“Bridget’s Chaos” Blog #19

IF every day of our lives were peaceful, quiet and uneventful - we would not grow.

When I say “grow”, I mean internally, spiritually and with our whole heart in it.

We grow when we are ready to believe we need HIM to help us now and always.

Try to look at your day and say, what are the things that have upset me today?

In the past, I refused to look at these things - rather I found it easier to escape, to

take a drink. It is almost a year, in another five days it will be a year. A year since

my cherished daughter Bridget died. The ironic twist to this is the fact that if I had

to gamble on any adversity coming into my life - as close as I was to this, I could

not see it or prepare in any way to stop it. Never thinking this of strong-minded Bridget.

I remember vividly, June 15th of last year. Bridget and I had been sporadically

texting to one another back and forth. Because of her habitual lies, I was trapped.

I had to make myself believe that information she was sharing with me was the truth.

Bridget had “put herself” in a hotel room for twelve days before she would be found.

During those days, almost daily she was telling me she had a “doctors appt.” the next

day. This was told to me only to be continually put off until the next day and the the

next. I should share the fact that the chaos at home, those first few days was over the

top. I was suppose to leave for Minnesota with my husband and two teen children.

We were seeing them off to camp and staying up North for the summer. The house

was in disarray and there were many empty suitcases that needed to be packed.

Bridget over the years, had gone off to retreat to a hotel room some times before.

In the big picture, I really wanted to believe it was just that. She was going for a brief

stay to comprehend her decision to leave her ten year marriage. Bridget had

chosen to move to our state eight months before now. My husband and I were

so happy to be near her and their family. We hoped they were finding jobs, settling into

their new home and getting their own two little boys 4 and 7 adjusted to their new area.

This was anything but true. Bridget had horrific internal health issues I had no idea

about. They also had their own marriage problems which I had been removed from.

We now lived thousands of miles away for the past three years. By the time I came to

grips with this horrific situation, Bridget had moved herself out of her home and into our

home for 12 days before leaving for the hotel. Twelve days of intense daily drama.

Horrific health issues. She couldn’t walk, blistered feet, bleeding sores in her mouth

and flat on her back one minute, out the door with the little boys til late at night,

the next minute. Constant chaos.

Twelve days of trying to fix things with the little boys crying and her screaming out!

Twelve days of finally realizing it had come to a head. We confronted Bridget on the

12th day she was with us, and the chaos was climatic. She had been up most of the

night, crying, screaming out, singing and going from one extreme mood swing to the

next. When I crept down the top two steps to the lower level, I heard her talking to

herself in the closed bathroom….. In between cries, she screamed out at herself over

and over, “I’m so F…’ing drugged up!” It was 2am. And now things began to make sense.

Especially keeping that backpack by her side 24/7.

That was all I needed. My husband and I talked about what to do. In the morning, we

told her that she could stay as long as she wanted and we welcomed her and the

children. However, there would be no drinking and no drugs in our home. Bridget

denied all of this. When we were gone to the store later in the morning, unbeknownst

to us, she moved the boys and herself into a hotel room. She texted later; “staying

overnight in a hotel with the boys just to get a little reprieve……”. What did she mean

by this? If only she could have had a glimpse this would be the last 12 days alive.

Bridget needed her own way to self-medicate her problems and chaos and sadness

away. We just had no idea how extreme her behavior had become. We had no idea

she would go into the hotel room and keep the boys there with her for only a couple of

days - then they were back at their house with their Dad. Now this plan allowed Bridget

to get very serious about the way she would handle her chaos and any crisis and

calamity in her own life.

By the time the detective held on to my arm and spoke softly to me, the coroner and

the medics had already transported Bridget out of the hotel room. The detective was

a kindly older man who spoke softly and shared that he sees this stuff every day.

“Watch this,” he said. He instinctively walked over to the big dresser under the television

and opened the drawer. There were eight or nine empty quarts of vodka bottles in a

row. “Now, he said, “look around the room, see those two empty half gallon bottles of

vodka, and the empty bottle of adderol, that’s when she got serious”. There is no food

here anywhere you look, none”. This girl had lost all concept of what she was doing to

herself.”

I still and will always remember the finality of it all. Bridget was gone. She walked into

the hotel room, never knowing she would not come out again. On one of her texts on

the fourth or fifth day - “Mom, its so peaceful here……”.

Now a year later - I am still not ready to say my final goodbye or come to terms with

the enormity of my grief. Still, I believe one thing has changed however. In the midst of

all the crisis, calamity and chaos - I still am able to always hang on to my faith. I have

still found a way to keep HIM internally with me. I have come to the awareness that I

could not truly save another grown human being from themself.

Even on the very last days of her life, I was afraid of her wrath, not thinking she was

dead. Yet, remembering how she told me; “don’t try to find me, or come and get me

or see me, I need time.” Even though I finally found her hotel and picked some flowers

in my backyard to take over to her on that final day -I did not. So, I admit, I was petrified

of her wrath. Its funny what family members can emotionally do to one another.

Bridget had built a wall, not a bridge for the two of us to cross over. So much of her

anger, sadness and dsappointment she had chosen to transfer over on to me.

Sometimes, inside a family unit, we take on a roll that is hard to change. Most times

rather than being a caregiver, I was actually a caretaker. Over and over in life, a

caretaker- not good..

At any rate, I will close today with these comments because I promised I would have

this blog revolve around the loss of my daughter, Bridget. I shared my recent,

revealingly raw story today because I would like to make two things very clear that I

have learned this year from my loss. Going back, revisiting the chaos, I could not have

changed her daily habits. I think about this. I had a daughter with a dangerous,

dysfunctional, daily habit. We all know what our daily habits are ourselves, behind

closed doors. We all know whether or not we build those in our family up, or tear them

down. We also must come to the realization that when people become adults, they

are expected to be responsible for a healthy life style for themselves. My daughter

Bridget was a beautiful soul. She ws creative, talented, funny and above all loved more

than she could ever know. Even amidst all her own chaos and confusion in the last

days of her life, she remembered me with gifts. There was Mothers Day and my

Birthday. Each time she sent a gift and wrote how much she loved me. She left me one

voice mail in those last 12 days she stayed and went to the store. I was home helping

her 7 year old with his schoolwork online. I have played her voicemail over and over,

again, so ironic. “Please tell Johnny to get on line and do his homework!” If only she

could have known that she would be dead within a couple of weeks of that voice

message. Would it have mattered in her world? A world that had shut down so

completely?

I told you that I have learned two things over this past year.

These two things will stay with me forever.

I believe, I could not save Bridget from herself, no matter what. This is my truth.

I also believe that now more than ever, I see how precious life is - I do not want to take

a single day for granted. Every day I also pray to see people thru HIS eyes only.

As I leave you today I ask you this:

“Is there anything you could, or would or should do differently

today knowing your days are numbered?”

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