“All I Have” Blog #16

Here I am today. I have so many choices in front of me. I have so many places in my

mind I can go to. I have so many tools, good tools now to choose from. I have

managed to take myself to a place of peace internally with HIS light.

It didn’t always look like this.

As I look back at the younger me, I was scared. My life behind me was filled with so

much sadness. So many ups and downs. Always in a hurry and always a packed day.

There was very little quiet time. For a momenI I look back only to reflect. I can say that

I was most definately living in darkness. I was set on doing things my way and there

was no room for higher self thinking. The people that were surrounding me were

pulling at me from every corner. I found my own internal way to escape, yet I was

sinking fast. I really did believe that I was trying to be a good mother. I really did

believe that even though I was a shopaholic, a workaholic and an alcoholic by night,

I was giving my all to my children. What I did not know, was how much they learn

from watching me and the way I lived my life every single day. They learned even

more by what I kept repeating.. They saw a mother that worked and sold homes

almost all the time. They saw a mother that bought them anything possible to earn

their love, they saw a mother that “put on a great smile” and kept too much to herself.

When did I ever talk about HIM? The wonderful man who has set the example for all

of us to live by every single day. People learn how to cope from tragic events in their

life however they can. People quickly see that regardless of extreme sadness, or

tragedy or depression you go through - others too, have their own set of sad stories.

So, we learn to cope, to get by and to make it to the next day, however we can.

Evenually, I saw that alcohol was not the answer. At this point, I got sober. Eventually

I saw that work, work, work was not the answer, or I would burn out. This is where I

searched and found my own spirituality, and more than anything else, the

light deep within. As I look back at the younger me, once I found HIM, I needed

balance more than anything. I sat down one day and I must admit I was beyond

bitter. Why me, I said? If only I had something peaceful to go to.,..

For as long as I can remember, I had sold real estate. I loved selling houses.

But I would love a place to escape to. Did it even exist, could I ever find it?

As I said earlier, I was truly a workaholic. I never knew when to stop and I had

very little balance in my life. I felt guilty about this and decided to take my

children up North, for a nice holiday to wonderful summer resort. On the way up North

I told them that I was going to stop and show them my favorite place out of my

past. My Grandpas summer log home. There were so many memories made

when I was younger there and especially escaping from my own families dark

drama. It was late afternoon when we pulled into the driveway and there it was.

A wonderful old log home, out of place in time. Nothing had changed, it was

just like on Golden Pond. There was one lone car in the driveway and I said to

the kids: “lets go see if the people that own it now, will give us a tour”

The lady came out and was so gracious. Her husband had suffered a heart

attack and they were getting ready to sell it. She told me it would be wonderful

if I would want to buy it especially when it held so many memories for me as a child.

I laughed a bit and told her it was out of the question. I could never pay what

they wanted, although it seemed like such a fair price. As we left, she made an

offer that stuck in my mind. “If you can just come up with thirty thousand

dollars, we will carry the rest for awhile until you can refinance”. That alone

was unbelievable. However, where in the world was thirty thousand dollars?

I barely sold enough homes to keep the bills paid and the children in school.

Ironically, as much as I had going, I couldn’t get the cabin out of my mind.

The woman had said it was the perfect place for my eight and ten year old.

This was the most idyllic place in the world, but how could I ever do it?

That following week, the children kept pressing me to buy this cabin.

I still remember how it started.. My little girl said I should have a big house

sale and we could buy the cabin from the money we made. I laughed, thinking not

that kind of money. But things were about to change very quickly. The next day I was

in my lower level and found some old red suitcases filled with dolls. I was saving

these for my little girl. I’d forgotten I had them and brought them upstairs to be

appraised the next day. After a woman came to the house and looked through

all of them, she pleaded with me to have a sale with anything else I may have, as

soon as possible. I also found many other old, antique items that we sold as well.

I remember the day of the sale, people were in line around the block… I could make

this story very long, but the short version is that by the end of the two day sale, I had

over thirty thousand dollars!

My goal was reached, I was able to buy my wonderful old log home back.

When I went in there the first day after the closing, the same wonderful old cowboy

dishes were in the cupboard from the years back when I was little. The younger me

remembers dinners out on the porch with my cousins, aunts and grandpa. You might

call this a coincidence. I do not.

HE knew what I needed much more than I ever could.

The summer lake home that had been my refuge as a child, was now back in my family,

for my children. Now we were catching turtles, swimming off the dock and roasting

marshmellows by the fire at night, it was all back. Now I had a peaceful refuge of my

own. Now I had so much more to share with my children and I am so thankful for those

memories. Before my faith was solidified, I would wonder “why” things would happen

the way that they did? I would worry day after day how and why and when something

would work out. Now when I pray every morning I thank HIM for giving me what I am

suppose to have each day. I am thankful for every situation I am given so that I may

grow from it. I realize and I accept and I see that much has been taken from me, but so

much has been given in return. I see myself as becoming stronger. Yes, my life has

been filled with love and with loss.

Yet I believe that “All I have” is my faith, for this is Who I am.

Who I am is a miraculous, loved, child of God.

I ask you quietly and confidently if you can commit to this statement too.

Can you open your heart and believe in a miracle for your life today?

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