is right? But then, I also remember hearing

this, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears”. Whats missing in your life?

I will close on that note today and ask you simply this:

“Are you ready now to take care of some unfinished business?”

NOW LISTEN TO SONG FOR TODAY - CLICK PLAY BUTTON IN VIDEO BELOW

“Family Divided” Blog # 29

It’s funny what’s important to us at the end of the day. We may say to one

another, “oh, my family is no big deal. I haven’t seen them or spoken to them for

so long, I can’t even remember”. But we all know deep inside, exactly how badly it

hurts. I remember back almost thirty years ago when I first met my husband at

an Open House that I was having. It was somewhat ironic because I had been to

church that morning and silently told God that I wish I could meet someone

“without any baggage”. I wished for just a kind, honest, loving companion to go

on a date with. At any rate, he came to my Open House I was holding and

immediately explained that he didn’t even know why he was here because he

had gotten lost driving around and wasn’t really looking for a house to buy, but

maybe in the market for a nice townhome”. He took my card, called me later in

the week and by the following week, I had sold him a townhome that was just

beautiful!

I have to admit, after a big thank you bouquet of flowers and an invitation to go to

dinner the next week. We were dating and he was every much the gentleman

and kind and honest and loving man that I had prayed for in church a couple

months back. One Saturday morning he told me that he needed to go to a

nearby state to visit his father who had been hospitalized with a large tumor on

his lung. He also told me that his mother had passed away years before and he

was an only child. I jumped at the chance to take the four hour drive down on a

sunny Saturday morning. I was told we would spend an hour or two max, and

then drive back to town in time for a nice dinner. None of it happened the way we

expected. I did get to meet his charming father. My husband was excited to have

his dad meet me and I liked him right away. He looked so small in the big hospital

bed but his attitude was cheerful and we talked and laughed as he offered me

a butter mint. However, just as he was about to say something else, the nurse

walked in. She told us she needed to give him a breathing treatment and could

we wait in the lobby for about thirty minutes? When we stepped out of his

hospital room, my future husband told me he had a couple of important business

calls to make and would be back shortly. I sat down and tried looking at a

magazine on a table next to me. Ten or twenty minutes passed and his fathers

nurse came out of the room and walked up to me looking very serious. “You

know” , she said. I have been a hospice nurse for over thirty years and I always

know this type of thing…..” I wondered whatshe was referring to? “He was waiting.

He was waiting for his son to come”. she said.. “There must be something unsaid

between them.

As soon as he comes back, please tell him, if there is anything that needs to be

said, he should do it now …..I doubt he makes it through the night.” What?! I Said.

“How could that be? He just seemed fine when we were in the room a little bit

ago…” I know she said, life and death are so very fragile….. just please relay this

message will you?”

As soon as my future husband came back, I shared everything with him that the

nurse had told me. He looked down at the floor. I studied this man I had only

known for a few short months. He was tall and brusque and his handsome

features spoke of having a strong handle on life. Just being around him gave you

the feeling that everything would be handled regardless. Yet, as I looked into his

eyes as I shared all this information with him, he appeared to be filled with

sadness instantly. His whole demeanor took on a heavy feeling as I heard him

turn to me and say, “come with me please, I really would like it if you were there”.

I nodded my head and together, we walked into the hospital room. It was now

close to two in the afternoon and the sun was streaming in on the bed. I looked

out the window and the October trees were filled with gold, magenta and

burnished brown leaves, falling slowly to the ground. It was so very surreal to be

part of such a private moment with his father. I walked around the bed and I saw

his father open his eyes, he smiled sadly and looked directly at his son. I watched

as my future husband sat down quietly in a chair next to his father. He picked up

his fathers hand and held it saftly. Then he spoke the following words, “It’s okay

Dad, it’s okay that you never told me you loved me. It’s okay because I still love

you”. At precisely that exact moment - his father nodded his head in agreement

and slowly closed his eyes. He then died in front of us. The nurse was watching

from the end of the bed.

All three of us had tears in our eyes. “He just needed that closure. He knew what

was missing from a family that was divided.”

It was all as it should be now.

No regrets. No hidden agenda. No ulterior motives.

JUST RAW HONEST TRUTH.

I guess I could have met a hundred people that could or would have ever given

me testimonials on the character of my husband, but I knew, at that moment I

had met a man with the most forgiving heart I could imagine. As much as his

father divided the family by withholding these three words, my husband banished

all doubt of division with his forgiving heart. As I close today with just this story, I

ask you is there any family member that needs to hear these words, “Its okay,

because I still love you regardless”. Can you bring yourself to feel the love HE has

for you unconditionally? You will never regret this. Our time is so short yet so

valuable each and every day we are alive. Take time today and find that

member of your family that is hurting ond has caused a hardened heart.

“Can you do this……can you say, “it’s okay, I still love you”?

NOW LISTEN TO SONG FOR TODAY - CLICK PLAY BUTTON IN VIDEO BELOW

“Living in Lies” Blog #28

I was watching a movie the other night that gave a very interesting definition of

Lying. An old Grandpa was talking to his grandson and told him there were three kinds

of lies. This really caught my attention. What are the three kinds of lies? 1. lying out of

fear 2. lying out of stupidity and 3. lying because of Love. He went on to say that the

worst thing for a person to deal with is the FEAR. People are afraid and they feel the fear

“all by themself”. Feeling this FEAR and being afraid all alone makes a person want to dig

a deeper hole and hide. I remember this kind of “fear” and I remember how it brought

on more drinking deeper anxiety and super stress. When I finally decided to get the

counseling I so desperately needed - the wisest old Guru of a teacher told me an

astonishing fact: “The worst thing is to be afraid all by yourself. When you choose to

SHARE your fear - you give HALF of it away!”

This is a remarkable awareness. When you choose to share your fear - no matter what

it is - YOU GIVE HALF OF IT AWAY. This is exactly how we are helped each and every day.

In my own life, I see such sadness all around me in the lives of people I know and love.

They are either dealing with extreme illness and cannot find a cure for their sickness.

Or they have made a life decision - left their wife or husband and the children are

suffering the pain and the regret and the sadness of never being in that “intact” family

again. More then this - the children that are products of divorce are dealing and

struggling and living with such FEAR. Who is going to tell them the truth about life as

they should know it? Who is going to help children find their way in an honest, healthy,

healing way? The lies that permeate our day to day existence are everywhere. It begins

to seem so overwhelming, we choose to ignore and go our separate way. I believe this

fact to be true. FEAR dictates our Daily barometer. Fear decides our course of living

each and every day if we but allow it. Fear is why we don’t share the truth with the

people we used to love. I really had to dissect why that old grandpa said there were

three types of lies. If a person tells a lie because of fear - fear of finding out the truth

behind the lie - it just goes on and on and on…. the truth stays hidden.

If a person tells a lie because of stupidity, it is easier to learn from this lie and move on.

However, if a person tells a lie out of love - this lie hurts the liar the most he said! What

in the world can that mean?

To tell a lie out of love and have it hurt the liar the most?

Well, some people get sick and know they are sick and refuse to tell the people around

them, who they love the most. They are also afraid - for fear of whatever? At that point,

the liar gets sicker and in finding out the truth of why they are sick, the sicker they

get, the more they hurt and then they die. All of this occurs out of fear. I do believe that somewhere

inside my daughter; Bridget - she knew she was sick. She had refused to go the doctor

for a very long time. She began self-medicating and the pills and the liquor

camaflauged the pain.

Life becomes distorted for so many people. The lie takes on a dark persona of even

deeper darkness. At some point, because of our own choices there is the sheer fact

when we were born HE gave us the gift of choice. We always get to choose our own

path. Until and unless and if we do not want HIS help, HE does not interfere. We are

given the gift of FREEWILL. The Lord lets us live the life that we have chosen to live.

There is an old saying that goes like this, “Oh the powerful webs of deceit we weave

when we practice to deceive.” To live in the world and BE in the world and not get

caught up in the world is the most powerful test.

Every one of us was once a child. Most of us believed as we were growing up, we

would have a beautiful family of our own some day, a perfect home and a good job.

Then we chose to buy into the big lie and throw it all away for personal, sensual

satisfaction. We could not interally understand why we would want to do this.

Yet, there are many mothers and fathers of young children that have just let them go.

Left them to their own lot of figuring life out without a strong father role, or a strong

mother role. I ask you now what kind of life do you think they are going to choose?

There is a reason why the earth is round. What goes around, comes around and our life

does catch up with us - I can guarantee you this.

So, what are you afraid of today? What kind of lies have you accepted in your own

life that keep you stuck? Remember the three kinds of lies? There are the lies we give

ourselves out of fear. Fear of the unknown is such a fearful place to be. I found that just

by embracing HIM took care of that in a breath. The lies because of stupidity, can be

learned. We all know who we are. What do we want to change today that can make life

a little bit easier for us? How are we continuing to live the lie of deceit?

Then there are the iies we tell, out of love. We love our families, like I know that Bridget

did, yet she lived a lie out of fear and being afraid to go to the doctor. These lies bring

moe lies. They bring more delusion and more pain each day. I had an old maid aunt

that had her own life dream crushed. I saw it as a little girl. She was a very successful

business woman in the cities, President of the Women’s Business Association. She

married the love of her life. He was handsome, charming and successful. They had a

beautiful home by the lake ……for a while. Then he got a young girl pregnant and left my

aunt to marry this girl. My aunt was totally devastated. She spiraled downhill. She

became a raging alcoholic. Her own family turned on her and told all the restaurants

and bars in town, not to “serve her any drinks”. She quit caring. Her beautiful custom

made clothes and perfumed blouses were replaced with old housecoats she lived and

slept in. One day a dark growth started on her neck and it grew and grew. All the while

she was sick, I remember being at my grandpas house where she now lived. She would

sit at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. A camel cigarette was burning in the

ashtray as she circled the ads for jobs. She looked up at me one day and said: “Who’s

kidding who?” My beautiful aunt had become a delapitated, frail, diseased ridden

being. She died later that year alone with her fearful lies. Can you take a moment

today and find a way to do something different, invite HIM in to share your fear? Don’t

be afraid because when your share your fear, HE takes half of it away from you.

As I close today, I ask you this: “What is the lie you are now living in?”

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“Dangers Dance” Blog #27

When I was a little girl, I used to bite my lip, avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk

and hold my breath to a certain number …. all to make things ok in my own mind.

We all have different mannerisms and traits and secret little habits to make the

moment work each day in our lives. The funny part aboutf all of this is as we age,

we find different “fixes” for this dangerous dance in our mind. If we have faith that

grooms a healthy child then this brings about the belief that implants childish trust and

sets in “blind faith”. I know for a fact, the majority of all of us, as we look back over our

lives, could not picture ourselves exactly where we have come to be, at this moment.

Once again, it is the stress of each day that dictates our decisions for whether we go

forward or stay stuck. Very often we make our decisions based on fear. Then because

of this, we feel we cannot move forward. “Look what I have done?” we think. “Look how I

acted?”

“See the sadness that I created?” and so we stay stuck. The days turn into months and

the months become one year after the next. We just leave that memory alone. Did you

ever stop to think this thought, “The past is gone, I have new choices now!” At the end of

every day we only have the moment ahead to dictate how we will decide to go forward.

Another old saying, “Keep on doing the same things and the same things will keep

happening”. Can that decision possibly bring about healthy growth? Some people

believe they had so much misfortune, why not throw in the towel? Why not just give up,

Why not let it all go down the drain, and just die?’ Unfortunately the odds that your soul

life will be simpler and easier and better once you are gone, are not good. Not good

because you can’t possibly know the outcome! What IF everything you believe to be

TRUE on the other side of living is FALSE? No single person has concrete proof that life is

better or worse or non-existent once you are gone. Yet, so many people believe that to

end one’s life, is perhaps the best medicine, given all they have been dealt. The is truly

“dangers dance”. A person begins to skirt their way around all that life has given them

to deal with. “Poor me,” they think, look what I have been through.”

We are responsible for our own path and our own mission and our own decisions. Every

person that is in our life is in our life for a reason and they are here to see what we are

choosing to do with each and every day involving them. What do we do with each day

we are given? IF you are sad and depressed and let lethargic thoughts surround you

because of all the sadness that has come into your life - THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE YOU

CHOOSE TO BE.

Yet, know this - YOU ARE NOT GROWING AT A SOUL LEVEL , LIFE IS about overcoming all the

odds in the life lessons you are given”. Some years back after my tragedy with my

mother, my neighbor had become a good friend and stopped over to offer me a ticket

to an inspirational speaker. She wasn’t able to go and offered me her ticket. When I got

there, I found hundreds of cars, barely a space to park and a convention center filled

with people, I did not even know what man had commanded such a following.

However, now it peaked my interest and I tried to find a place to sit.

Midway down a filled row of people, there was one seat next to a particularly chatty

man laughing and talking to the woman on his right. I sat down and hoped no one

would speak to me. I had pushed myself to go to this, now I would stay and leave

quickly. I had so much real estate work to do. Yet, as the convention continued and

Deepak Chopra was speaking, I was still lost in my own misery. It was very difficult to

concentrate. I decided at the intermission…… I was out of there.

As I tried to navigate through the people to get to the front door and go to my car, it

was becoming harder and harder. There were people everywhere in line for coffee and

snacks or just talking. Suddenly, a hand touched my shoulder and I turned around. It

was the man who had been sitting next to me in the auditorium. He had the bluest eyes

and the kindest smile. What he said next to me, had a greater impact on me than all

the self-help books or counseling sessions I had ever been to. “I hope you are enjoying

yourself as much as I am. “ he said I immediately thought - “He has no idea of what I

have gone through”.

He continued to speak in a quiet, assured tone. “You know, I lost my wife and four

daughters in a house fire, yet I have come to realize I am so thankful for the lessons that

I have learned from their deaths”. He smiled at me confidently and disappeared into the

crowd! I never even got his name, he knew nothing about me and I would never see

him again! How did this happen so quickly and what in the world did he mean by this

comment? “He was so thankful…..?” thankful for WHAT? I became so emotional that I

got to my car and I was crying hard. More than anything else I had misjudged this total

stranger. Yet, he left me with such confusion. What in the world could he have meant?

In the following months and years I started studying hermeneutics and the study of the

Bible. I began reading many books about “Soul work” and also “Spiritual Truths” I came

to the understanding that I was not even on the tip of the icberg, but I was definitely on

a good path of evolving in a positive way.

I started questioning my own purpose for living. I STOPPED DRINKING/SMOKING.

I stopped doing everything my own way and doing “dangers dance daily”. I started

trying new, healthy ways of living and eating and thinking. This is what I came up with.

Each of us CANNOT stop another person from their own personal choices. I know I have

gone back over my own gudance for my daughter who tragically died last year and I

cannot lie, I did question WHY?

Why wasn't she able to be saved? Why couldn’t the universe come forth and give her a

miracle if I truly do believe in miracles? There cannot be a life saved when that life is on

a path of deliberate destruction. Heavens doors will open when we ask for HELP for

ourselves. Each and every one of us are given “Free Will” and we each have that choice

daily. We cannot save another human being from THEMSELF. However, we can save

ourself by choosing to STOP “Dangers Dance”. Ask HIM for help today.

IF we are taking drugs, smoking, vaping and taking pills to curb anxiety, to stop

thinking or buy one more day - we are just existing. Maybe your addictions are not

drugs or alcohol. Maybe they are anger, resentment, and fear for how people have hurt

you horrifically. Do you continue to carry a grudge? Can you find it in your heart to

learn the lesson why they were or are there? Can you forgive them unconditionally?

For each of us are on our own soul path. Each of you know who you are. Staying stuck

breeds more anger, resentment and contempt. This stops a soul from evolving in a

positive, productive healthy manner. So, can you take a deep breath, just breathe in

another deep breath, and breathe out all negative feelings for someone who has kept

you stuck in their own darkness. Maybe this has kept you from letting go. So just

breathe deep, and watch what happens.

I end this blog and ask you in all earnest; “Can you stop this dangerous dance today?”

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“Cruel Countdown” Blog #26

In one single day our life can beCOME the best memory ever, or the darkest day

imaginable. We can try, we can try with all our might to be prepared for the

unexpected. Yet, you can bet, it is impossible to do this. The events I am about to share

with you actually happened one and a half years before my wonderful daughter,

Bridget was born.

This is about my mom.

I still remember, all those years ago, how much Bridget would have loved her. We only

had our cherished little boy and he was our pride and joy at just one years old. It was a

hot summer day on July 11th and I was so busy with real estate appointments, I did not

know which appointment to go to first. Our son was busy throwing his food on the floor

from his little hand, sitting in his highchair. I was dressed in my new creme pantsuit.

Why in the world I poured a tippy cup of grape juice for him and forgot to screw on the

cap tightly, I will never know. The lid flew off and grape juice was all over floor, I

watched as he laughed and laughed. I got angrier and angrier!

I grabbed the cup and went to wipe off the top of the high chair tray, as it got knocked

over on the floor. The rest of his juice right down the front of my pants! I yelped and

screamed thinking “this was definitely the worst day yet”, little did I know.

This was the beginning of a “cruel countdown” that lay ahead for me. How misplaced

our priorities in life can be until the Universe decides to step in. The next moment was

definitely serendipitous. Definitely, as I look back, my angels got my attention.

Thankfully, I listened to my heart and not my head. For I believe all the events that

happened next, were meant to be.

I went outside on my back step, shaking off food, crumbs and trying to clean off

my pantsuit, only to make it way worse! I was obsessed with my “ruined morning”!

I just sat down on the stoop of my back patio and stared up at that blue sky. “Why me?”

I thought, “Why did this have to happen!?” All of a sudden, as if in a magical moment of

mystery, a complete alternative thought came into my head. “Why am I doing this?”, I

thought. Why am I racing to work on this unreal beautiful day? I have never taken my

little boy to the beach. Then an additional immediate thought. Call my Mom…. I need to

call my mom to come with. too. When did I ever go to the beach with her before?

Today held the bluest sky, so peaceful Not a day like this that I could remember,

it was a perfectly gorgeous summer morning. My husband will think I am absolutely

crazy!! We had so many apointments. Yet, when he walked into the kitchen and saw the

“grape juice fiasco”. He took one look at me and said, “No problem honey, I can handle

our appointments today. You go on to the lake with our little guy and your mom.”

And so we did. Not knowing still, the cruel countdown was clicking off time.

The memory is crystal clear still in my mind as we drove off to the beach. My mom had

brought over a big black umbrella, a thermos of lemonade and her big old soft quilt.

We were set. We no sooner settled down on the grass by the beach and she was off to

get her favorite little grandson a chocolate ice cream cone. I still see them walking

back on the beach, my mom could not lick the ice cream fast enough to keep from

melting and both of them had chocolate all over their faces. I felt totally relaxed. So

happy to have made this decision. We sat talking for the longest time while my little boy

took his nap under my moms great big umbrella. Hours seem to fly by, still I was

oblivious to the cruel unexpected countdown.

Suddenly off in the distance, just as I told my Mom it was time to get going and

“someone” would be awfully hungry now that he was awake from his nap. I looked up

and saw my husband approaching with a big picnic basket of goodies. A wonderful

surprise dinner picnic. He said he had finished our appointments and “something had

come over him to get us food and come find us at the beach.” Then he even

announced he had brought the last bottle of White Wine we had in the

refrigerator and saved for company this upcoming weekend. I had no time to protest.

He had the wine already poured and my mom was making a toast to the three of us for

such a nice surprise. We sat there eating our chicken and potato salad with french

bread. I watched as my mom bit into a red grape, chewing it in half and giving it to her

grandson.

Tick….. Tick….. The countdown was fast approaching now. The cruelty of it all was I had

no idea of the unexpected. I had no idea what was about to unfold. As we left our

wonderful picnic that evening, my mom smiled and gave me a hug. Getting in her car,

she looked over at me smiling, “honey, this is one of the best times I can ever remember

with you, let’s do it more often.” As she drove awaiy, she made sure to roll down her

window, and I heard “Love you…..see you tomorrow!” I nodded, throwing her a kiss.

The following morning at 9:20 a.m. my mother was murdered by a drug addict.

Whatever cash she had was gone from purse. When this happened, I was no where

near her home. I was out looking at houses on a real estate tour with my company

associates. I vividly remember coming back to my office that held about 25 - 30

people. As I walked into the office - everything became eerily quiet. The cruel

countdown had now caught up with me. I can only say with a broken heart, It took

years just to accept the pain before I could move on. For a long time I had dropped into

darkness, hiding behind my dangerous drinking. Regardless of all the facts that

unfolded, I had no way to prepare for this horror. I only had my own memories with my

mom. I also realized almost immediately though, that I had no regrets. For I had been

given the ultimate gift, the gift of using my time in the best way. This beautiful

consolation blanketed me with no regret. I had that last day with her and I listened to

my heart. Were my Guardian Angels preparing me for the cruel countdown? Yes, I

believe this to be true. Every single one of us have a higher self that we can tap into, if

we believe. Those days of darkness with my mothers tragedy are far behind me now.

I have been able after so much trial and error, to finally come back to HIM. I understand

and I accept and I believe there is a magnificent plan for each of us. Yet, it is up to EACH

of us to try to accept what has been given to us. When we try to learn from the situation

that has happened to us, then we go forward with HIS help and guidance. I can’t tell

you how much better it is to do it that way. It’s a complete release. Not knowing what

the waters are like, would you go out in a boat without a life raft?

I ask you today in all earnest, are you prepared for the unexpected?

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“Letting Go” Blog #25

Isn’t it funny, what we decide to hang on to?

Sometimes we hang on to family stuff from years and years past. We hang on to

hurts that our own parents have done to us, that we refuse to let go of, we just don’t

want to let go, no matter what.

In our life all we have is memories, we can only hold on to our memories. The daily

dilemma and the daily grind and the daily hurt, of just going back and forth with people.

The people that are around us are everything to our daily peace of mind. Some of the

people that we insist on holding on to, we have to let go of. I understand and believe

and know that in my own life, I was stuck for a very long time holding on to memories

that were not healthy. Now a lot of people may wonder why that matters? Because

forgiveness is major important to forgive the past that has hurt us. Especially if we have

parents that were hurtful in many ways. So often we think, “Oh, I can just move on and

not really think about it, but we do.” ALL of our relationships that we have brought into

our lives, are there for the purpose of learning lessons from. It sometimes takes a

lifetime to learn one lesson. Then we go on through our life and we choose friendships

Some of them, for the sole purpose of “fixing”. We have friends like that. We all know

people like that. We see people a certain way and we want to fix them. Lots of times this

is so we do not have to look at ourselves. So often we want to do for someone else,

what we refuse to do for ourself. In my own life, because my own childhood was so

filled with drama and drinking and dysfunction - I became addicted to dysfunction.

I didn’t realize it - but I really was addicted to daily drama. My parents fought, and

drank and fought and drank every day they were together. They did’t really know

anything else. Us children were robbed of fun-loving parents who did family things

together and encouraged their children in a healthy way. Drinking was everywhere and

everything to them and every day of their lives. So, when I grew up and decided to look

for a mariage partner.

Healthy, happy normal people were actually boring to me.

My father died at the ripe old age of 52 and never knew any other kind of life. I hated

what he did to our family and I swore I would never forgive him. However, that was my

lesson. What in the world do I mean by this statement? Maybe we have hurt someone

very badly. Maybe no matter how we look at it, or dissect it or try to fix it, the damage is

done. We cannot go back and make it all better again. Yet, just by acknowledging we

understand this to be true.

This is the beginning of healing a wounded heart. Words and actions are powerful

weapons. I remember a time in my life, many years ago when I couldn’t imagine

anyone telling me what to do. I was very stubborn. I could not fathom having humility

I was my own boss and my own dictator and HE was not really in my life. I had been

hurt all my childhood and into adulthood and no one was going to tell me anything.

I remember how important the wrong things were. I remember putting the important

pieces of my life on a back burner and then living life dangerously. I look back at life

now. Somehow I decided with HIS help, I am willing to take complete ownership of all

that I did. Knowing these things, I move forward accepting I cannot change anyone’s

heart. I can only change my own heart and my own behavior. We can pray someone

changes. However, it is not the best idea to have a pollyanna approach to life.

What do I mean by this? Some people stay stuck for a whole lifetime and its okay.

There will be some people that refuse to ever accept an apology. Regardless of what

you do. They will never change their mind and they will take their memories to their

grave. There will be some people that carry a grudge with them now and forevermore.

There will be some people that never accept a request for honest renewed friendship.

These people are out there and they are keeping YOU and I stuck if we allow this.

I came to the understanding that life its about all these moments and what we

decide to make of them. We cannot control what other people do, or other people.

The hardest part of letting go is the hurt. We remember the hurt and what we feel

they have done to us to bring about such pain. A memory can surface and we

refuse to let go of it because we see it only one way - our own way. It’s time though, If

you are reading this now, it is time to let it go. Letting go lifts the veil of discontent and

sadness. It frees all the parties to each memory.

I know that years and years ago, my daughter: Bridgets father and I were divorced.

This hurt the family terribly. Bridget and her brother were very small children. Children

should never have to choose which parent they want to be with. After divorce, children

lose the chance to sit down at the family dinner table together. Divorce brings on so

many other dysfunctional daily dilemmas. Daily pain surfaces. Then out of anger and

sadness and mistrust, mad memories are made. Children grow up and seeds of anger

and mistrust and sadness stay hidden within.

This is exactly what happened to me and my family. There were many years of

darkness and dysfunction and bitter feelings between people involved.

However for me, this is where HE came into focus and I had a chance to acknowledge

this. I completely understand the role that I played and that brought on awareness.

I began to accept that HE died for us and he was forsaken by his own closest friends,

yet he kept on his path and knew what he was suppose to do. Its important to believe

we will only be able to move on and let go of all our past mistakes, sadness. and regret,

when we decide to just “Let go” of all of it. The blame, the worry the reasons……

Every moment of every day we are encircled by our thoughts and our memories

and our daily ideas. This is exactly who we are. This is what makes us weak or strong.

IF we want to have complete clarity and peace of mind and happiness, we have to let

go of these things that keep us stuck in our sadness, anger and regret. Letting go allows

us to peacefully go forward without that burden of regret.

REGRET AND NOT LETTING GO ARE TWIN THIEVES, THEY ROB US OF OUR PEACE OF MIND.

Now that I have shared this with you, I remind you that these are each of our own

separate lessons to learn from.

Today is a brand now day, everything you have done that brings you sadness in

the past, can be gone in a moment.

“Let go.” You can give it up and give it to HIM right now. This is exactly what I try to do

and I want to share this with you today. IF there is a person or persons, in your life, like

there certainly has been In my life, that have hurt you with their words or their actions,

and they refuse to apologize to you. Say a prayer right now for forgiveness.

FORGIVE THEM. Whether it be your mother or father or sister or brother or wife or

husband or any friend, it does not matter. Forgive them now!

Let this go. Turn it all over and release those bad feelings. They can be no more.

Perhaps after letters written. words said, you hear nothing, still, …. Let it go.

Give it to HIM and feel the pressure release. Actually feel the heavy burden stuck within,

lift from every part of your being. Every person is on a different path and we cannot

judge them for this.

Today as I leave you I ask,

“Are you ready to “Let Go” of past burdens weighing you down?”

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“Stinging Setbacks” Blog #24

Just when You have it all worked out, the bottom drops out - You are asked to TRUST.

Yet, if a person has no faith, what are they supposed to trust in?

If a person suddenly has a tremendous setback in any part of their life that takes major

mind setting trust - what exactly can someone trust in when the

“complete unplanned for” happens?

There is no possible way of getting everything you want, every single day and not

having any setback. This is life and each and everyone of us are party to it. We came

into life alone and we will go out of life alone. In the in-between, the day to day journey

that takes us either down or up depending on the event. One single phone call and the

whole world can change for you in an instance. How do I know this? I have been alive

for over seven decades and I know this to be a fact. I have tried desperately to do it

alone - I failed. There is not one single person alive that can safely say without a doubt

in their mind, they are prepared completely for the unexpected.

No one is prepared for the unexpected.

Yet, we all go along our way, each and every day, for the most part - not thinking about

the unexpected that can bring into our fold, horrific setbacks. Does a person ever stop

to think that our “Life Lessons” are IN the setbacks? Do we even ask ourselves “why ARE

we here? As we acquire more things and more people in our life we take on more daily

problems and little by little the right attitude toward life, the spiritual piece, the part that

really matters - gets shoved way in the back,

until………….

Now you might say to yourself right now, “Oh, I have my moments, I know the right thing

to do and I maybe, just maybe, I might believe there is something else to my life, a

deeper piece, if only I was given a little glimpse, a little miracle, or a little unseen help

when I really need it, other wise what’s the use?” How many of us have that thought?

Probably all of us, at one time or another. Yet, as I sit here and write this I believe with

my whole heart, it is the life lessons each and every day, especially the setbacks, the

sadness, and the death we deal with that teaches us great lessons we must learn.

I would do anything in my power to bring my daughter back alive again. At the end of

her short life, she had so many setbacks, so many stinging setbacks. She chose and she

believed if she medicated herself enough, it would all go away. So she took another pill,

drank another drink, and did it work? It did, and so she is gone. Did she die because

of purposely choosing this? Or was there one drink too many and one pill pushing

her over the edge? We will never know. Look at what set-backs occurred when she

left this earth. Her children, her family and so many others all around her energy, were

devastated by her loss. The horrific setback that happened will be a life lesson for her

children as long as they are alive. They did not choose this lesson to have to learn from,

it was given to them.

My daughter Bridget was brilliant. She was beautiful. She was funny. Bridget could not

handle setbacks and she had not incorporated FAITH into her life. She would never have

abused her body and her mind IF she believed “her body was the temple of God”. She

never would have given into the stinging setbacks that kept happening, if she was able

to use the tools of her faith and incorporate this into her life. Because of her choices in

life, the rest of her family as well as me, her mother, experienced stinging setbacks for

the rest of our lives.

However, I do believe in HIS light that has shown me beyond a doubt that we are not

from here, we are only here on earth to learn our lessons and to help other people. It’s

up to us each and every day to find a way. Study, learn and pray and find a way to

have courage.

STAY STRONG IN THE MIDST OF DARKNESS

The hardest part is to Trust in this statement. I know this. I have been there. I have been

to the darkest place and back. Trust me, there is no other way. Cold turkey, straight on,

no leaning on drugs, alcohol or pills. Just using the mind HE gave me and believing

“this too will pass”.

So as I close today, on a shorter note but still so important. I want to share these words.

I did it. You can do it too. You can trust in HIM to take it from here. Say a quiet prayer to

yourself now and know and believe and trust if it is for your highest good and the

highest intent of your deserving it, then it will be known to you. There is a brilliant saying

and it goes like this….

“Be in the world, but not of the world.”

Finances are huge. Financial setbacks can be crippling. A car breaking down,

thousands of dollars owed can bring on true anger and fear and rejection of HIM.

This means don’t get caught up in the every day trials and tribulations - move on.

Even if I have a life altering event, my daughter dies and no longer here. This is a life-

altering event truly, but I cannot remain angry at HIM. I have to renew my faith and

make it stronger. This is the key. This is being in the world but not being caught up in it.

We have to live in the world, we have no choice, but we can choose to have HIM with us

every move. This is critical advice that we should all try to encompass in all of our lives

24/7. Finally before I close, remember this,

You are never alone. We are never alone. HE is with you every step of the way.

Now I ask you sincerely, “Do you have the tools ready for all of YOUR setbacks?”

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“What’s Next?” Blog #23

So many times in my life I have been stuck and wondered how can I possibly go on?

I find that in the past I made choices for myself, that got me in deeper trouble, because

I jumped from one thing to the next without taking time to sort through my thoughts.

This was when I insisted on being my own boss and NOT looking to HIM for help.

This day and every other day as well, are only filled with 24 golden hours period.

We then get to do whatever we feel we need to do to exist within that time frame.

So many of us decide to lie to ourselves day in and day out. Deceit is our closest

companion and telling lies gets easier as the days go by.

What I mean by thls bold statement is we do not allow ourselves total and complete

transparency. Seeing life through the eyes of drinking, or popping pills or taking

dangerous drugs. The days go on and on from one delusion to the next. There was a

time when every one of us was young and filled with life and above all, vitality. The

ability to get excited about tomorrow. The chances we took with a clear head and a

determined spirit. We were spurned on by the desire to accomplish something

“special”.

At least some of us did think that way when we were young.

Every person is the same in the sense that we wake up and go to sleep alone in our

thoughts. We are alone in our own desires and we are alone in our own misfortunes.

Regardless of the material possessions one person or the next accomplishes, it can all

be gone in a flash…

Then life is over, all over, no more.

I do believe as we get older, is it harder to see and harder to say with excitement; “What

can I accomplish that is special next”? Somewhere internally there is a place where

each and every one of us knows there has to be something else out there beyond what

we work for and accomplish materialistically every day. Regardless of who we are or

where we come from, every person wants to feel loved and needed and cared for.

I believe that the most important reason I drank was because I did not want to feel. I did

not want to feel anything. Feeling pain, sadness and heartache is something that a

person needs to feel feelings in order to move on and not just survive but to thrive!

These feelings are in every person. Covering up how a person feels about any situation

that has happened is asking for trouble. So often as I look back on my own life and

remember my father who was drunk so often, I can’t remember him being sober -

embarrassing. I was embarrassed more times than I choose to remember. Yet, I had

no idea how this would affect my life as I grew older. “Whats next?” was a situation in

my own house that daily scared me to death. I never knew what to expect let alone

how it would turn out? I could never think of bringing friends to my house when I went to

school - it was way too embarrassing. “What’s next?” was all I was worried about. So I

kept friends away. Days, months and years went by and shaped my life. I made sad

choices, and I insulated myself. The friends I would choose to caretake and the times I

would choose to drink too much as I grew older became dysfunctional and somehow

developed my own lifestyle. More and more my life took on twists and turns in the

strangest ways as a result of how I had been parented growing up. I was desperate

and pushed HIM away. I know now that Life can be better with HIS help. If we believe

that we are created in HIS image and our “Bodies are the temple of God” this is the first

start. We are choosing not to abuse our bodies through drinks, pills and drugs. If we

can believe that every single situation that happens to us happens for a reason, to

teach us something in our own family. Then we are really on the right path, then we are

open to growth In a positive vein. It doesn’t matter when we decide to do this. The

reason being, as I have said before, is because “when the student is ready, the teacher

really does appear”. Truth appears in breath. If we but look all around us, there is life

and death every single day. We came from HIM we will leave and go to HIM.

I remember when I was so successful in real estate and had sold so many houses that

my husband and I had run out of “toys to buy for ourselves”. We had a big beautiful

home, two new cars, two beautiful children and as good a life as anyone our young age

could aspire to. We thought we had it all. Every day we lived the “good life” and drank

and partied and thought we were having fun. However, then the unexpected

happened. Tragedy struck. We were not prepared for the unexpected.

WE HAD NO FAITH..

We had nothing to fall back on and hold us together. We were like two ships sailing in

the roughest seas without a way to stay afloat. We went our separate ways. I must

admit, I almost drowned. It didn’t matter how much I drank. I was lost in a Black Sea.

I had never been so afraid In my life as I cried out; “what’s next?”. It was only when I put

my hands together, finally crying out for HIS help, that the storm lifted. The darkness

gave way to HIS light and I felt rescued. Never again, as long as I live, will I put my faith

in this world only, knowing I belong to HIM and HIS world will be waiting for me, when I

leave this earth. There is something very calming and reassuring and comforting when

you know its not up to you to figure out all the things that are out of your control. This is

why I write today. I am trying to share an important awareness that literally saved my

life. This is probably the main reason I will never consider taking my own life. Life is too

precious. We are on earth to learn the lessons we have been given and to help those

that need our help. How can we discern what’s next? We can find this out right now by

putting our hands together and asking for HIS help. Watch and see what happens to

you! Watch the miracles unfold. Believe you can and you can. As I leave you today,

please try to believe you are here for a reason and internally you already know the

answer to this.

My question today is, “Are you prepared for what’s next?”

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“Toughest Teachers” Blog #22

When we wake up each day, we know we have a brand new start. We are filled with the

ability to “feel life” as we should. Feeling all of our feelings is important, necessary and

above all, a learning experience. This is because all the feelings we need to feel, give us

the opportunity to learn the lessons we need to learn on a daily basis. Perhaps this is

confusing, I will explain because. It is not easy. There is a very definite reason why we

are here. We are here on earth to learn.

I have said this before and I repeat, “We are alive to learn lessons each day”. I believe

that we learn our lessons from the “feelings that we feel”. If we dull our senses, we

cannot feel the feelings that are within us.

What feelings am I talking about?

The most important teachers in our lives come forth through our feelings. The feeling of

fear, fearful of the unknown. Fearful of the words we have said in anger. The feelings of

anger toward another person, or a situation that has happened to us. There is the great

teacher of Regret, regret for the things we wished we would have said, regret for the

people that we treated wrong and wished we would have treated right. Regret for the

words we wished we would have said correctly. Another great teach is “Blame“. This is a

great teacher. How often have we blamed another person or another reason for why

something happened, when we could have taken the time to look into our own heart

and find the truth? Suddenly, that is when another teacher creeps forward and shows

his ugly head, Pride. Pride is a very important, valuable teacher in that pride hides us

from ourselves. Pride tells us that we are never to blame. There is the simple fact that

Pride hides us from our true self. Pride gives the convenient cover of darkness with

denial and depression. These great teachers are here for us every single day. We

usually have a choice to “use and abuse” any and all teachers. Alas, along comes the

most humbling of teachers, Death. When someone near and dear to us dies, there is a

finality to this understanding that is permanent. We cannot go back. We cannot

change a thing. We cannot tell someone that is gone something important. They are

gone, and its over.

Death becomes the great equalizer and brings with it the final curtain. So often people

cannot find the answer to why they are stuck until there is a death around them and

they then may be forced to see life differently. Our feelings are so very important in the

fact that when we dull our senses, we choose not to feel, period. We choose numbness,

not feeling, over critical awareness and feeling life as we should, with all our senses

intact. I remember after major blows in my own life when my mother died, when

I was faced with horrific challenges, that seemed at the time unbearable. The first

teacher that surfaced its ugly head was Fear. There was so much fear around me.

I decided I could not cope. I decided I couldn’t take it. I decided that me and me alone,

knew what was best for myself. I was able to dull my feelings daily, or so I thought, I just

chose to rationalize with drinking. A funny thing happens to a person though, when they

are hiding out. You cannot do this for very long. Eventually the universe DOES step in

and it says “enough is enough”. A person either dies or it is Time for some really

powerful lessons if not, because this is where one is not willing to see the light.

I must admit, the Fear was suddenly my most humbling teacher. This was also

coupled with severe anger, hatred, and blame. Eventually when I still would not

listen, my own health issues were brought in to view. My body was riddled with anxiety

and depression and I began to experience severe migraine headaches. At some point

HE says, “please hear me, I am trying very hard to get your attention, Barbara”.

This is where I began to see that my way of figuring life out, was not the right

way. I began to understand slowly, but accurately a more important point. Life is all

about learning Lessons. It just is. If we hide behind alcohol or drugs or pills to stay

clear of our feelings, there will come a very big lesson that the universe knows we need

to learn. I suspect I was a great candidate because of my intense ability to try to stay

ahead of myself, deceive myself and abuse myself in so many ways. One day I was

over at my friends house with my children and they were very little. I had gone over

there to celebrate her birthday and spend a little time. I wasn’t going to stay very long,

just a little celebration and maybe a couple of drinks. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I

was super busy in Real Estate but this was my best friend, so I made the time and took

the children with me. I remember we were having drinks and laughing and my children

were running around the house having fun with my best friends children.

One drink led to onother and suddenly I was wide awake the next morning, down in their

lower level, covered up on the couch. I looked around and saw my two children playing

a game on the floor quietly. They looked over at me with a look I will never forget, there

was such sadness in both their eyes. They saw a mom that they couldn’t figure out.

They saw a mom that had gotten so drunk, she had litterally passed out at her friends

house and forgotten all about everything else. I never realized that I had drank so much

alcohol, I had completely blacked out. Over the years, with consistent habit, now I had

developed a very dangerous tolerance of not knowlng which drink would send me over

the edge, “total, complete black out” and no remembering what has happened to me.

This was where I was at in my own life that day.

I thought I had found an answer for all my “Feelings that I didn’t want to feel”. I thought

and believed and was convinced, I had control over my own life. How very wrong I was.

My children were quiet all the way driving home that day. Then a great teacher

appeared. It was my son, he asked me a question that was so humbling, I could not

answer him. He said, “Mommy, I kept shaking you on those basement stairs, why

wouldn’t you hear me and wake up?” My friend and her husband had decided to put

me to bed on their lower level couch, when I passed out on their basement staircase.

This was so very embarrassing to find that my little boy and my little girl had to see me

in this state. There is no such thing as believing I had control over my feelings, and

actions, and words when I was so enibriated. I was passed out drunk on the stairs.

My denial and my pride and my fear were running away with my life. These

are feelings of fear that were all masked every time I took a drink and believed

that I was in control of my feelings. I was not in control. I was never in control. The

teacher “Denial” was in control. I refused to feel my own raw, intense, sad feelings.

I chose drinking on a daily basis to believe that I was in control. I had given up control

to the dark forces and feelings of depression and death of my real internal, Higher True

Self. At the moment my son asked me that question, “Why couldn’t you hear me and

wake up mommy?” My son became my greatest teacher at that moment. It doesn’t

have to be so extreme for you and I. There is a great saying and it goes like this,

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears”.

When we are ready for HIS help, the heavens open up, angels come forth, the lights are

bright and blazing. It is time to embrace the truth and move on. This is such a freeing

feeling. I understand now that we have to feel our feelings. We have to wake up each

and every day and feel what it is we are suppose to be experiencing at that moment.

There is no other way around this. I want to help you and others by saying this, “Nothing

is as bad as you think it”. We are given each new day to start over and I see how far I

have come with this understanding. when I was deep in darkness. Although It was all

around me, I did find a way out. I put my hands together and said; “Please help me, I

cannot do this by myself”. At once I felt at peace. Immediately I had help. Every day I

feel supported by HIM now. The Dear Lord is right here for you too.

Did you know that every single person on earth has a Guardian Angel? Did you know

that if you sit quietly, or close your eyes before you go to sleep tonight in complete

stillness, you can ask this question, “Who is my Guardian Angel”? The name will come.

your angels name will come to you.

As I close this segment of my Blog today, I simply but firmly ask you this,

“Can you feel the feelings you are meant to feel, free and clear of pills, drugs or alcohol?

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“Making Life Work” Blog #21

Every second of every day a different feeling, thought and idea comes into mind.

We continue to cloud our minds with music, tv, the internet and of course all the

people that are around our daily spectrum.

Sometimes we see that life is so hard we want to bandage it.

We find people with even more problems and addictions and substitutes for feeling all

that we are given to “FEEL” on a daily basis. I started to ask myself a long time ago, what

am I so afraid of? Why did I have to medicate myself with alcohol more and more?

Ironically, why were my problems increasing instead of being held at bay? My using

anything to try to “fix my own internal pain” was not working, not working at all. When I

am super down and depressed, taking a pill to relax or a drink to unwind, does not work

for me. There will never be just one pill. There will never be just one drink. I see that and

I understand that I have to “feel these feelings”. I have to deal with the whole of me

every single day. I know that radio and the air waves are saturated with commercials

going over and over, pushing meds. “Take your meds, everybody’s on them.” This does

not work for me. I know that if I have HIM in my life and every day I can focus and

meditate and pray, my life works. I come into balance. I am at ease with where I am.

So I say to myself, “I AM PEACEFUL”. I can feel my life working for me today.

We all have constant reminders of the past and things we did not do the way we

we had intended. Life is filled with complications and different “side tracks” that can

easily distract us, confuse us and put us down a dark and difficult and different path.

Purposefully, this is why I am trying to focus on “making my life work well”. I am

constantly giving myself “affirmations throughout my entire day”. Also, I keep

reminding myself lately that all I HAVE IS TODAY. I have gone back and looked at

many of the painful past situations that happened to me. Now of late, when I have

chosen to experience my life with clarity and sobriety and truth, the pain is less

intense. I can feel these feelings. I know I must feel these feelings. It’s only when

people decide that it is “too painful to endure”. I must take something, I must find

a substitute for my pain, I must “not feel” ….. Is this WHY so many people say I need

pills/alcohol any and all kinds of stimulants, so there is no “feeling’?

I have figured out that the “feeling part of life” is yes, painful but able to be

endured “cold turkey”. We can look at where our decisions have taken us with

clear vision and choose not to go down a dark, dangerous, dismal path of isolation.

There is a different way that is less painful. When I was drunk or when I was high, I

thought I’m escaping my problems. But I was not.

Standing alone by myself, I see that there are absolutely “NO SHORT CUTS”. Life is given

to us for two reasons. We are here to learn our lessons and we are here to help other

people. The more we learn the sooner we can go on to the next healing lesson in life.

Fortunately, life does not have to be filled with such pain. Remember when I told you

last time how you can look at your life the way you view channels on a television set?

You and you alone can change the channel constantly. Maybe family members are

getting the best of you, and you can’t take it. Maybe inside your own world, today it

seems overwhelming, no way out. Maybe someone close to you appears to be verbally,

mentally hurting you.

There is an immediate way out of this. Change the channel.

STOP focusing on what you know you cannot internally fix!

Stop seeing life in such a dark way.

I could spend the rest of my life, the whole rest of my life, just focusing on

all the bad, all the sad and all the enormous heartache that has befallen me.

However, what in the world would be my outcome?

I chooses to go forward and find my path. I choose to grow from all my past setbacks.

What in the world would I gain from all this negative energy I am wallowing in?

So I choose to change the channel. I choose to find something good I can

do each day with the person or persons around me that need my good energy!

I choose to be helpful to someone near and dear to me that needs my help.

I choose today to “LET GO” of all the pain and sadness and heartache I personally

cannot control. Just by thinking this, just by telling myself this, just by saying

this over and over, I take on a clean slate. I rid myself of all the delusion that I think I

need to somehow focus on this past dysfunction and try to fix it. I cannot fix it.

People for the most part know that their feelings are an integral part of who they are.

Feelings are important to identify the pain. How I FEEL about something is huge!

Feelings are not to be forgotten, but rather FELT and acknowledged for the purpose

of healing. Healing emotionally is critical in every persons life.

I understand now and I accept the fact that my feelings are not fear based any longer.

All my feelings are recognized by me as often as I can feel them, accept them

and let go of the pain that is present and not helping me move forward.

I have absolutely no desire to block my feelings.

I have absolutely no desire to “NOT FEEL”.

I have absolutely no desire to stand in the way of my emotional growth.

How I feel about life every minute of every day is important to ME.

Cleansling my life of past thoughts that kept me in bondage to my feelings

is weary and draining.. How I felt about someone or something or some situation in the

past is exactly that. People that live on their feelings hurt the people around them.

IT IS ALL IN THE PAST.

If we are to grow spiritually and emotionally and physically in a healthy way,

we must be able to acknowledge our "WHOLE SELF”.

I pray daily to HIM because this keeps the fear away.

I pray daily to my LORD because this brings me balance.

I listen and pray and accept all that HE has intended for my life to make it

work in a healthy, honest, happy way.

I choose to feel all my feelings today and do this with a clear mind and no

drugs or alcohol or stimulants to erase the pain or not let me feel.

This way of making my life work - works for me completely.

As I close today I ask you quite simply is it possible you too want to feel

your feelings with a clear mind and healthy body?

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“Why be Strong?” Blog #20

Today is exactly one year to the day that I found my daughter dead.

I listen to myself say these words and I know this as truth. Yet, I do not dwell on it.

On the contrary ~ today my life is actually filled with situations that need my

critical thinking. I could go into it - but it involves another family member so I

will leave it at that. So very many things happen to us to bring us calamity,

excitement, fear or failure. Yes, there is also peace and success and calm.

My world, as I am sure your world, is filled with daily information and ideas.

We are given choices and we are given chances ad we are given clarity

IF we so choose. By self-medicating, we cloud the picture.

There is not a single person alive that does not have to deal with their own

daily drama. Now, one year later, there is not a single thing I could have done

differently with the tools I had at the time. There was no way that I could have

saved my daughter; Bridget from dying. This is because she herself, dld not

even fully realize the ramifications of her own choices and decisions and her

actions walking into the hotel room where they found her dead..

I listened to the news on the radio the other day, a handsome young man only

nineteen years of age, just in his prime of life, and so much ahead of him, was

pledging a fraternity. He was going through “Hell Week and the other frat boys

were hazing him. They poured a full quart of vodka down his throat.

He did not die. However, he was found partially brain dead and also blind.

Why did this kind of senseless horrifying tragedy have to occur? It did not,

yet, people make foolish, careless dangerous choices every single day.

Someone always pays for it and it becomes a ripple effect going out into

the different friends and families of the person affected.

I do know this beyond the shadow of a doubt, my daughter had many

empty bottles of vodka sitting in the hotel room where she was found dead.

My daughter gave in to her problems and her sadness and her weakness.

She did not try to see the “bigger picture” where her little boys would be

missing and wondering and asking; “when is mommy coming home from that

hotel room?” She was emeshed in her own world of sadness.

Where is the strength in that statement? Where do we find strength to rise

above all of this that I talk about? Why is it so important to even be strong?

Strong people have been overwhelmingly sad. Strong people understand

how important it is to hang on to their Faith through thick and thin.’

Strong people know there is absolutely “No other way”.

Why be strong? Because HE was. HE has already showed us that it did not

matter how many miracles HE did, it did not matter how many people HE

had healed and it did not matter how HE only preached love not hate,

because they hated HIM anyway,.

IF you see that all around you is the fabric of false illusion. Everything you want

to believe in can come unglued and turn against you. IF you try to find a way

to only live in the materialistic world and not embrace faith in HIM, life winds up

losing its meaning.

I treasure the memories I had with my daughter who is no longer with me.

I think back and reflect and smile at the times created with fun in them.

I smile when I recall my daughters honest laughter, for this is beautiful.

Today I cannot change one day out of my past. I cannot go back or go forward.

I do have all day today. Twenty four golden hours that I dan create any way

that I want to. I need to be strong to do this. There is no other way to see it.

I know this, I have come far enough in my life to know I absolutely do not want

to escape any feelings. Whether it be painful or not, I want to feel those feelings.

I do not need to self-medicate myself in any way. I am good with who I am and I

know now beyond all measure, that I am responsible for becoming a

“Healthy Me”. I refuse to accept any other part of me. What does my strength

look like in person? I can show all those around me positivity is best.

I can refuse to give in to any sadness that I know will debilitate me. I change the

thought, I look at a different picture and I create calm inside and outside of my

world. Everyone will look at me or you, exactly as we want them too. IF I

show sadness and remorse and fear……… this is what I will feel and get back and

experience in return.

I choose not to do this any more. I choose to find different outlets for my

sadness and then move on. I learned that the more I share in whatever

emotional outlet I choose, the more it will be returned to me, exactly like that.

It feels good to be strong. It makes me feel like I am in control of me.

To be strong, is to feel safe.

To be strong is empowering.

To be strong is contagious.

Try it on sometime, you would be surprised at how easy it is to stay there in

your ‘strong-mode’ and experience the world around you with HIS shoulder

pads protecting you from fear. If you choose to believe in prayer. Tell HIM

and ask HIM and invite HIM into your life. Watch how different everything

suddenly becomes. Ii its almost like watching life through a television

screen and knowing that you can change the channel of fear, regret and

worry any time.

Life then has a beautiful way of working out when we decide to

“get out of our own way”. Not our will, but let HIS Will be done in our life daily.

As I close today, its important that I ask you this:

“Are you willing to see what HE has in store for you, why not be strong and find out?

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“Bridget’s Chaos” Blog #19

IF every day of our lives were peaceful, quiet and uneventful - we would not grow.

When I say “grow”, I mean internally, spiritually and with our whole heart in it.

We grow when we are ready to believe we need HIM to help us now and always.

Try to look at your day and say, what are the things that have upset me today?

In the past, I refused to look at these things - rather I found it easier to escape, to

take a drink. It is almost a year, in another five days it will be a year. A year since

my cherished daughter Bridget died. The ironic twist to this is the fact that if I had

to gamble on any adversity coming into my life - as close as I was to this, I could

not see it or prepare in any way to stop it. Never thinking this of strong-minded Bridget.

I remember vividly, June 15th of last year. Bridget and I had been sporadically

texting to one another back and forth. Because of her habitual lies, I was trapped.

I had to make myself believe that information she was sharing with me was the truth.

Bridget had “put herself” in a hotel room for twelve days before she would be found.

During those days, almost daily she was telling me she had a “doctors appt.” the next

day. This was told to me only to be continually put off until the next day and the the

next. I should share the fact that the chaos at home, those first few days was over the

top. I was suppose to leave for Minnesota with my husband and two teen children.

We were seeing them off to camp and staying up North for the summer. The house

was in disarray and there were many empty suitcases that needed to be packed.

Bridget over the years, had gone off to retreat to a hotel room some times before.

In the big picture, I really wanted to believe it was just that. She was going for a brief

stay to comprehend her decision to leave her ten year marriage. Bridget had

chosen to move to our state eight months before now. My husband and I were

so happy to be near her and their family. We hoped they were finding jobs, settling into

their new home and getting their own two little boys 4 and 7 adjusted to their new area.

This was anything but true. Bridget had horrific internal health issues I had no idea

about. They also had their own marriage problems which I had been removed from.

We now lived thousands of miles away for the past three years. By the time I came to

grips with this horrific situation, Bridget had moved herself out of her home and into our

home for 12 days before leaving for the hotel. Twelve days of intense daily drama.

Horrific health issues. She couldn’t walk, blistered feet, bleeding sores in her mouth

and flat on her back one minute, out the door with the little boys til late at night,

the next minute. Constant chaos.

Twelve days of trying to fix things with the little boys crying and her screaming out!

Twelve days of finally realizing it had come to a head. We confronted Bridget on the

12th day she was with us, and the chaos was climatic. She had been up most of the

night, crying, screaming out, singing and going from one extreme mood swing to the

next. When I crept down the top two steps to the lower level, I heard her talking to

herself in the closed bathroom….. In between cries, she screamed out at herself over

and over, “I’m so F…’ing drugged up!” It was 2am. And now things began to make sense.

Especially keeping that backpack by her side 24/7.

That was all I needed. My husband and I talked about what to do. In the morning, we

told her that she could stay as long as she wanted and we welcomed her and the

children. However, there would be no drinking and no drugs in our home. Bridget

denied all of this. When we were gone to the store later in the morning, unbeknownst

to us, she moved the boys and herself into a hotel room. She texted later; “staying

overnight in a hotel with the boys just to get a little reprieve……”. What did she mean

by this? If only she could have had a glimpse this would be the last 12 days alive.

Bridget needed her own way to self-medicate her problems and chaos and sadness

away. We just had no idea how extreme her behavior had become. We had no idea

she would go into the hotel room and keep the boys there with her for only a couple of

days - then they were back at their house with their Dad. Now this plan allowed Bridget

to get very serious about the way she would handle her chaos and any crisis and

calamity in her own life.

By the time the detective held on to my arm and spoke softly to me, the coroner and

the medics had already transported Bridget out of the hotel room. The detective was

a kindly older man who spoke softly and shared that he sees this stuff every day.

“Watch this,” he said. He instinctively walked over to the big dresser under the television

and opened the drawer. There were eight or nine empty quarts of vodka bottles in a

row. “Now, he said, “look around the room, see those two empty half gallon bottles of

vodka, and the empty bottle of adderol, that’s when she got serious”. There is no food

here anywhere you look, none”. This girl had lost all concept of what she was doing to

herself.”

I still and will always remember the finality of it all. Bridget was gone. She walked into

the hotel room, never knowing she would not come out again. On one of her texts on

the fourth or fifth day - “Mom, its so peaceful here……”.

Now a year later - I am still not ready to say my final goodbye or come to terms with

the enormity of my grief. Still, I believe one thing has changed however. In the midst of

all the crisis, calamity and chaos - I still am able to always hang on to my faith. I have

still found a way to keep HIM internally with me. I have come to the awareness that I

could not truly save another grown human being from themself.

Even on the very last days of her life, I was afraid of her wrath, not thinking she was

dead. Yet, remembering how she told me; “don’t try to find me, or come and get me

or see me, I need time.” Even though I finally found her hotel and picked some flowers

in my backyard to take over to her on that final day -I did not. So, I admit, I was petrified

of her wrath. Its funny what family members can emotionally do to one another.

Bridget had built a wall, not a bridge for the two of us to cross over. So much of her

anger, sadness and dsappointment she had chosen to transfer over on to me.

Sometimes, inside a family unit, we take on a roll that is hard to change. Most times

rather than being a caregiver, I was actually a caretaker. Over and over in life, a

caretaker- not good..

At any rate, I will close today with these comments because I promised I would have

this blog revolve around the loss of my daughter, Bridget. I shared my recent,

revealingly raw story today because I would like to make two things very clear that I

have learned this year from my loss. Going back, revisiting the chaos, I could not have

changed her daily habits. I think about this. I had a daughter with a dangerous,

dysfunctional, daily habit. We all know what our daily habits are ourselves, behind

closed doors. We all know whether or not we build those in our family up, or tear them

down. We also must come to the realization that when people become adults, they

are expected to be responsible for a healthy life style for themselves. My daughter

Bridget was a beautiful soul. She ws creative, talented, funny and above all loved more

than she could ever know. Even amidst all her own chaos and confusion in the last

days of her life, she remembered me with gifts. There was Mothers Day and my

Birthday. Each time she sent a gift and wrote how much she loved me. She left me one

voice mail in those last 12 days she stayed and went to the store. I was home helping

her 7 year old with his schoolwork online. I have played her voicemail over and over,

again, so ironic. “Please tell Johnny to get on line and do his homework!” If only she

could have known that she would be dead within a couple of weeks of that voice

message. Would it have mattered in her world? A world that had shut down so

completely?

I told you that I have learned two things over this past year.

These two things will stay with me forever.

I believe, I could not save Bridget from herself, no matter what. This is my truth.

I also believe that now more than ever, I see how precious life is - I do not want to take

a single day for granted. Every day I also pray to see people thru HIS eyes only.

As I leave you today I ask you this:

“Is there anything you could, or would or should do differently

today knowing your days are numbered?”

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“The Impossible” Blog # 18

Today I find myself looking forward more than looking back. I see now its become

virtually impossible to fix, or repair or alter the past. There will always be things we

can learn from In our past, yet to stay there and feel regret is a sad walk and work in

progress. I myself, have spent countless years going back and forth over things that I

did in the past. I realize that so many of my decisions were based on impulsiveness,

anger and just plain immaturity. It does not matter what age a person is, there will

always be parts of us that tend to refuse to do what we know we must and should.

How often do we put ourselves first before we look at the needs of those around us?

If we are in a family and married with children, it can be hard to navigate the day.

Daily grind, children crying, money owed…. the list goes on. Yet, how and when and why

we make time for ourselves - THEREIN LIES THE ANSWER. When we have children at

home we share the energy in the household all around us. We see that there is a time

and place and reason for everything that happens if we but stop, take a breath, ask for

HIS help and look around.

I remember how my life took so many unnecessary turns. I chose so many alternate

routes all because of the way that I was “SELF MEDICATIING”. I had decided there was

nothing wrong in finding people to surround myself with that had a whole set of

problems ongoing and dysfunctional too. I wanted these people in my life because it

was easier.

Seriously? Did I just say that…I did. I found people to surround myself with that were so

dysfunctional it was easier than dealing with my own issues every day. I sat and talked

on the phone about their problems, anybody’s problems except dealing in a healthy

way with my own. I needed healthier ways to go forward. I know that at times when

we look back at our lives, we think, that if we had known what we were going to go

through - it would have been impossible.

After I was able to buy my grandfathers cabin back and take my own children up

north, I did see another side of life. The quiet, the calm and the majesty of the mighty

oaks that just keep growing year after year. Such peace was there. I laugh now as I

reflect back on the odd personalities of my Aunts around me. The irony of some of

their lives and what they showed or tried to instill in me that was important, yet

reflecting now, such pain they were really hiding.

My two aunts were my favorites. The younger aunt was a dynamo and a very strong

personality. She always talked religion which was so interesting now that I am of her

age range. I looked up to her in so many ways. She was my Mothers sister. So

successful in the restaurant business. She had worked her way up the “hard way”, she

reminded us in that stern voice, daily. Year after year I watched as my mother and

most of my mothers family worked at the restaurant. Even before this restaurant there

was more. All their lives had been enmeshed in this business. Sad to say, most of

them were all alcoholics. I found it so ironic that my Aunt that owned the latest

restaurant, constantly reminded the cousins and family at gatherings up north,

how hard she had worked to make the business what it has become. The ironic part

was she had told us children how she had gone door to door In her community to

bring liquor to that city. How she finally got a liquor license for her business. She went

on and on about the importance of that liquor license. Now they are dead and are all

gone. Even the restaurant that held so many memories for over fifty years, has now

been leveled and replaced by a bank. I suddenly am aware of the this huge irony in

her own life. She worked day after day, walking miles and visiting home after home,

just to get people to vote on giving her a “liquor license”, how ironic.

Her only son who had wanted to be a chiropractor, she convinced otherwise. She

offered him a new Corvette if he would be part of this “thriving three generation

business” and so he did. At his young twenty three year old life, the car was the ticket.

He gave up his own dream of being a chiropractor. On and on they all went drinking

and working, working and drinking. While both he and she struggled with liquor for the

rest of their lives. Eventually, liquor won, and they lost. All they dreamed of was what?

Eventually, it all came falling down. The false facade of life as they saw it. Liquor

brought them down. Be careful what you ask for. I ask daily now. “Not my will Father,

but your will be done”. Remember in my last blog I said, if you really want to make God

laugh, tell him your plans. I think we are given free will for a very specific reason.

We are able to choose. We get to choose every single minute of every day what we

want to think, what we want to do and where we want to go. My son recently told me

something that Einstein said, “Keep doing the same thing and the same thing will

happen”. What are you doing day after day? What did it take to really bring about a

positive, grateful, happy change in my life? It took me accepting HIM into my life 24/7.

I realize living my life is impossible without HIM. There is no possible way we can

navigate our own path each day on our own. So every single morning before I get out

of bed, I lay there and give thanks. I am thankful for every person, every lesson, every

situation that has been given me, to help me grow in a strong, positive healthy way.

There is no other way. So with that in mind I needed a plan. I put something out there,

way out there, a positive plan for my life. However, there will always be that one thing

that happens to you and I that we have no control over. The unexpected. It is

impossible to know how to deal with the unexpected. However, you and I know now, we

can carefully plan through this with the right tools. I know this because I have been

there. I have been to a place of such darkness - it was impossible to see. There

appeared to be no way out. It was impossible to imagine my life going forward. It was

impossible to be anything but stuck. So here’s my take on that right now, put your

hands together, sit quietly and say, “thank you for helping me Lord.” Watch the peace

that comes over you and expect a miracle in return.

As I close today I want to ask you this, “Can you today, do something postiviely

different for yourself? Only you know if you can.

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”Here & Now” Blog #17

There are times when we wish we could just check out. Times when we feel

that there is no way we can go forward with what we are carrying. There are

times we feel ready to give up. How many of us have been there? All of us

can say yes. I believe that each and every person is here today because of

the sum of their experiences in their life. We become stronger, better and

more loving because of where we have come from. The past is in the past.

The future is not yet. We only have the here and now.

I remember a time when I told myself that my life was headed in the right

direction, I just needed to sell one more house to get one more thing that

I needed at the time. I remember how important I felt my cherished children

were to me. I remember believing that the way I looked at life was perfect.

There is a funny saying: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

So often we want to put the cart before the horse, so to speak, and just

have it our way. The universe is directed by HIM. The unseen force of it all.

We are only alive and here and in the now because of all the lessons we

need to learn for our own separate growth.

I understand pain now. I understand loss now. I understand sadness now.

However, it is only through these overwhelming emotions, that we reach

out and want to learn about our “higher self”. We reach out and want to

know “why” things happened the way that they did. We try to know HIM,

usually in a selfish way, more often than not as a 911 or an SOS.. One day

when I was in a hurry to sell a house, my children were at school and I was

completely lost inside. I felt empty. I was trying to recover from what had

happened to my Mother and trying to find a way to just accept this. I had

stopped at home for a brief moment because my head was hurting and I

was going to rest. While laying down on my bed I heard a beautiful voice

speak to me. I will never forget this. “Your mother had her own path, she

had her own free will and there were lessons that only she could learn from.”

I tried to understand this. Yet, part of me was still so bitter. Whenever I

would start to think about the past sadness, I just worked harder in my

real estate to try to forget. Yet, as I said before, I did not have the tools

and it was only when I put my hands together and asked for HIS help.

Miracles began to happen in my life.

I went downtown with a ticket my neighbor had given me to listen to Depak

Chopra. I was leaving in the middle of him talking because I got nothing out

of it. When I was in the lobby ready to leave, a complete stranger touched

my shoulder. I had never seen him and he did not know me. He had the

kindest eyes. He spoke”. “I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am,” he

said. I thought how could he know what pain I am going through? I turned to

walk away. then he spoke again. “You know, I lost my wife and four daughters

in a house fire. I am so thankful they chose to give up their lives so I could

learn the lessons I needed to learn.” With that, he patted my shoulder and

disappeared into the crowd! With hundreds of people there, how in the world

did he just appear there before me?

What had he just said? Oh my God, was he serious…. I was so overcome with

emotion. His story struck me. I ran out to my car thinking I needed to finish

the wine I had left on the floor and think about what he just said. However, I

got to my car and burst out crying. I threw the cup of wine away, never to

want to drink again.

What IF what he said was true? What if each and every one of us has free will,

coupled with the lessons we are each given to learn from?

For the first time in my life, the bitterness was fading fast.

For the first time in my life, things really did make sense.

For the very first time in my life since experiencing such pain, I felt a sense of

relief. I drove home that night at peace. I did not need to quiet my mind with

anything outside of prayer. I went to bed and for the first time I trusted in HIM.

I can see now that I am here and alive in the here and now to do exactly

what I came here to do. I need to learn my own lessons. I can only share

with you today, like every day, we are each given our own lessons to learn

from. We can accept this, or push them away. Yet, I guarantee you there are

always going to be lessons to learn from. Our family becomes our greatest

teacher. As I leave you today, I ask you this, “Can you accept your lessons

you have been given and turn to HIM in prayer?”

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“All I Have” Blog #16

Here I am today. I have so many choices in front of me. I have so many places in my

mind I can go to. I have so many tools, good tools now to choose from. I have

managed to take myself to a place of peace internally with HIS light.

It didn’t always look like this.

As I look back at the younger me, I was scared. My life behind me was filled with so

much sadness. So many ups and downs. Always in a hurry and always a packed day.

There was very little quiet time. For a momenI I look back only to reflect. I can say that

I was most definately living in darkness. I was set on doing things my way and there

was no room for higher self thinking. The people that were surrounding me were

pulling at me from every corner. I found my own internal way to escape, yet I was

sinking fast. I really did believe that I was trying to be a good mother. I really did

believe that even though I was a shopaholic, a workaholic and an alcoholic by night,

I was giving my all to my children. What I did not know, was how much they learn

from watching me and the way I lived my life every single day. They learned even

more by what I kept repeating.. They saw a mother that worked and sold homes

almost all the time. They saw a mother that bought them anything possible to earn

their love, they saw a mother that “put on a great smile” and kept too much to herself.

When did I ever talk about HIM? The wonderful man who has set the example for all

of us to live by every single day. People learn how to cope from tragic events in their

life however they can. People quickly see that regardless of extreme sadness, or

tragedy or depression you go through - others too, have their own set of sad stories.

So, we learn to cope, to get by and to make it to the next day, however we can.

Evenually, I saw that alcohol was not the answer. At this point, I got sober. Eventually

I saw that work, work, work was not the answer, or I would burn out. This is where I

searched and found my own spirituality, and more than anything else, the

light deep within. As I look back at the younger me, once I found HIM, I needed

balance more than anything. I sat down one day and I must admit I was beyond

bitter. Why me, I said? If only I had something peaceful to go to.,..

For as long as I can remember, I had sold real estate. I loved selling houses.

But I would love a place to escape to. Did it even exist, could I ever find it?

As I said earlier, I was truly a workaholic. I never knew when to stop and I had

very little balance in my life. I felt guilty about this and decided to take my

children up North, for a nice holiday to wonderful summer resort. On the way up North

I told them that I was going to stop and show them my favorite place out of my

past. My Grandpas summer log home. There were so many memories made

when I was younger there and especially escaping from my own families dark

drama. It was late afternoon when we pulled into the driveway and there it was.

A wonderful old log home, out of place in time. Nothing had changed, it was

just like on Golden Pond. There was one lone car in the driveway and I said to

the kids: “lets go see if the people that own it now, will give us a tour”

The lady came out and was so gracious. Her husband had suffered a heart

attack and they were getting ready to sell it. She told me it would be wonderful

if I would want to buy it especially when it held so many memories for me as a child.

I laughed a bit and told her it was out of the question. I could never pay what

they wanted, although it seemed like such a fair price. As we left, she made an

offer that stuck in my mind. “If you can just come up with thirty thousand

dollars, we will carry the rest for awhile until you can refinance”. That alone

was unbelievable. However, where in the world was thirty thousand dollars?

I barely sold enough homes to keep the bills paid and the children in school.

Ironically, as much as I had going, I couldn’t get the cabin out of my mind.

The woman had said it was the perfect place for my eight and ten year old.

This was the most idyllic place in the world, but how could I ever do it?

That following week, the children kept pressing me to buy this cabin.

I still remember how it started.. My little girl said I should have a big house

sale and we could buy the cabin from the money we made. I laughed, thinking not

that kind of money. But things were about to change very quickly. The next day I was

in my lower level and found some old red suitcases filled with dolls. I was saving

these for my little girl. I’d forgotten I had them and brought them upstairs to be

appraised the next day. After a woman came to the house and looked through

all of them, she pleaded with me to have a sale with anything else I may have, as

soon as possible. I also found many other old, antique items that we sold as well.

I remember the day of the sale, people were in line around the block… I could make

this story very long, but the short version is that by the end of the two day sale, I had

over thirty thousand dollars!

My goal was reached, I was able to buy my wonderful old log home back.

When I went in there the first day after the closing, the same wonderful old cowboy

dishes were in the cupboard from the years back when I was little. The younger me

remembers dinners out on the porch with my cousins, aunts and grandpa. You might

call this a coincidence. I do not.

HE knew what I needed much more than I ever could.

The summer lake home that had been my refuge as a child, was now back in my family,

for my children. Now we were catching turtles, swimming off the dock and roasting

marshmellows by the fire at night, it was all back. Now I had a peaceful refuge of my

own. Now I had so much more to share with my children and I am so thankful for those

memories. Before my faith was solidified, I would wonder “why” things would happen

the way that they did? I would worry day after day how and why and when something

would work out. Now when I pray every morning I thank HIM for giving me what I am

suppose to have each day. I am thankful for every situation I am given so that I may

grow from it. I realize and I accept and I see that much has been taken from me, but so

much has been given in return. I see myself as becoming stronger. Yes, my life has

been filled with love and with loss.

Yet I believe that “All I have” is my faith, for this is Who I am.

Who I am is a miraculous, loved, child of God.

I ask you quietly and confidently if you can commit to this statement too.

Can you open your heart and believe in a miracle for your life today?

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“A Way Forward” Blog #15

Everything in Life has a purpose. Every part of the day has lessons to learn from.

Every person has a choice which way they choose to go.

People everywhere are filled with anticipation, anger and hope. Each moment

depends on each persons thoughts. There is a light behind every dark shadow.

Every person on earth has a right to a healthy life. Every person can choose

how they want to think and, coupled with this, they have a responsibility to live

from their higher self. Your highest self is the way;. Yet, the paradox is “free will”.

A higher Self conscience decision is the start of the Way Forward.

I remember when I was afraid a lot. I remember when I had a false line of thinking

I remember this enabled me to believe that “wine every day was my relaxer”.

There were days when I justified more wine then.others, yet I never believed in

a different higher way of thinking.

I shared in previous Blogs that miracles have indeed happened to me.

A specific miracle stands out right now. I was filled with sadess and loss.

Devestated over the death of my mother, I would relive how she had died. I was

“my own medic” and I believed that daily doses of wine were the great

“fixer” I was starting to see that my anxiety levels were increasing, but I

just ignored this. I knew what was best for my life, didn’t I?

Then came a night, a few months after my mother had died, where I awoke out

of a sound sleep. I saw my mother standing at the end of my bed. I was so startled,

yet at the same time completely at peace. My mother looked exactly as I remembered

her coming in from her garden work daily. However, now she appeared to be even

younger looking and more beautiful. She was at the end of my bed as if in

a moving picture. She was smiling and began to talk to me, “hi honey,

I wanted you to know that Irene met me when I got here. I don’t want you

to be worried anymore. I can’t stay any longer though because I’m very busy”.

Irene was her favorite sister who had died years earlier. With her last words

to me, she vanished. I couldn’t believe her last words. What had she said to me?

“…..I’m very busy"“. Where in the world did that word come from? It was if my guardian

angel was waiting for me to silently ask that question because internally I was hearing

“very busy with soul work, that is her responsibility now”.

I had a million questions, yet I was overcome with a feeling of peace.

I knew instantly that my mother was in a beautiful, healing, safe place.

I also felt that my time to see things differently was now.

It was time for me to stop getting in my own way with my own thoughts

of how I could “soothe and heal myself”. Now was the time to seek the Way Forward.

IF a person is open to spiritual help, the heavens open up and show the way forward.

However, it is imperative for me to relate a most important law of the

universe. “Every person has free will”. Again, I say, Every person has free will. HE who has

created us in his image, tells us “Our bodies are the temple of God”

Yet, we get to choose. We get to decide. We get to pick each day the way we go.

I have talked about the need for direction in other Blogs as well. I have shared

with you that it is important to have a “road map” when taking a trip.

Do we choose to find a healthy, positive, guidance system each day?

Do we really think that our life just happens without some thought, or attitude

or deliberate decision in choosing the way each day we want to go?

A healthy way forward is filled with prayer. A healthy way forward is filled with

positive, healing, and internal inspired intent.

Not one single word from our mouths should tell a lie to ourself.

Deceptive lying must go. I believe in baby steps. I believe that every person has a

right to go where they are suppose to be. IF you are reading this now, you can find

a new “way forward”. This decision lies inside of you. You can change now.

With the world filled full of noise, it is hard to discern truth. There is media all

around us. There is the computer, the cell phone, the television. Every part

of our day is filled up. Many people try to keep from thinking and feeling lonliness.

People turn television on and keep it on throughout the night! People drive

in their cars and turn up the radio. Where is complete peace or silence, in anyones

life Now? How can you hear your own “inner voice”?

You might be thinking right now, “Hear what?”

HIS voice is always trying to speak to you. HE is trying to connect to your HIGHER SELF.

Are you ready and open to want to listen?

If someone called me or you on the telephone and suddenly the television was

turned up loud and the radio in the car was filled with music, do you still hear

the inner voice of calm? Can you still focus on HIS truth?

Are you even interested?

Tonight when you go to bed, try this: “The light of God surrounds me,

The love of God enfolds me, The power of God protects me, and the

presence of God watches over me - wherever I am, God is and all is well”.

This is called “The Protection Prayer” . I say this throughout my day and

to help me get out of my own way and stay on The Way Forward.

In the morning, start of day, you may ask, “show me the way Forward today Lord”.

Then trust and believe every second of your day is for YOU to take advantage of,

We can change in a breath if we but choose to do so!

Sometimes, just when you feel you may want to do this, all kinds of setbacks

start to occur. You feel defeated. You feel isolated. You feel alone and worthless.

Trust me my friend, this is darkness in his finest hour. PUSH those thoughts away.

Get a hold of yourself for there is no one like you! You were made in HIS image.

You are a wonderful, powerful, dynamic creation. YOU are a unique talent that no

one else can replicate but YOU! Do something healing for yourself today.

Promise yourself you will do this and watch changes start to happen.

I have always been a firm believer in the words “I AM…… “ I am aligned with love”

I am attitude of truth, I am awesome!: Say these truth-filled affirmations

throughout your day. Start with the letter “A”. Do as many A’s as possible

and then go on to B’s. These are powerful, miraculous, healing mantras

of internal inspiration. See how many you can do throughout the day.

As I leave you today, I send you a powerful message. HIS light of protection

and energy and love, is yours for the asking.. Now I ask you this question:

“Can you stop negative thinking and find a new Way Forward today?

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“Difficult in denial” Blog #14

Why is it always easiest to keep doing what is familiar? We do not know anything else.

I believe that we fall into patterns of what is most comfortable. It is truly

difficult to do something out of the norm. Finding time to change an old

pattern of belief. Finding time to apologize to someone that hurt us in our

family. Finding time to tell ourself: “today is the day I find a new spiritual,

positive, growth plan. How are we denying HE exists?

Do you remember when new ideas were fresh, exciting and fun? Do you

remember when you were open to the universe for HIS light that is always there

to guide you? Do you remember if and when you took a turn that was purely

secular in dimension? Do you deny that HIS love is truly waiting for YOU?

Where am I even going with this?

One day, quite a few years back, I was meeting with my spiritual advisor who I felt had

finally been helping to a great degree. What he did not know was that I was telling him

I was prayerful and I was telling him I believed in Gods LIGHT. However, I deliberately

was keeping HIS light at bay. I was having my own inner dialogue with my own higher

self and depending on my bargaining tools, I was waiting…. waiting to see what would

happen. I rationalized, IF something happened miraculously, I might believe when HE

was ready to show me differently - I would perhaps be willing to meditate, but

definitely not consider prayer. IF I saw certain things happen in my life, I might want to

look at HIS truths. Maybe I would bring the Lord into my life, later, it all depends, I

thought.

Trust me, there is NO conditional relationship with the Lord.

This is not the way life goes.

Just when YOU think you have your life together, watch out! Everything worth doing in

life, brings difficulty along with it. It’s difficult just believing. It’s difficult having faith in

the unknown. Yet, it is essential. If you stay stuck in your own reality and your own

‘truths”, you can’t help but believe in the LIE.

There is only HIS LIGHT to transform all the darkness.

I remember my spiritual advisor asking me how I planned to guide my

two children who were six and three at the time. I knew before I realized

it, they would be teenagers and growing fast. He asked me this question,

“When your children are faced with secular, provoking peer pressure,

challenging them in their substance intake, sexual behavior and respect

for family, what tools will you have given them”?

“When they see their classmates abuse substances, question their own sexuality,

and show tendencies toward suicide - what tools will you have given them to stay

strong in their own skin”? When their world appears to be caving in around

them, how will you have helped encourage them away from dark forces and

strong in their spiritual self confidence to not stray, but follow our Lord?

I jüst sat there. It was very hard to find any answer. I was wrapped up in myself.

I wondered if he was just too extreme and what was he even talking about?

My real estate profession was everything to me. I felt I was a good mother

yet, as my children grew, when had I ever approached them with stories of

the “Man” they needed to know? How could they have an actual example

of how one person had to face dark challenges without the example of what

HE had truly gone thru? Where would their spiritual courage come from?

Here’s a thought, “our bodies are the temple of God”. True statement.

Yet, I don’t ever remember if I ever talked to my children about this.

All the ways we prepare and plan and set out to live our life,

this can all change in a breath.

I am an exact example of this.

My husband and I had wonderful jobs, we had a big, beautiful home in a lovely

area. We had a boy and a girl. We had our good health. We had happiness,

or so we thought. We had the best life could offer, but did we?

My husband came from a family that was non-religious and I looked at my

own belief system with a 911 or SOS approach to Christianity, it was only when

my own life fell apart, this got my attention.

I had become far too materialistic. Looking back, I see how I could have done

“difficult decisions differently.”

When my own life changed in a breath, everything came tumbling down around me.

I had no spiritual tools. I had no special relationship with HIM.

I was in the frigid ice house with no tools to dig out.

It doesn’t have to be like this. I can testify now with the second tragedy in my life.

As horrific as it was and still is, I am now insulated in the light of HIS truth.

I can close my eyes and see the brightest white light, instantly comfort me.

It is one thing to meditate to learn to become calm. It is quite another realm

to be in and to feel the insulation and the support and the unconditional love from my

Devine Protector. Meditation and Prayer are completely separate. Mediation

may bring you temporary peace, yet prayer brings you into a Devine presence

constantly. You feel safe, you feel secure and you have hope.

When our life feels pushed to the limit - its time to do something different.

As I sat speaking with my spiritual advisor this one day, he asked me to

look at the pencil he was holding. “It’s just like a boat on the water” he said,

The boat has two parts - the front and the back. The pencil has the tip and

the eraser, two ends. If you raise it up, the other end goes down. If you raise

the boat up, the back end sinks down. Then he brought two more pencils

and laid all three on the table. The three pencils took on the shape of a triangle.

“This triangle does not change no matter how you turn it” he said.

Up, down, over and over. it stays the same. The triangle is the strongest force in

the universe. Husband and Wife with God at the top. Nothing can penetrate it.

“Look at the two points of a pencil - one point represents the husband and the

other end represents the wife. This is not very sturdy in a storm. However if you

take the triangle and make each point represent something. One point is the

husband, another point is the wife and the top of the triangle paint is HIS

LIGHT. This point is the Lord. The triangle never changes shape. We are always

protected,. No matter how different or difficult the situation we have to endure.

We have a safe, secure, spiritual white light surrounding us at all times.

When my life changed and fell apart, my husband and I had no tools.

Our marriage fell apart. Our Children had no “safe port” living with both of us.

Our world took on difficult, dark demensions and we brought the children in with us.

You and I are meant to be restored, not crippled by what happens to us.

I can truthfully say, I am so much healthier with all of this knowledge.

If you are open, I will weekly do all I can to help you see that you have a right,

just like I do, to make your own destiny dynamic. HIS light is waiting for you.

I think a lot about the people in my own life that have chosen addiction, and

chemicals and alcohol to hide behind. I believe that everything that feels

broken internally, can be healed in a breath. Reach out, do it differently.

Today is the day we each have before us to make this difficult decision become reality.

We need to do something different and not be in denial. We can decide to discern

the truth. We can decide to tune out the secular world and bring in the the spiritual

world. We can decide to help those around us with real spiritual tools of healing.

The second you honestly decide to do the difficult, angels sweep in, HE sends out

spiritual armies for you, and causes the light to lift from the darkness all around you.

The blinders come off. You and I can see the truth. I invite you today to believe these

statements and I ask you this question:

“Can you let go of your own secular (non-spiritual) beliefs, put your hands together

and ask for HIS help?” Just watch and see what happens.

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“Facing Forward” Blog #13

Families are filled with many family secrets that refuse to just disappear.

As we all look back in our lives, what kind of family did we come from?

Did we experience situations that we have hidden away? Did we judge family

members because of the things they did to us? Do we continue to hold any

resentments or grudges? Life goes on each day and forgetting about our past

is what we become very good at. However, throughout our lives, it is the sad, bad

and dark part of our past that we conveniently keep at bay.

I would like to clarify what I mean by this.

Everything that happens to each of us, brings a lesson along to be learned from it.

When we get to a point in our lives where we feel we have learned the lessons from

past experiences, its time to move on to the next lesson. It is only then, with a

peaceful feeling, that we can leave the magnetic, painful memory behind.

Feeling safe to throw away the old hurtful garbage gives us clarity that we have

learned how to forgive this situation and not go over it again and again.

However, as you read this you might be saying, “I don’t have anything like that

in my past, and I have moved on from my painful past years ago”.

How can you know this to be true?

You have only to bring up the thought, “If any piece of this thinking is difficult to see

you have not healed.” More than anything else there still lies dormant within you,

a struggle in letting go of something painful that has most likely NOT been dealt

with truthfully. Two critical issues remain here, truth and forgiveness.

We go through one day at a time filling hours with important tasks.

We pacify the present, keeping our minds filled with thicker things that appear

to be necessary to the now we live in.

Internally we have found creative ways to break away from bad moments of

our own family past. Facing our family past in complete truth is tough.

I challenge you to ask yourself right now if your own biological family laughed

a lot. Did you grow up in a family that had lots of fun?

Did you laugh often at home as you grew older? I certainly did not.

Therein lies the rub. So many choices we have made depended on how we

ineracted in our own biological family. As I look back, I was sad so much of the time.

I cried and I worried about so many things. Then I grew up and I moved on.

I left my own family and I went out into the world. I see now the type of people that

I was drawn too. I went out and I looked for people to bring into my world that I could

fix. Internally I needed to fix people. I was drawn to other peoples problems.

Without realizing it, I was addicted to dysfunction. This daily drama was

exciting to me. Healthy, normal people were boring.

I open my eyes now and I see that these were the only tools I had at the time.

Inside me, the anger and resentment and foolish pride covered all the sad

situations that had happened and I closed the door to my own healing.

This was the movie reel that I chose to spin day in and day out. However, as the

old saying goes; “you can’t fix other people, but you can fix yourself”.

So now fast forward I look at my own life and I have a healthier perspective.

I understand that forgivensss is a tool to healing the painful, permanent past.

Family members who have hurt me need to be completely forgiven.

There are no exceptions. My life must have 100% total forgiveness in it for

me to be able to close doors and move forward.

More than anything I have ever done, I needed to put forgiveness at the top.

Why do you think I would stress forgiveness and put it at the top? This is because

forgiveness is the “Key” to healing, letting go and feeling at peace.

Close your eyes in a bit, imagine you are suddenly in a heavy fog. You are

bogged down, you are weighted down sinking in quicksand. You are wearing

a heavy coat, winter hat and gloves with heavy boots on your feet. The layers

of clothing underneath are suddenly soaked with wet sand and you are sinking

slowly. This heavy wet sand is near your neck and you are overwhelmed.

You can’t think. Everything is too much.

Then instantly an invisible force pulls you out of the quicksand.

You are being held tightly and you feel safe.

Your fragile flesh and blood body get to start all over.

This IS the power of HIS Forgiveness for you and I.

Your reality is who you are to your family and those around you..

Maybe your family now is just YOU and HIS light.

IF you care enough to start new today - you will be filled with all you need.

You will feel the unconditional love of complete forgiveness for yourself.

For you too, are completely forgiven.

There once lived the most amazing man. Never has there lived a man quite

like him again. He was unique in his compassion and love and forgiveness.

He was on earth to do anything and everything he could to help mankind

understand truth, love and forgiveness.

Yet, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, and no matter what

he said, they did not want to listen.

Instead they made up lies about this man. His goodness intimidated them.

Beating him badly, they stabbed and stoned him. Finally before he died, he spoke:

“Father forgive them for they know not what they do”.

As I leave you today I ask you a simple question,

“Can you let go and forgive people in your biological family?’

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