“Cruel Countdown” Blog #26

In one single day our life can beCOME the best memory ever, or the darkest day

imaginable. We can try, we can try with all our might to be prepared for the

unexpected. Yet, you can bet, it is impossible to do this. The events I am about to share

with you actually happened one and a half years before my wonderful daughter,

Bridget was born.

This is about my mom.

I still remember, all those years ago, how much Bridget would have loved her. We only

had our cherished little boy and he was our pride and joy at just one years old. It was a

hot summer day on July 11th and I was so busy with real estate appointments, I did not

know which appointment to go to first. Our son was busy throwing his food on the floor

from his little hand, sitting in his highchair. I was dressed in my new creme pantsuit.

Why in the world I poured a tippy cup of grape juice for him and forgot to screw on the

cap tightly, I will never know. The lid flew off and grape juice was all over floor, I

watched as he laughed and laughed. I got angrier and angrier!

I grabbed the cup and went to wipe off the top of the high chair tray, as it got knocked

over on the floor. The rest of his juice right down the front of my pants! I yelped and

screamed thinking “this was definitely the worst day yet”, little did I know.

This was the beginning of a “cruel countdown” that lay ahead for me. How misplaced

our priorities in life can be until the Universe decides to step in. The next moment was

definitely serendipitous. Definitely, as I look back, my angels got my attention.

Thankfully, I listened to my heart and not my head. For I believe all the events that

happened next, were meant to be.

I went outside on my back step, shaking off food, crumbs and trying to clean off

my pantsuit, only to make it way worse! I was obsessed with my “ruined morning”!

I just sat down on the stoop of my back patio and stared up at that blue sky. “Why me?”

I thought, “Why did this have to happen!?” All of a sudden, as if in a magical moment of

mystery, a complete alternative thought came into my head. “Why am I doing this?”, I

thought. Why am I racing to work on this unreal beautiful day? I have never taken my

little boy to the beach. Then an additional immediate thought. Call my Mom…. I need to

call my mom to come with. too. When did I ever go to the beach with her before?

Today held the bluest sky, so peaceful Not a day like this that I could remember,

it was a perfectly gorgeous summer morning. My husband will think I am absolutely

crazy!! We had so many apointments. Yet, when he walked into the kitchen and saw the

“grape juice fiasco”. He took one look at me and said, “No problem honey, I can handle

our appointments today. You go on to the lake with our little guy and your mom.”

And so we did. Not knowing still, the cruel countdown was clicking off time.

The memory is crystal clear still in my mind as we drove off to the beach. My mom had

brought over a big black umbrella, a thermos of lemonade and her big old soft quilt.

We were set. We no sooner settled down on the grass by the beach and she was off to

get her favorite little grandson a chocolate ice cream cone. I still see them walking

back on the beach, my mom could not lick the ice cream fast enough to keep from

melting and both of them had chocolate all over their faces. I felt totally relaxed. So

happy to have made this decision. We sat talking for the longest time while my little boy

took his nap under my moms great big umbrella. Hours seem to fly by, still I was

oblivious to the cruel unexpected countdown.

Suddenly off in the distance, just as I told my Mom it was time to get going and

“someone” would be awfully hungry now that he was awake from his nap. I looked up

and saw my husband approaching with a big picnic basket of goodies. A wonderful

surprise dinner picnic. He said he had finished our appointments and “something had

come over him to get us food and come find us at the beach.” Then he even

announced he had brought the last bottle of White Wine we had in the

refrigerator and saved for company this upcoming weekend. I had no time to protest.

He had the wine already poured and my mom was making a toast to the three of us for

such a nice surprise. We sat there eating our chicken and potato salad with french

bread. I watched as my mom bit into a red grape, chewing it in half and giving it to her

grandson.

Tick….. Tick….. The countdown was fast approaching now. The cruelty of it all was I had

no idea of the unexpected. I had no idea what was about to unfold. As we left our

wonderful picnic that evening, my mom smiled and gave me a hug. Getting in her car,

she looked over at me smiling, “honey, this is one of the best times I can ever remember

with you, let’s do it more often.” As she drove awaiy, she made sure to roll down her

window, and I heard “Love you…..see you tomorrow!” I nodded, throwing her a kiss.

The following morning at 9:20 a.m. my mother was murdered by a drug addict.

Whatever cash she had was gone from purse. When this happened, I was no where

near her home. I was out looking at houses on a real estate tour with my company

associates. I vividly remember coming back to my office that held about 25 - 30

people. As I walked into the office - everything became eerily quiet. The cruel

countdown had now caught up with me. I can only say with a broken heart, It took

years just to accept the pain before I could move on. For a long time I had dropped into

darkness, hiding behind my dangerous drinking. Regardless of all the facts that

unfolded, I had no way to prepare for this horror. I only had my own memories with my

mom. I also realized almost immediately though, that I had no regrets. For I had been

given the ultimate gift, the gift of using my time in the best way. This beautiful

consolation blanketed me with no regret. I had that last day with her and I listened to

my heart. Were my Guardian Angels preparing me for the cruel countdown? Yes, I

believe this to be true. Every single one of us have a higher self that we can tap into, if

we believe. Those days of darkness with my mothers tragedy are far behind me now.

I have been able after so much trial and error, to finally come back to HIM. I understand

and I accept and I believe there is a magnificent plan for each of us. Yet, it is up to EACH

of us to try to accept what has been given to us. When we try to learn from the situation

that has happened to us, then we go forward with HIS help and guidance. I can’t tell

you how much better it is to do it that way. It’s a complete release. Not knowing what

the waters are like, would you go out in a boat without a life raft?

I ask you today in all earnest, are you prepared for the unexpected?

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“Letting Go” Blog #25

Isn’t it funny, what we decide to hang on to?

Sometimes we hang on to family stuff from years and years past. We hang on to

hurts that our own parents have done to us, that we refuse to let go of, we just don’t

want to let go, no matter what.

In our life all we have is memories, we can only hold on to our memories. The daily

dilemma and the daily grind and the daily hurt, of just going back and forth with people.

The people that are around us are everything to our daily peace of mind. Some of the

people that we insist on holding on to, we have to let go of. I understand and believe

and know that in my own life, I was stuck for a very long time holding on to memories

that were not healthy. Now a lot of people may wonder why that matters? Because

forgiveness is major important to forgive the past that has hurt us. Especially if we have

parents that were hurtful in many ways. So often we think, “Oh, I can just move on and

not really think about it, but we do.” ALL of our relationships that we have brought into

our lives, are there for the purpose of learning lessons from. It sometimes takes a

lifetime to learn one lesson. Then we go on through our life and we choose friendships

Some of them, for the sole purpose of “fixing”. We have friends like that. We all know

people like that. We see people a certain way and we want to fix them. Lots of times this

is so we do not have to look at ourselves. So often we want to do for someone else,

what we refuse to do for ourself. In my own life, because my own childhood was so

filled with drama and drinking and dysfunction - I became addicted to dysfunction.

I didn’t realize it - but I really was addicted to daily drama. My parents fought, and

drank and fought and drank every day they were together. They did’t really know

anything else. Us children were robbed of fun-loving parents who did family things

together and encouraged their children in a healthy way. Drinking was everywhere and

everything to them and every day of their lives. So, when I grew up and decided to look

for a mariage partner.

Healthy, happy normal people were actually boring to me.

My father died at the ripe old age of 52 and never knew any other kind of life. I hated

what he did to our family and I swore I would never forgive him. However, that was my

lesson. What in the world do I mean by this statement? Maybe we have hurt someone

very badly. Maybe no matter how we look at it, or dissect it or try to fix it, the damage is

done. We cannot go back and make it all better again. Yet, just by acknowledging we

understand this to be true.

This is the beginning of healing a wounded heart. Words and actions are powerful

weapons. I remember a time in my life, many years ago when I couldn’t imagine

anyone telling me what to do. I was very stubborn. I could not fathom having humility

I was my own boss and my own dictator and HE was not really in my life. I had been

hurt all my childhood and into adulthood and no one was going to tell me anything.

I remember how important the wrong things were. I remember putting the important

pieces of my life on a back burner and then living life dangerously. I look back at life

now. Somehow I decided with HIS help, I am willing to take complete ownership of all

that I did. Knowing these things, I move forward accepting I cannot change anyone’s

heart. I can only change my own heart and my own behavior. We can pray someone

changes. However, it is not the best idea to have a pollyanna approach to life.

What do I mean by this? Some people stay stuck for a whole lifetime and its okay.

There will be some people that refuse to ever accept an apology. Regardless of what

you do. They will never change their mind and they will take their memories to their

grave. There will be some people that carry a grudge with them now and forevermore.

There will be some people that never accept a request for honest renewed friendship.

These people are out there and they are keeping YOU and I stuck if we allow this.

I came to the understanding that life its about all these moments and what we

decide to make of them. We cannot control what other people do, or other people.

The hardest part of letting go is the hurt. We remember the hurt and what we feel

they have done to us to bring about such pain. A memory can surface and we

refuse to let go of it because we see it only one way - our own way. It’s time though, If

you are reading this now, it is time to let it go. Letting go lifts the veil of discontent and

sadness. It frees all the parties to each memory.

I know that years and years ago, my daughter: Bridgets father and I were divorced.

This hurt the family terribly. Bridget and her brother were very small children. Children

should never have to choose which parent they want to be with. After divorce, children

lose the chance to sit down at the family dinner table together. Divorce brings on so

many other dysfunctional daily dilemmas. Daily pain surfaces. Then out of anger and

sadness and mistrust, mad memories are made. Children grow up and seeds of anger

and mistrust and sadness stay hidden within.

This is exactly what happened to me and my family. There were many years of

darkness and dysfunction and bitter feelings between people involved.

However for me, this is where HE came into focus and I had a chance to acknowledge

this. I completely understand the role that I played and that brought on awareness.

I began to accept that HE died for us and he was forsaken by his own closest friends,

yet he kept on his path and knew what he was suppose to do. Its important to believe

we will only be able to move on and let go of all our past mistakes, sadness. and regret,

when we decide to just “Let go” of all of it. The blame, the worry the reasons……

Every moment of every day we are encircled by our thoughts and our memories

and our daily ideas. This is exactly who we are. This is what makes us weak or strong.

IF we want to have complete clarity and peace of mind and happiness, we have to let

go of these things that keep us stuck in our sadness, anger and regret. Letting go allows

us to peacefully go forward without that burden of regret.

REGRET AND NOT LETTING GO ARE TWIN THIEVES, THEY ROB US OF OUR PEACE OF MIND.

Now that I have shared this with you, I remind you that these are each of our own

separate lessons to learn from.

Today is a brand now day, everything you have done that brings you sadness in

the past, can be gone in a moment.

“Let go.” You can give it up and give it to HIM right now. This is exactly what I try to do

and I want to share this with you today. IF there is a person or persons, in your life, like

there certainly has been In my life, that have hurt you with their words or their actions,

and they refuse to apologize to you. Say a prayer right now for forgiveness.

FORGIVE THEM. Whether it be your mother or father or sister or brother or wife or

husband or any friend, it does not matter. Forgive them now!

Let this go. Turn it all over and release those bad feelings. They can be no more.

Perhaps after letters written. words said, you hear nothing, still, …. Let it go.

Give it to HIM and feel the pressure release. Actually feel the heavy burden stuck within,

lift from every part of your being. Every person is on a different path and we cannot

judge them for this.

Today as I leave you I ask,

“Are you ready to “Let Go” of past burdens weighing you down?”

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“Stinging Setbacks” Blog #24

Just when You have it all worked out, the bottom drops out - You are asked to TRUST.

Yet, if a person has no faith, what are they supposed to trust in?

If a person suddenly has a tremendous setback in any part of their life that takes major

mind setting trust - what exactly can someone trust in when the

“complete unplanned for” happens?

There is no possible way of getting everything you want, every single day and not

having any setback. This is life and each and everyone of us are party to it. We came

into life alone and we will go out of life alone. In the in-between, the day to day journey

that takes us either down or up depending on the event. One single phone call and the

whole world can change for you in an instance. How do I know this? I have been alive

for over seven decades and I know this to be a fact. I have tried desperately to do it

alone - I failed. There is not one single person alive that can safely say without a doubt

in their mind, they are prepared completely for the unexpected.

No one is prepared for the unexpected.

Yet, we all go along our way, each and every day, for the most part - not thinking about

the unexpected that can bring into our fold, horrific setbacks. Does a person ever stop

to think that our “Life Lessons” are IN the setbacks? Do we even ask ourselves “why ARE

we here? As we acquire more things and more people in our life we take on more daily

problems and little by little the right attitude toward life, the spiritual piece, the part that

really matters - gets shoved way in the back,

until………….

Now you might say to yourself right now, “Oh, I have my moments, I know the right thing

to do and I maybe, just maybe, I might believe there is something else to my life, a

deeper piece, if only I was given a little glimpse, a little miracle, or a little unseen help

when I really need it, other wise what’s the use?” How many of us have that thought?

Probably all of us, at one time or another. Yet, as I sit here and write this I believe with

my whole heart, it is the life lessons each and every day, especially the setbacks, the

sadness, and the death we deal with that teaches us great lessons we must learn.

I would do anything in my power to bring my daughter back alive again. At the end of

her short life, she had so many setbacks, so many stinging setbacks. She chose and she

believed if she medicated herself enough, it would all go away. So she took another pill,

drank another drink, and did it work? It did, and so she is gone. Did she die because

of purposely choosing this? Or was there one drink too many and one pill pushing

her over the edge? We will never know. Look at what set-backs occurred when she

left this earth. Her children, her family and so many others all around her energy, were

devastated by her loss. The horrific setback that happened will be a life lesson for her

children as long as they are alive. They did not choose this lesson to have to learn from,

it was given to them.

My daughter Bridget was brilliant. She was beautiful. She was funny. Bridget could not

handle setbacks and she had not incorporated FAITH into her life. She would never have

abused her body and her mind IF she believed “her body was the temple of God”. She

never would have given into the stinging setbacks that kept happening, if she was able

to use the tools of her faith and incorporate this into her life. Because of her choices in

life, the rest of her family as well as me, her mother, experienced stinging setbacks for

the rest of our lives.

However, I do believe in HIS light that has shown me beyond a doubt that we are not

from here, we are only here on earth to learn our lessons and to help other people. It’s

up to us each and every day to find a way. Study, learn and pray and find a way to

have courage.

STAY STRONG IN THE MIDST OF DARKNESS

The hardest part is to Trust in this statement. I know this. I have been there. I have been

to the darkest place and back. Trust me, there is no other way. Cold turkey, straight on,

no leaning on drugs, alcohol or pills. Just using the mind HE gave me and believing

“this too will pass”.

So as I close today, on a shorter note but still so important. I want to share these words.

I did it. You can do it too. You can trust in HIM to take it from here. Say a quiet prayer to

yourself now and know and believe and trust if it is for your highest good and the

highest intent of your deserving it, then it will be known to you. There is a brilliant saying

and it goes like this….

“Be in the world, but not of the world.”

Finances are huge. Financial setbacks can be crippling. A car breaking down,

thousands of dollars owed can bring on true anger and fear and rejection of HIM.

This means don’t get caught up in the every day trials and tribulations - move on.

Even if I have a life altering event, my daughter dies and no longer here. This is a life-

altering event truly, but I cannot remain angry at HIM. I have to renew my faith and

make it stronger. This is the key. This is being in the world but not being caught up in it.

We have to live in the world, we have no choice, but we can choose to have HIM with us

every move. This is critical advice that we should all try to encompass in all of our lives

24/7. Finally before I close, remember this,

You are never alone. We are never alone. HE is with you every step of the way.

Now I ask you sincerely, “Do you have the tools ready for all of YOUR setbacks?”

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“What’s Next?” Blog #23

So many times in my life I have been stuck and wondered how can I possibly go on?

I find that in the past I made choices for myself, that got me in deeper trouble, because

I jumped from one thing to the next without taking time to sort through my thoughts.

This was when I insisted on being my own boss and NOT looking to HIM for help.

This day and every other day as well, are only filled with 24 golden hours period.

We then get to do whatever we feel we need to do to exist within that time frame.

So many of us decide to lie to ourselves day in and day out. Deceit is our closest

companion and telling lies gets easier as the days go by.

What I mean by thls bold statement is we do not allow ourselves total and complete

transparency. Seeing life through the eyes of drinking, or popping pills or taking

dangerous drugs. The days go on and on from one delusion to the next. There was a

time when every one of us was young and filled with life and above all, vitality. The

ability to get excited about tomorrow. The chances we took with a clear head and a

determined spirit. We were spurned on by the desire to accomplish something

“special”.

At least some of us did think that way when we were young.

Every person is the same in the sense that we wake up and go to sleep alone in our

thoughts. We are alone in our own desires and we are alone in our own misfortunes.

Regardless of the material possessions one person or the next accomplishes, it can all

be gone in a flash…

Then life is over, all over, no more.

I do believe as we get older, is it harder to see and harder to say with excitement; “What

can I accomplish that is special next”? Somewhere internally there is a place where

each and every one of us knows there has to be something else out there beyond what

we work for and accomplish materialistically every day. Regardless of who we are or

where we come from, every person wants to feel loved and needed and cared for.

I believe that the most important reason I drank was because I did not want to feel. I did

not want to feel anything. Feeling pain, sadness and heartache is something that a

person needs to feel feelings in order to move on and not just survive but to thrive!

These feelings are in every person. Covering up how a person feels about any situation

that has happened is asking for trouble. So often as I look back on my own life and

remember my father who was drunk so often, I can’t remember him being sober -

embarrassing. I was embarrassed more times than I choose to remember. Yet, I had

no idea how this would affect my life as I grew older. “Whats next?” was a situation in

my own house that daily scared me to death. I never knew what to expect let alone

how it would turn out? I could never think of bringing friends to my house when I went to

school - it was way too embarrassing. “What’s next?” was all I was worried about. So I

kept friends away. Days, months and years went by and shaped my life. I made sad

choices, and I insulated myself. The friends I would choose to caretake and the times I

would choose to drink too much as I grew older became dysfunctional and somehow

developed my own lifestyle. More and more my life took on twists and turns in the

strangest ways as a result of how I had been parented growing up. I was desperate

and pushed HIM away. I know now that Life can be better with HIS help. If we believe

that we are created in HIS image and our “Bodies are the temple of God” this is the first

start. We are choosing not to abuse our bodies through drinks, pills and drugs. If we

can believe that every single situation that happens to us happens for a reason, to

teach us something in our own family. Then we are really on the right path, then we are

open to growth In a positive vein. It doesn’t matter when we decide to do this. The

reason being, as I have said before, is because “when the student is ready, the teacher

really does appear”. Truth appears in breath. If we but look all around us, there is life

and death every single day. We came from HIM we will leave and go to HIM.

I remember when I was so successful in real estate and had sold so many houses that

my husband and I had run out of “toys to buy for ourselves”. We had a big beautiful

home, two new cars, two beautiful children and as good a life as anyone our young age

could aspire to. We thought we had it all. Every day we lived the “good life” and drank

and partied and thought we were having fun. However, then the unexpected

happened. Tragedy struck. We were not prepared for the unexpected.

WE HAD NO FAITH..

We had nothing to fall back on and hold us together. We were like two ships sailing in

the roughest seas without a way to stay afloat. We went our separate ways. I must

admit, I almost drowned. It didn’t matter how much I drank. I was lost in a Black Sea.

I had never been so afraid In my life as I cried out; “what’s next?”. It was only when I put

my hands together, finally crying out for HIS help, that the storm lifted. The darkness

gave way to HIS light and I felt rescued. Never again, as long as I live, will I put my faith

in this world only, knowing I belong to HIM and HIS world will be waiting for me, when I

leave this earth. There is something very calming and reassuring and comforting when

you know its not up to you to figure out all the things that are out of your control. This is

why I write today. I am trying to share an important awareness that literally saved my

life. This is probably the main reason I will never consider taking my own life. Life is too

precious. We are on earth to learn the lessons we have been given and to help those

that need our help. How can we discern what’s next? We can find this out right now by

putting our hands together and asking for HIS help. Watch and see what happens to

you! Watch the miracles unfold. Believe you can and you can. As I leave you today,

please try to believe you are here for a reason and internally you already know the

answer to this.

My question today is, “Are you prepared for what’s next?”

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“Toughest Teachers” Blog #22

When we wake up each day, we know we have a brand new start. We are filled with the

ability to “feel life” as we should. Feeling all of our feelings is important, necessary and

above all, a learning experience. This is because all the feelings we need to feel, give us

the opportunity to learn the lessons we need to learn on a daily basis. Perhaps this is

confusing, I will explain because. It is not easy. There is a very definite reason why we

are here. We are here on earth to learn.

I have said this before and I repeat, “We are alive to learn lessons each day”. I believe

that we learn our lessons from the “feelings that we feel”. If we dull our senses, we

cannot feel the feelings that are within us.

What feelings am I talking about?

The most important teachers in our lives come forth through our feelings. The feeling of

fear, fearful of the unknown. Fearful of the words we have said in anger. The feelings of

anger toward another person, or a situation that has happened to us. There is the great

teacher of Regret, regret for the things we wished we would have said, regret for the

people that we treated wrong and wished we would have treated right. Regret for the

words we wished we would have said correctly. Another great teach is “Blame“. This is a

great teacher. How often have we blamed another person or another reason for why

something happened, when we could have taken the time to look into our own heart

and find the truth? Suddenly, that is when another teacher creeps forward and shows

his ugly head, Pride. Pride is a very important, valuable teacher in that pride hides us

from ourselves. Pride tells us that we are never to blame. There is the simple fact that

Pride hides us from our true self. Pride gives the convenient cover of darkness with

denial and depression. These great teachers are here for us every single day. We

usually have a choice to “use and abuse” any and all teachers. Alas, along comes the

most humbling of teachers, Death. When someone near and dear to us dies, there is a

finality to this understanding that is permanent. We cannot go back. We cannot

change a thing. We cannot tell someone that is gone something important. They are

gone, and its over.

Death becomes the great equalizer and brings with it the final curtain. So often people

cannot find the answer to why they are stuck until there is a death around them and

they then may be forced to see life differently. Our feelings are so very important in the

fact that when we dull our senses, we choose not to feel, period. We choose numbness,

not feeling, over critical awareness and feeling life as we should, with all our senses

intact. I remember after major blows in my own life when my mother died, when

I was faced with horrific challenges, that seemed at the time unbearable. The first

teacher that surfaced its ugly head was Fear. There was so much fear around me.

I decided I could not cope. I decided I couldn’t take it. I decided that me and me alone,

knew what was best for myself. I was able to dull my feelings daily, or so I thought, I just

chose to rationalize with drinking. A funny thing happens to a person though, when they

are hiding out. You cannot do this for very long. Eventually the universe DOES step in

and it says “enough is enough”. A person either dies or it is Time for some really

powerful lessons if not, because this is where one is not willing to see the light.

I must admit, the Fear was suddenly my most humbling teacher. This was also

coupled with severe anger, hatred, and blame. Eventually when I still would not

listen, my own health issues were brought in to view. My body was riddled with anxiety

and depression and I began to experience severe migraine headaches. At some point

HE says, “please hear me, I am trying very hard to get your attention, Barbara”.

This is where I began to see that my way of figuring life out, was not the right

way. I began to understand slowly, but accurately a more important point. Life is all

about learning Lessons. It just is. If we hide behind alcohol or drugs or pills to stay

clear of our feelings, there will come a very big lesson that the universe knows we need

to learn. I suspect I was a great candidate because of my intense ability to try to stay

ahead of myself, deceive myself and abuse myself in so many ways. One day I was

over at my friends house with my children and they were very little. I had gone over

there to celebrate her birthday and spend a little time. I wasn’t going to stay very long,

just a little celebration and maybe a couple of drinks. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I

was super busy in Real Estate but this was my best friend, so I made the time and took

the children with me. I remember we were having drinks and laughing and my children

were running around the house having fun with my best friends children.

One drink led to onother and suddenly I was wide awake the next morning, down in their

lower level, covered up on the couch. I looked around and saw my two children playing

a game on the floor quietly. They looked over at me with a look I will never forget, there

was such sadness in both their eyes. They saw a mom that they couldn’t figure out.

They saw a mom that had gotten so drunk, she had litterally passed out at her friends

house and forgotten all about everything else. I never realized that I had drank so much

alcohol, I had completely blacked out. Over the years, with consistent habit, now I had

developed a very dangerous tolerance of not knowlng which drink would send me over

the edge, “total, complete black out” and no remembering what has happened to me.

This was where I was at in my own life that day.

I thought I had found an answer for all my “Feelings that I didn’t want to feel”. I thought

and believed and was convinced, I had control over my own life. How very wrong I was.

My children were quiet all the way driving home that day. Then a great teacher

appeared. It was my son, he asked me a question that was so humbling, I could not

answer him. He said, “Mommy, I kept shaking you on those basement stairs, why

wouldn’t you hear me and wake up?” My friend and her husband had decided to put

me to bed on their lower level couch, when I passed out on their basement staircase.

This was so very embarrassing to find that my little boy and my little girl had to see me

in this state. There is no such thing as believing I had control over my feelings, and

actions, and words when I was so enibriated. I was passed out drunk on the stairs.

My denial and my pride and my fear were running away with my life. These

are feelings of fear that were all masked every time I took a drink and believed

that I was in control of my feelings. I was not in control. I was never in control. The

teacher “Denial” was in control. I refused to feel my own raw, intense, sad feelings.

I chose drinking on a daily basis to believe that I was in control. I had given up control

to the dark forces and feelings of depression and death of my real internal, Higher True

Self. At the moment my son asked me that question, “Why couldn’t you hear me and

wake up mommy?” My son became my greatest teacher at that moment. It doesn’t

have to be so extreme for you and I. There is a great saying and it goes like this,

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears”.

When we are ready for HIS help, the heavens open up, angels come forth, the lights are

bright and blazing. It is time to embrace the truth and move on. This is such a freeing

feeling. I understand now that we have to feel our feelings. We have to wake up each

and every day and feel what it is we are suppose to be experiencing at that moment.

There is no other way around this. I want to help you and others by saying this, “Nothing

is as bad as you think it”. We are given each new day to start over and I see how far I

have come with this understanding. when I was deep in darkness. Although It was all

around me, I did find a way out. I put my hands together and said; “Please help me, I

cannot do this by myself”. At once I felt at peace. Immediately I had help. Every day I

feel supported by HIM now. The Dear Lord is right here for you too.

Did you know that every single person on earth has a Guardian Angel? Did you know

that if you sit quietly, or close your eyes before you go to sleep tonight in complete

stillness, you can ask this question, “Who is my Guardian Angel”? The name will come.

your angels name will come to you.

As I close this segment of my Blog today, I simply but firmly ask you this,

“Can you feel the feelings you are meant to feel, free and clear of pills, drugs or alcohol?

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“Making Life Work” Blog #21

Every second of every day a different feeling, thought and idea comes into mind.

We continue to cloud our minds with music, tv, the internet and of course all the

people that are around our daily spectrum.

Sometimes we see that life is so hard we want to bandage it.

We find people with even more problems and addictions and substitutes for feeling all

that we are given to “FEEL” on a daily basis. I started to ask myself a long time ago, what

am I so afraid of? Why did I have to medicate myself with alcohol more and more?

Ironically, why were my problems increasing instead of being held at bay? My using

anything to try to “fix my own internal pain” was not working, not working at all. When I

am super down and depressed, taking a pill to relax or a drink to unwind, does not work

for me. There will never be just one pill. There will never be just one drink. I see that and

I understand that I have to “feel these feelings”. I have to deal with the whole of me

every single day. I know that radio and the air waves are saturated with commercials

going over and over, pushing meds. “Take your meds, everybody’s on them.” This does

not work for me. I know that if I have HIM in my life and every day I can focus and

meditate and pray, my life works. I come into balance. I am at ease with where I am.

So I say to myself, “I AM PEACEFUL”. I can feel my life working for me today.

We all have constant reminders of the past and things we did not do the way we

we had intended. Life is filled with complications and different “side tracks” that can

easily distract us, confuse us and put us down a dark and difficult and different path.

Purposefully, this is why I am trying to focus on “making my life work well”. I am

constantly giving myself “affirmations throughout my entire day”. Also, I keep

reminding myself lately that all I HAVE IS TODAY. I have gone back and looked at

many of the painful past situations that happened to me. Now of late, when I have

chosen to experience my life with clarity and sobriety and truth, the pain is less

intense. I can feel these feelings. I know I must feel these feelings. It’s only when

people decide that it is “too painful to endure”. I must take something, I must find

a substitute for my pain, I must “not feel” ….. Is this WHY so many people say I need

pills/alcohol any and all kinds of stimulants, so there is no “feeling’?

I have figured out that the “feeling part of life” is yes, painful but able to be

endured “cold turkey”. We can look at where our decisions have taken us with

clear vision and choose not to go down a dark, dangerous, dismal path of isolation.

There is a different way that is less painful. When I was drunk or when I was high, I

thought I’m escaping my problems. But I was not.

Standing alone by myself, I see that there are absolutely “NO SHORT CUTS”. Life is given

to us for two reasons. We are here to learn our lessons and we are here to help other

people. The more we learn the sooner we can go on to the next healing lesson in life.

Fortunately, life does not have to be filled with such pain. Remember when I told you

last time how you can look at your life the way you view channels on a television set?

You and you alone can change the channel constantly. Maybe family members are

getting the best of you, and you can’t take it. Maybe inside your own world, today it

seems overwhelming, no way out. Maybe someone close to you appears to be verbally,

mentally hurting you.

There is an immediate way out of this. Change the channel.

STOP focusing on what you know you cannot internally fix!

Stop seeing life in such a dark way.

I could spend the rest of my life, the whole rest of my life, just focusing on

all the bad, all the sad and all the enormous heartache that has befallen me.

However, what in the world would be my outcome?

I chooses to go forward and find my path. I choose to grow from all my past setbacks.

What in the world would I gain from all this negative energy I am wallowing in?

So I choose to change the channel. I choose to find something good I can

do each day with the person or persons around me that need my good energy!

I choose to be helpful to someone near and dear to me that needs my help.

I choose today to “LET GO” of all the pain and sadness and heartache I personally

cannot control. Just by thinking this, just by telling myself this, just by saying

this over and over, I take on a clean slate. I rid myself of all the delusion that I think I

need to somehow focus on this past dysfunction and try to fix it. I cannot fix it.

People for the most part know that their feelings are an integral part of who they are.

Feelings are important to identify the pain. How I FEEL about something is huge!

Feelings are not to be forgotten, but rather FELT and acknowledged for the purpose

of healing. Healing emotionally is critical in every persons life.

I understand now and I accept the fact that my feelings are not fear based any longer.

All my feelings are recognized by me as often as I can feel them, accept them

and let go of the pain that is present and not helping me move forward.

I have absolutely no desire to block my feelings.

I have absolutely no desire to “NOT FEEL”.

I have absolutely no desire to stand in the way of my emotional growth.

How I feel about life every minute of every day is important to ME.

Cleansling my life of past thoughts that kept me in bondage to my feelings

is weary and draining.. How I felt about someone or something or some situation in the

past is exactly that. People that live on their feelings hurt the people around them.

IT IS ALL IN THE PAST.

If we are to grow spiritually and emotionally and physically in a healthy way,

we must be able to acknowledge our "WHOLE SELF”.

I pray daily to HIM because this keeps the fear away.

I pray daily to my LORD because this brings me balance.

I listen and pray and accept all that HE has intended for my life to make it

work in a healthy, honest, happy way.

I choose to feel all my feelings today and do this with a clear mind and no

drugs or alcohol or stimulants to erase the pain or not let me feel.

This way of making my life work - works for me completely.

As I close today I ask you quite simply is it possible you too want to feel

your feelings with a clear mind and healthy body?

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“Why be Strong?” Blog #20

Today is exactly one year to the day that I found my daughter dead.

I listen to myself say these words and I know this as truth. Yet, I do not dwell on it.

On the contrary ~ today my life is actually filled with situations that need my

critical thinking. I could go into it - but it involves another family member so I

will leave it at that. So very many things happen to us to bring us calamity,

excitement, fear or failure. Yes, there is also peace and success and calm.

My world, as I am sure your world, is filled with daily information and ideas.

We are given choices and we are given chances ad we are given clarity

IF we so choose. By self-medicating, we cloud the picture.

There is not a single person alive that does not have to deal with their own

daily drama. Now, one year later, there is not a single thing I could have done

differently with the tools I had at the time. There was no way that I could have

saved my daughter; Bridget from dying. This is because she herself, dld not

even fully realize the ramifications of her own choices and decisions and her

actions walking into the hotel room where they found her dead..

I listened to the news on the radio the other day, a handsome young man only

nineteen years of age, just in his prime of life, and so much ahead of him, was

pledging a fraternity. He was going through “Hell Week and the other frat boys

were hazing him. They poured a full quart of vodka down his throat.

He did not die. However, he was found partially brain dead and also blind.

Why did this kind of senseless horrifying tragedy have to occur? It did not,

yet, people make foolish, careless dangerous choices every single day.

Someone always pays for it and it becomes a ripple effect going out into

the different friends and families of the person affected.

I do know this beyond the shadow of a doubt, my daughter had many

empty bottles of vodka sitting in the hotel room where she was found dead.

My daughter gave in to her problems and her sadness and her weakness.

She did not try to see the “bigger picture” where her little boys would be

missing and wondering and asking; “when is mommy coming home from that

hotel room?” She was emeshed in her own world of sadness.

Where is the strength in that statement? Where do we find strength to rise

above all of this that I talk about? Why is it so important to even be strong?

Strong people have been overwhelmingly sad. Strong people understand

how important it is to hang on to their Faith through thick and thin.’

Strong people know there is absolutely “No other way”.

Why be strong? Because HE was. HE has already showed us that it did not

matter how many miracles HE did, it did not matter how many people HE

had healed and it did not matter how HE only preached love not hate,

because they hated HIM anyway,.

IF you see that all around you is the fabric of false illusion. Everything you want

to believe in can come unglued and turn against you. IF you try to find a way

to only live in the materialistic world and not embrace faith in HIM, life winds up

losing its meaning.

I treasure the memories I had with my daughter who is no longer with me.

I think back and reflect and smile at the times created with fun in them.

I smile when I recall my daughters honest laughter, for this is beautiful.

Today I cannot change one day out of my past. I cannot go back or go forward.

I do have all day today. Twenty four golden hours that I dan create any way

that I want to. I need to be strong to do this. There is no other way to see it.

I know this, I have come far enough in my life to know I absolutely do not want

to escape any feelings. Whether it be painful or not, I want to feel those feelings.

I do not need to self-medicate myself in any way. I am good with who I am and I

know now beyond all measure, that I am responsible for becoming a

“Healthy Me”. I refuse to accept any other part of me. What does my strength

look like in person? I can show all those around me positivity is best.

I can refuse to give in to any sadness that I know will debilitate me. I change the

thought, I look at a different picture and I create calm inside and outside of my

world. Everyone will look at me or you, exactly as we want them too. IF I

show sadness and remorse and fear……… this is what I will feel and get back and

experience in return.

I choose not to do this any more. I choose to find different outlets for my

sadness and then move on. I learned that the more I share in whatever

emotional outlet I choose, the more it will be returned to me, exactly like that.

It feels good to be strong. It makes me feel like I am in control of me.

To be strong, is to feel safe.

To be strong is empowering.

To be strong is contagious.

Try it on sometime, you would be surprised at how easy it is to stay there in

your ‘strong-mode’ and experience the world around you with HIS shoulder

pads protecting you from fear. If you choose to believe in prayer. Tell HIM

and ask HIM and invite HIM into your life. Watch how different everything

suddenly becomes. Ii its almost like watching life through a television

screen and knowing that you can change the channel of fear, regret and

worry any time.

Life then has a beautiful way of working out when we decide to

“get out of our own way”. Not our will, but let HIS Will be done in our life daily.

As I close today, its important that I ask you this:

“Are you willing to see what HE has in store for you, why not be strong and find out?

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“Bridget’s Chaos” Blog #19

IF every day of our lives were peaceful, quiet and uneventful - we would not grow.

When I say “grow”, I mean internally, spiritually and with our whole heart in it.

We grow when we are ready to believe we need HIM to help us now and always.

Try to look at your day and say, what are the things that have upset me today?

In the past, I refused to look at these things - rather I found it easier to escape, to

take a drink. It is almost a year, in another five days it will be a year. A year since

my cherished daughter Bridget died. The ironic twist to this is the fact that if I had

to gamble on any adversity coming into my life - as close as I was to this, I could

not see it or prepare in any way to stop it. Never thinking this of strong-minded Bridget.

I remember vividly, June 15th of last year. Bridget and I had been sporadically

texting to one another back and forth. Because of her habitual lies, I was trapped.

I had to make myself believe that information she was sharing with me was the truth.

Bridget had “put herself” in a hotel room for twelve days before she would be found.

During those days, almost daily she was telling me she had a “doctors appt.” the next

day. This was told to me only to be continually put off until the next day and the the

next. I should share the fact that the chaos at home, those first few days was over the

top. I was suppose to leave for Minnesota with my husband and two teen children.

We were seeing them off to camp and staying up North for the summer. The house

was in disarray and there were many empty suitcases that needed to be packed.

Bridget over the years, had gone off to retreat to a hotel room some times before.

In the big picture, I really wanted to believe it was just that. She was going for a brief

stay to comprehend her decision to leave her ten year marriage. Bridget had

chosen to move to our state eight months before now. My husband and I were

so happy to be near her and their family. We hoped they were finding jobs, settling into

their new home and getting their own two little boys 4 and 7 adjusted to their new area.

This was anything but true. Bridget had horrific internal health issues I had no idea

about. They also had their own marriage problems which I had been removed from.

We now lived thousands of miles away for the past three years. By the time I came to

grips with this horrific situation, Bridget had moved herself out of her home and into our

home for 12 days before leaving for the hotel. Twelve days of intense daily drama.

Horrific health issues. She couldn’t walk, blistered feet, bleeding sores in her mouth

and flat on her back one minute, out the door with the little boys til late at night,

the next minute. Constant chaos.

Twelve days of trying to fix things with the little boys crying and her screaming out!

Twelve days of finally realizing it had come to a head. We confronted Bridget on the

12th day she was with us, and the chaos was climatic. She had been up most of the

night, crying, screaming out, singing and going from one extreme mood swing to the

next. When I crept down the top two steps to the lower level, I heard her talking to

herself in the closed bathroom….. In between cries, she screamed out at herself over

and over, “I’m so F…’ing drugged up!” It was 2am. And now things began to make sense.

Especially keeping that backpack by her side 24/7.

That was all I needed. My husband and I talked about what to do. In the morning, we

told her that she could stay as long as she wanted and we welcomed her and the

children. However, there would be no drinking and no drugs in our home. Bridget

denied all of this. When we were gone to the store later in the morning, unbeknownst

to us, she moved the boys and herself into a hotel room. She texted later; “staying

overnight in a hotel with the boys just to get a little reprieve……”. What did she mean

by this? If only she could have had a glimpse this would be the last 12 days alive.

Bridget needed her own way to self-medicate her problems and chaos and sadness

away. We just had no idea how extreme her behavior had become. We had no idea

she would go into the hotel room and keep the boys there with her for only a couple of

days - then they were back at their house with their Dad. Now this plan allowed Bridget

to get very serious about the way she would handle her chaos and any crisis and

calamity in her own life.

By the time the detective held on to my arm and spoke softly to me, the coroner and

the medics had already transported Bridget out of the hotel room. The detective was

a kindly older man who spoke softly and shared that he sees this stuff every day.

“Watch this,” he said. He instinctively walked over to the big dresser under the television

and opened the drawer. There were eight or nine empty quarts of vodka bottles in a

row. “Now, he said, “look around the room, see those two empty half gallon bottles of

vodka, and the empty bottle of adderol, that’s when she got serious”. There is no food

here anywhere you look, none”. This girl had lost all concept of what she was doing to

herself.”

I still and will always remember the finality of it all. Bridget was gone. She walked into

the hotel room, never knowing she would not come out again. On one of her texts on

the fourth or fifth day - “Mom, its so peaceful here……”.

Now a year later - I am still not ready to say my final goodbye or come to terms with

the enormity of my grief. Still, I believe one thing has changed however. In the midst of

all the crisis, calamity and chaos - I still am able to always hang on to my faith. I have

still found a way to keep HIM internally with me. I have come to the awareness that I

could not truly save another grown human being from themself.

Even on the very last days of her life, I was afraid of her wrath, not thinking she was

dead. Yet, remembering how she told me; “don’t try to find me, or come and get me

or see me, I need time.” Even though I finally found her hotel and picked some flowers

in my backyard to take over to her on that final day -I did not. So, I admit, I was petrified

of her wrath. Its funny what family members can emotionally do to one another.

Bridget had built a wall, not a bridge for the two of us to cross over. So much of her

anger, sadness and dsappointment she had chosen to transfer over on to me.

Sometimes, inside a family unit, we take on a roll that is hard to change. Most times

rather than being a caregiver, I was actually a caretaker. Over and over in life, a

caretaker- not good..

At any rate, I will close today with these comments because I promised I would have

this blog revolve around the loss of my daughter, Bridget. I shared my recent,

revealingly raw story today because I would like to make two things very clear that I

have learned this year from my loss. Going back, revisiting the chaos, I could not have

changed her daily habits. I think about this. I had a daughter with a dangerous,

dysfunctional, daily habit. We all know what our daily habits are ourselves, behind

closed doors. We all know whether or not we build those in our family up, or tear them

down. We also must come to the realization that when people become adults, they

are expected to be responsible for a healthy life style for themselves. My daughter

Bridget was a beautiful soul. She ws creative, talented, funny and above all loved more

than she could ever know. Even amidst all her own chaos and confusion in the last

days of her life, she remembered me with gifts. There was Mothers Day and my

Birthday. Each time she sent a gift and wrote how much she loved me. She left me one

voice mail in those last 12 days she stayed and went to the store. I was home helping

her 7 year old with his schoolwork online. I have played her voicemail over and over,

again, so ironic. “Please tell Johnny to get on line and do his homework!” If only she

could have known that she would be dead within a couple of weeks of that voice

message. Would it have mattered in her world? A world that had shut down so

completely?

I told you that I have learned two things over this past year.

These two things will stay with me forever.

I believe, I could not save Bridget from herself, no matter what. This is my truth.

I also believe that now more than ever, I see how precious life is - I do not want to take

a single day for granted. Every day I also pray to see people thru HIS eyes only.

As I leave you today I ask you this:

“Is there anything you could, or would or should do differently

today knowing your days are numbered?”

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“The Impossible” Blog # 18

Today I find myself looking forward more than looking back. I see now its become

virtually impossible to fix, or repair or alter the past. There will always be things we

can learn from In our past, yet to stay there and feel regret is a sad walk and work in

progress. I myself, have spent countless years going back and forth over things that I

did in the past. I realize that so many of my decisions were based on impulsiveness,

anger and just plain immaturity. It does not matter what age a person is, there will

always be parts of us that tend to refuse to do what we know we must and should.

How often do we put ourselves first before we look at the needs of those around us?

If we are in a family and married with children, it can be hard to navigate the day.

Daily grind, children crying, money owed…. the list goes on. Yet, how and when and why

we make time for ourselves - THEREIN LIES THE ANSWER. When we have children at

home we share the energy in the household all around us. We see that there is a time

and place and reason for everything that happens if we but stop, take a breath, ask for

HIS help and look around.

I remember how my life took so many unnecessary turns. I chose so many alternate

routes all because of the way that I was “SELF MEDICATIING”. I had decided there was

nothing wrong in finding people to surround myself with that had a whole set of

problems ongoing and dysfunctional too. I wanted these people in my life because it

was easier.

Seriously? Did I just say that…I did. I found people to surround myself with that were so

dysfunctional it was easier than dealing with my own issues every day. I sat and talked

on the phone about their problems, anybody’s problems except dealing in a healthy

way with my own. I needed healthier ways to go forward. I know that at times when

we look back at our lives, we think, that if we had known what we were going to go

through - it would have been impossible.

After I was able to buy my grandfathers cabin back and take my own children up

north, I did see another side of life. The quiet, the calm and the majesty of the mighty

oaks that just keep growing year after year. Such peace was there. I laugh now as I

reflect back on the odd personalities of my Aunts around me. The irony of some of

their lives and what they showed or tried to instill in me that was important, yet

reflecting now, such pain they were really hiding.

My two aunts were my favorites. The younger aunt was a dynamo and a very strong

personality. She always talked religion which was so interesting now that I am of her

age range. I looked up to her in so many ways. She was my Mothers sister. So

successful in the restaurant business. She had worked her way up the “hard way”, she

reminded us in that stern voice, daily. Year after year I watched as my mother and

most of my mothers family worked at the restaurant. Even before this restaurant there

was more. All their lives had been enmeshed in this business. Sad to say, most of

them were all alcoholics. I found it so ironic that my Aunt that owned the latest

restaurant, constantly reminded the cousins and family at gatherings up north,

how hard she had worked to make the business what it has become. The ironic part

was she had told us children how she had gone door to door In her community to

bring liquor to that city. How she finally got a liquor license for her business. She went

on and on about the importance of that liquor license. Now they are dead and are all

gone. Even the restaurant that held so many memories for over fifty years, has now

been leveled and replaced by a bank. I suddenly am aware of the this huge irony in

her own life. She worked day after day, walking miles and visiting home after home,

just to get people to vote on giving her a “liquor license”, how ironic.

Her only son who had wanted to be a chiropractor, she convinced otherwise. She

offered him a new Corvette if he would be part of this “thriving three generation

business” and so he did. At his young twenty three year old life, the car was the ticket.

He gave up his own dream of being a chiropractor. On and on they all went drinking

and working, working and drinking. While both he and she struggled with liquor for the

rest of their lives. Eventually, liquor won, and they lost. All they dreamed of was what?

Eventually, it all came falling down. The false facade of life as they saw it. Liquor

brought them down. Be careful what you ask for. I ask daily now. “Not my will Father,

but your will be done”. Remember in my last blog I said, if you really want to make God

laugh, tell him your plans. I think we are given free will for a very specific reason.

We are able to choose. We get to choose every single minute of every day what we

want to think, what we want to do and where we want to go. My son recently told me

something that Einstein said, “Keep doing the same thing and the same thing will

happen”. What are you doing day after day? What did it take to really bring about a

positive, grateful, happy change in my life? It took me accepting HIM into my life 24/7.

I realize living my life is impossible without HIM. There is no possible way we can

navigate our own path each day on our own. So every single morning before I get out

of bed, I lay there and give thanks. I am thankful for every person, every lesson, every

situation that has been given me, to help me grow in a strong, positive healthy way.

There is no other way. So with that in mind I needed a plan. I put something out there,

way out there, a positive plan for my life. However, there will always be that one thing

that happens to you and I that we have no control over. The unexpected. It is

impossible to know how to deal with the unexpected. However, you and I know now, we

can carefully plan through this with the right tools. I know this because I have been

there. I have been to a place of such darkness - it was impossible to see. There

appeared to be no way out. It was impossible to imagine my life going forward. It was

impossible to be anything but stuck. So here’s my take on that right now, put your

hands together, sit quietly and say, “thank you for helping me Lord.” Watch the peace

that comes over you and expect a miracle in return.

As I close today I want to ask you this, “Can you today, do something postiviely

different for yourself? Only you know if you can.

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”Here & Now” Blog #17

There are times when we wish we could just check out. Times when we feel

that there is no way we can go forward with what we are carrying. There are

times we feel ready to give up. How many of us have been there? All of us

can say yes. I believe that each and every person is here today because of

the sum of their experiences in their life. We become stronger, better and

more loving because of where we have come from. The past is in the past.

The future is not yet. We only have the here and now.

I remember a time when I told myself that my life was headed in the right

direction, I just needed to sell one more house to get one more thing that

I needed at the time. I remember how important I felt my cherished children

were to me. I remember believing that the way I looked at life was perfect.

There is a funny saying: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

So often we want to put the cart before the horse, so to speak, and just

have it our way. The universe is directed by HIM. The unseen force of it all.

We are only alive and here and in the now because of all the lessons we

need to learn for our own separate growth.

I understand pain now. I understand loss now. I understand sadness now.

However, it is only through these overwhelming emotions, that we reach

out and want to learn about our “higher self”. We reach out and want to

know “why” things happened the way that they did. We try to know HIM,

usually in a selfish way, more often than not as a 911 or an SOS.. One day

when I was in a hurry to sell a house, my children were at school and I was

completely lost inside. I felt empty. I was trying to recover from what had

happened to my Mother and trying to find a way to just accept this. I had

stopped at home for a brief moment because my head was hurting and I

was going to rest. While laying down on my bed I heard a beautiful voice

speak to me. I will never forget this. “Your mother had her own path, she

had her own free will and there were lessons that only she could learn from.”

I tried to understand this. Yet, part of me was still so bitter. Whenever I

would start to think about the past sadness, I just worked harder in my

real estate to try to forget. Yet, as I said before, I did not have the tools

and it was only when I put my hands together and asked for HIS help.

Miracles began to happen in my life.

I went downtown with a ticket my neighbor had given me to listen to Depak

Chopra. I was leaving in the middle of him talking because I got nothing out

of it. When I was in the lobby ready to leave, a complete stranger touched

my shoulder. I had never seen him and he did not know me. He had the

kindest eyes. He spoke”. “I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am,” he

said. I thought how could he know what pain I am going through? I turned to

walk away. then he spoke again. “You know, I lost my wife and four daughters

in a house fire. I am so thankful they chose to give up their lives so I could

learn the lessons I needed to learn.” With that, he patted my shoulder and

disappeared into the crowd! With hundreds of people there, how in the world

did he just appear there before me?

What had he just said? Oh my God, was he serious…. I was so overcome with

emotion. His story struck me. I ran out to my car thinking I needed to finish

the wine I had left on the floor and think about what he just said. However, I

got to my car and burst out crying. I threw the cup of wine away, never to

want to drink again.

What IF what he said was true? What if each and every one of us has free will,

coupled with the lessons we are each given to learn from?

For the first time in my life, the bitterness was fading fast.

For the first time in my life, things really did make sense.

For the very first time in my life since experiencing such pain, I felt a sense of

relief. I drove home that night at peace. I did not need to quiet my mind with

anything outside of prayer. I went to bed and for the first time I trusted in HIM.

I can see now that I am here and alive in the here and now to do exactly

what I came here to do. I need to learn my own lessons. I can only share

with you today, like every day, we are each given our own lessons to learn

from. We can accept this, or push them away. Yet, I guarantee you there are

always going to be lessons to learn from. Our family becomes our greatest

teacher. As I leave you today, I ask you this, “Can you accept your lessons

you have been given and turn to HIM in prayer?”

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“All I Have” Blog #16

Here I am today. I have so many choices in front of me. I have so many places in my

mind I can go to. I have so many tools, good tools now to choose from. I have

managed to take myself to a place of peace internally with HIS light.

It didn’t always look like this.

As I look back at the younger me, I was scared. My life behind me was filled with so

much sadness. So many ups and downs. Always in a hurry and always a packed day.

There was very little quiet time. For a momenI I look back only to reflect. I can say that

I was most definately living in darkness. I was set on doing things my way and there

was no room for higher self thinking. The people that were surrounding me were

pulling at me from every corner. I found my own internal way to escape, yet I was

sinking fast. I really did believe that I was trying to be a good mother. I really did

believe that even though I was a shopaholic, a workaholic and an alcoholic by night,

I was giving my all to my children. What I did not know, was how much they learn

from watching me and the way I lived my life every single day. They learned even

more by what I kept repeating.. They saw a mother that worked and sold homes

almost all the time. They saw a mother that bought them anything possible to earn

their love, they saw a mother that “put on a great smile” and kept too much to herself.

When did I ever talk about HIM? The wonderful man who has set the example for all

of us to live by every single day. People learn how to cope from tragic events in their

life however they can. People quickly see that regardless of extreme sadness, or

tragedy or depression you go through - others too, have their own set of sad stories.

So, we learn to cope, to get by and to make it to the next day, however we can.

Evenually, I saw that alcohol was not the answer. At this point, I got sober. Eventually

I saw that work, work, work was not the answer, or I would burn out. This is where I

searched and found my own spirituality, and more than anything else, the

light deep within. As I look back at the younger me, once I found HIM, I needed

balance more than anything. I sat down one day and I must admit I was beyond

bitter. Why me, I said? If only I had something peaceful to go to.,..

For as long as I can remember, I had sold real estate. I loved selling houses.

But I would love a place to escape to. Did it even exist, could I ever find it?

As I said earlier, I was truly a workaholic. I never knew when to stop and I had

very little balance in my life. I felt guilty about this and decided to take my

children up North, for a nice holiday to wonderful summer resort. On the way up North

I told them that I was going to stop and show them my favorite place out of my

past. My Grandpas summer log home. There were so many memories made

when I was younger there and especially escaping from my own families dark

drama. It was late afternoon when we pulled into the driveway and there it was.

A wonderful old log home, out of place in time. Nothing had changed, it was

just like on Golden Pond. There was one lone car in the driveway and I said to

the kids: “lets go see if the people that own it now, will give us a tour”

The lady came out and was so gracious. Her husband had suffered a heart

attack and they were getting ready to sell it. She told me it would be wonderful

if I would want to buy it especially when it held so many memories for me as a child.

I laughed a bit and told her it was out of the question. I could never pay what

they wanted, although it seemed like such a fair price. As we left, she made an

offer that stuck in my mind. “If you can just come up with thirty thousand

dollars, we will carry the rest for awhile until you can refinance”. That alone

was unbelievable. However, where in the world was thirty thousand dollars?

I barely sold enough homes to keep the bills paid and the children in school.

Ironically, as much as I had going, I couldn’t get the cabin out of my mind.

The woman had said it was the perfect place for my eight and ten year old.

This was the most idyllic place in the world, but how could I ever do it?

That following week, the children kept pressing me to buy this cabin.

I still remember how it started.. My little girl said I should have a big house

sale and we could buy the cabin from the money we made. I laughed, thinking not

that kind of money. But things were about to change very quickly. The next day I was

in my lower level and found some old red suitcases filled with dolls. I was saving

these for my little girl. I’d forgotten I had them and brought them upstairs to be

appraised the next day. After a woman came to the house and looked through

all of them, she pleaded with me to have a sale with anything else I may have, as

soon as possible. I also found many other old, antique items that we sold as well.

I remember the day of the sale, people were in line around the block… I could make

this story very long, but the short version is that by the end of the two day sale, I had

over thirty thousand dollars!

My goal was reached, I was able to buy my wonderful old log home back.

When I went in there the first day after the closing, the same wonderful old cowboy

dishes were in the cupboard from the years back when I was little. The younger me

remembers dinners out on the porch with my cousins, aunts and grandpa. You might

call this a coincidence. I do not.

HE knew what I needed much more than I ever could.

The summer lake home that had been my refuge as a child, was now back in my family,

for my children. Now we were catching turtles, swimming off the dock and roasting

marshmellows by the fire at night, it was all back. Now I had a peaceful refuge of my

own. Now I had so much more to share with my children and I am so thankful for those

memories. Before my faith was solidified, I would wonder “why” things would happen

the way that they did? I would worry day after day how and why and when something

would work out. Now when I pray every morning I thank HIM for giving me what I am

suppose to have each day. I am thankful for every situation I am given so that I may

grow from it. I realize and I accept and I see that much has been taken from me, but so

much has been given in return. I see myself as becoming stronger. Yes, my life has

been filled with love and with loss.

Yet I believe that “All I have” is my faith, for this is Who I am.

Who I am is a miraculous, loved, child of God.

I ask you quietly and confidently if you can commit to this statement too.

Can you open your heart and believe in a miracle for your life today?

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“A Way Forward” Blog #15

Everything in Life has a purpose. Every part of the day has lessons to learn from.

Every person has a choice which way they choose to go.

People everywhere are filled with anticipation, anger and hope. Each moment

depends on each persons thoughts. There is a light behind every dark shadow.

Every person on earth has a right to a healthy life. Every person can choose

how they want to think and, coupled with this, they have a responsibility to live

from their higher self. Your highest self is the way;. Yet, the paradox is “free will”.

A higher Self conscience decision is the start of the Way Forward.

I remember when I was afraid a lot. I remember when I had a false line of thinking

I remember this enabled me to believe that “wine every day was my relaxer”.

There were days when I justified more wine then.others, yet I never believed in

a different higher way of thinking.

I shared in previous Blogs that miracles have indeed happened to me.

A specific miracle stands out right now. I was filled with sadess and loss.

Devestated over the death of my mother, I would relive how she had died. I was

“my own medic” and I believed that daily doses of wine were the great

“fixer” I was starting to see that my anxiety levels were increasing, but I

just ignored this. I knew what was best for my life, didn’t I?

Then came a night, a few months after my mother had died, where I awoke out

of a sound sleep. I saw my mother standing at the end of my bed. I was so startled,

yet at the same time completely at peace. My mother looked exactly as I remembered

her coming in from her garden work daily. However, now she appeared to be even

younger looking and more beautiful. She was at the end of my bed as if in

a moving picture. She was smiling and began to talk to me, “hi honey,

I wanted you to know that Irene met me when I got here. I don’t want you

to be worried anymore. I can’t stay any longer though because I’m very busy”.

Irene was her favorite sister who had died years earlier. With her last words

to me, she vanished. I couldn’t believe her last words. What had she said to me?

“…..I’m very busy"“. Where in the world did that word come from? It was if my guardian

angel was waiting for me to silently ask that question because internally I was hearing

“very busy with soul work, that is her responsibility now”.

I had a million questions, yet I was overcome with a feeling of peace.

I knew instantly that my mother was in a beautiful, healing, safe place.

I also felt that my time to see things differently was now.

It was time for me to stop getting in my own way with my own thoughts

of how I could “soothe and heal myself”. Now was the time to seek the Way Forward.

IF a person is open to spiritual help, the heavens open up and show the way forward.

However, it is imperative for me to relate a most important law of the

universe. “Every person has free will”. Again, I say, Every person has free will. HE who has

created us in his image, tells us “Our bodies are the temple of God”

Yet, we get to choose. We get to decide. We get to pick each day the way we go.

I have talked about the need for direction in other Blogs as well. I have shared

with you that it is important to have a “road map” when taking a trip.

Do we choose to find a healthy, positive, guidance system each day?

Do we really think that our life just happens without some thought, or attitude

or deliberate decision in choosing the way each day we want to go?

A healthy way forward is filled with prayer. A healthy way forward is filled with

positive, healing, and internal inspired intent.

Not one single word from our mouths should tell a lie to ourself.

Deceptive lying must go. I believe in baby steps. I believe that every person has a

right to go where they are suppose to be. IF you are reading this now, you can find

a new “way forward”. This decision lies inside of you. You can change now.

With the world filled full of noise, it is hard to discern truth. There is media all

around us. There is the computer, the cell phone, the television. Every part

of our day is filled up. Many people try to keep from thinking and feeling lonliness.

People turn television on and keep it on throughout the night! People drive

in their cars and turn up the radio. Where is complete peace or silence, in anyones

life Now? How can you hear your own “inner voice”?

You might be thinking right now, “Hear what?”

HIS voice is always trying to speak to you. HE is trying to connect to your HIGHER SELF.

Are you ready and open to want to listen?

If someone called me or you on the telephone and suddenly the television was

turned up loud and the radio in the car was filled with music, do you still hear

the inner voice of calm? Can you still focus on HIS truth?

Are you even interested?

Tonight when you go to bed, try this: “The light of God surrounds me,

The love of God enfolds me, The power of God protects me, and the

presence of God watches over me - wherever I am, God is and all is well”.

This is called “The Protection Prayer” . I say this throughout my day and

to help me get out of my own way and stay on The Way Forward.

In the morning, start of day, you may ask, “show me the way Forward today Lord”.

Then trust and believe every second of your day is for YOU to take advantage of,

We can change in a breath if we but choose to do so!

Sometimes, just when you feel you may want to do this, all kinds of setbacks

start to occur. You feel defeated. You feel isolated. You feel alone and worthless.

Trust me my friend, this is darkness in his finest hour. PUSH those thoughts away.

Get a hold of yourself for there is no one like you! You were made in HIS image.

You are a wonderful, powerful, dynamic creation. YOU are a unique talent that no

one else can replicate but YOU! Do something healing for yourself today.

Promise yourself you will do this and watch changes start to happen.

I have always been a firm believer in the words “I AM…… “ I am aligned with love”

I am attitude of truth, I am awesome!: Say these truth-filled affirmations

throughout your day. Start with the letter “A”. Do as many A’s as possible

and then go on to B’s. These are powerful, miraculous, healing mantras

of internal inspiration. See how many you can do throughout the day.

As I leave you today, I send you a powerful message. HIS light of protection

and energy and love, is yours for the asking.. Now I ask you this question:

“Can you stop negative thinking and find a new Way Forward today?

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“Difficult in denial” Blog #14

Why is it always easiest to keep doing what is familiar? We do not know anything else.

I believe that we fall into patterns of what is most comfortable. It is truly

difficult to do something out of the norm. Finding time to change an old

pattern of belief. Finding time to apologize to someone that hurt us in our

family. Finding time to tell ourself: “today is the day I find a new spiritual,

positive, growth plan. How are we denying HE exists?

Do you remember when new ideas were fresh, exciting and fun? Do you

remember when you were open to the universe for HIS light that is always there

to guide you? Do you remember if and when you took a turn that was purely

secular in dimension? Do you deny that HIS love is truly waiting for YOU?

Where am I even going with this?

One day, quite a few years back, I was meeting with my spiritual advisor who I felt had

finally been helping to a great degree. What he did not know was that I was telling him

I was prayerful and I was telling him I believed in Gods LIGHT. However, I deliberately

was keeping HIS light at bay. I was having my own inner dialogue with my own higher

self and depending on my bargaining tools, I was waiting…. waiting to see what would

happen. I rationalized, IF something happened miraculously, I might believe when HE

was ready to show me differently - I would perhaps be willing to meditate, but

definitely not consider prayer. IF I saw certain things happen in my life, I might want to

look at HIS truths. Maybe I would bring the Lord into my life, later, it all depends, I

thought.

Trust me, there is NO conditional relationship with the Lord.

This is not the way life goes.

Just when YOU think you have your life together, watch out! Everything worth doing in

life, brings difficulty along with it. It’s difficult just believing. It’s difficult having faith in

the unknown. Yet, it is essential. If you stay stuck in your own reality and your own

‘truths”, you can’t help but believe in the LIE.

There is only HIS LIGHT to transform all the darkness.

I remember my spiritual advisor asking me how I planned to guide my

two children who were six and three at the time. I knew before I realized

it, they would be teenagers and growing fast. He asked me this question,

“When your children are faced with secular, provoking peer pressure,

challenging them in their substance intake, sexual behavior and respect

for family, what tools will you have given them”?

“When they see their classmates abuse substances, question their own sexuality,

and show tendencies toward suicide - what tools will you have given them to stay

strong in their own skin”? When their world appears to be caving in around

them, how will you have helped encourage them away from dark forces and

strong in their spiritual self confidence to not stray, but follow our Lord?

I jüst sat there. It was very hard to find any answer. I was wrapped up in myself.

I wondered if he was just too extreme and what was he even talking about?

My real estate profession was everything to me. I felt I was a good mother

yet, as my children grew, when had I ever approached them with stories of

the “Man” they needed to know? How could they have an actual example

of how one person had to face dark challenges without the example of what

HE had truly gone thru? Where would their spiritual courage come from?

Here’s a thought, “our bodies are the temple of God”. True statement.

Yet, I don’t ever remember if I ever talked to my children about this.

All the ways we prepare and plan and set out to live our life,

this can all change in a breath.

I am an exact example of this.

My husband and I had wonderful jobs, we had a big, beautiful home in a lovely

area. We had a boy and a girl. We had our good health. We had happiness,

or so we thought. We had the best life could offer, but did we?

My husband came from a family that was non-religious and I looked at my

own belief system with a 911 or SOS approach to Christianity, it was only when

my own life fell apart, this got my attention.

I had become far too materialistic. Looking back, I see how I could have done

“difficult decisions differently.”

When my own life changed in a breath, everything came tumbling down around me.

I had no spiritual tools. I had no special relationship with HIM.

I was in the frigid ice house with no tools to dig out.

It doesn’t have to be like this. I can testify now with the second tragedy in my life.

As horrific as it was and still is, I am now insulated in the light of HIS truth.

I can close my eyes and see the brightest white light, instantly comfort me.

It is one thing to meditate to learn to become calm. It is quite another realm

to be in and to feel the insulation and the support and the unconditional love from my

Devine Protector. Meditation and Prayer are completely separate. Mediation

may bring you temporary peace, yet prayer brings you into a Devine presence

constantly. You feel safe, you feel secure and you have hope.

When our life feels pushed to the limit - its time to do something different.

As I sat speaking with my spiritual advisor this one day, he asked me to

look at the pencil he was holding. “It’s just like a boat on the water” he said,

The boat has two parts - the front and the back. The pencil has the tip and

the eraser, two ends. If you raise it up, the other end goes down. If you raise

the boat up, the back end sinks down. Then he brought two more pencils

and laid all three on the table. The three pencils took on the shape of a triangle.

“This triangle does not change no matter how you turn it” he said.

Up, down, over and over. it stays the same. The triangle is the strongest force in

the universe. Husband and Wife with God at the top. Nothing can penetrate it.

“Look at the two points of a pencil - one point represents the husband and the

other end represents the wife. This is not very sturdy in a storm. However if you

take the triangle and make each point represent something. One point is the

husband, another point is the wife and the top of the triangle paint is HIS

LIGHT. This point is the Lord. The triangle never changes shape. We are always

protected,. No matter how different or difficult the situation we have to endure.

We have a safe, secure, spiritual white light surrounding us at all times.

When my life changed and fell apart, my husband and I had no tools.

Our marriage fell apart. Our Children had no “safe port” living with both of us.

Our world took on difficult, dark demensions and we brought the children in with us.

You and I are meant to be restored, not crippled by what happens to us.

I can truthfully say, I am so much healthier with all of this knowledge.

If you are open, I will weekly do all I can to help you see that you have a right,

just like I do, to make your own destiny dynamic. HIS light is waiting for you.

I think a lot about the people in my own life that have chosen addiction, and

chemicals and alcohol to hide behind. I believe that everything that feels

broken internally, can be healed in a breath. Reach out, do it differently.

Today is the day we each have before us to make this difficult decision become reality.

We need to do something different and not be in denial. We can decide to discern

the truth. We can decide to tune out the secular world and bring in the the spiritual

world. We can decide to help those around us with real spiritual tools of healing.

The second you honestly decide to do the difficult, angels sweep in, HE sends out

spiritual armies for you, and causes the light to lift from the darkness all around you.

The blinders come off. You and I can see the truth. I invite you today to believe these

statements and I ask you this question:

“Can you let go of your own secular (non-spiritual) beliefs, put your hands together

and ask for HIS help?” Just watch and see what happens.

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“Facing Forward” Blog #13

Families are filled with many family secrets that refuse to just disappear.

As we all look back in our lives, what kind of family did we come from?

Did we experience situations that we have hidden away? Did we judge family

members because of the things they did to us? Do we continue to hold any

resentments or grudges? Life goes on each day and forgetting about our past

is what we become very good at. However, throughout our lives, it is the sad, bad

and dark part of our past that we conveniently keep at bay.

I would like to clarify what I mean by this.

Everything that happens to each of us, brings a lesson along to be learned from it.

When we get to a point in our lives where we feel we have learned the lessons from

past experiences, its time to move on to the next lesson. It is only then, with a

peaceful feeling, that we can leave the magnetic, painful memory behind.

Feeling safe to throw away the old hurtful garbage gives us clarity that we have

learned how to forgive this situation and not go over it again and again.

However, as you read this you might be saying, “I don’t have anything like that

in my past, and I have moved on from my painful past years ago”.

How can you know this to be true?

You have only to bring up the thought, “If any piece of this thinking is difficult to see

you have not healed.” More than anything else there still lies dormant within you,

a struggle in letting go of something painful that has most likely NOT been dealt

with truthfully. Two critical issues remain here, truth and forgiveness.

We go through one day at a time filling hours with important tasks.

We pacify the present, keeping our minds filled with thicker things that appear

to be necessary to the now we live in.

Internally we have found creative ways to break away from bad moments of

our own family past. Facing our family past in complete truth is tough.

I challenge you to ask yourself right now if your own biological family laughed

a lot. Did you grow up in a family that had lots of fun?

Did you laugh often at home as you grew older? I certainly did not.

Therein lies the rub. So many choices we have made depended on how we

ineracted in our own biological family. As I look back, I was sad so much of the time.

I cried and I worried about so many things. Then I grew up and I moved on.

I left my own family and I went out into the world. I see now the type of people that

I was drawn too. I went out and I looked for people to bring into my world that I could

fix. Internally I needed to fix people. I was drawn to other peoples problems.

Without realizing it, I was addicted to dysfunction. This daily drama was

exciting to me. Healthy, normal people were boring.

I open my eyes now and I see that these were the only tools I had at the time.

Inside me, the anger and resentment and foolish pride covered all the sad

situations that had happened and I closed the door to my own healing.

This was the movie reel that I chose to spin day in and day out. However, as the

old saying goes; “you can’t fix other people, but you can fix yourself”.

So now fast forward I look at my own life and I have a healthier perspective.

I understand that forgivensss is a tool to healing the painful, permanent past.

Family members who have hurt me need to be completely forgiven.

There are no exceptions. My life must have 100% total forgiveness in it for

me to be able to close doors and move forward.

More than anything I have ever done, I needed to put forgiveness at the top.

Why do you think I would stress forgiveness and put it at the top? This is because

forgiveness is the “Key” to healing, letting go and feeling at peace.

Close your eyes in a bit, imagine you are suddenly in a heavy fog. You are

bogged down, you are weighted down sinking in quicksand. You are wearing

a heavy coat, winter hat and gloves with heavy boots on your feet. The layers

of clothing underneath are suddenly soaked with wet sand and you are sinking

slowly. This heavy wet sand is near your neck and you are overwhelmed.

You can’t think. Everything is too much.

Then instantly an invisible force pulls you out of the quicksand.

You are being held tightly and you feel safe.

Your fragile flesh and blood body get to start all over.

This IS the power of HIS Forgiveness for you and I.

Your reality is who you are to your family and those around you..

Maybe your family now is just YOU and HIS light.

IF you care enough to start new today - you will be filled with all you need.

You will feel the unconditional love of complete forgiveness for yourself.

For you too, are completely forgiven.

There once lived the most amazing man. Never has there lived a man quite

like him again. He was unique in his compassion and love and forgiveness.

He was on earth to do anything and everything he could to help mankind

understand truth, love and forgiveness.

Yet, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, and no matter what

he said, they did not want to listen.

Instead they made up lies about this man. His goodness intimidated them.

Beating him badly, they stabbed and stoned him. Finally before he died, he spoke:

“Father forgive them for they know not what they do”.

As I leave you today I ask you a simple question,

“Can you let go and forgive people in your biological family?’

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“What If?” Blog #12

I know for a fact that truth is in everything. Every part of life reflects the truth in some

way. However, it is up to each person to find truth in his or her own way. Therein lies

the rub. Understanding what we are suppose to do with our lives each and every day

becomes too much for so many.

We often hide behind a veil of things that appear to make life “easier”.

There is a simple statement that I believe makes life easier to grasp.

Each of us are given our own lessons to learn from.

However, I did not know this for so many years.

Until I found this to be true for myself, my life was filled with darkness and difficulty.

Years ago, if you stopped me on a street corner, I would have been astonished and said

“what are you talking about?” I had money. I had a very successful career in real

estate, a big house, my own family with little children and who could want more?

Yet, life is full of twists and turns. I had no idea so many sad things that had happened

to me were not dealt with in an honest, truth-filled, open way. If I took one single

situation and brought it to light right now, I would say, “What if? What if I didn’t get

mad at my father who was a raging alcoholic and got cancer and died at the ripe old

age of fifty two? What if I hadn’t made up my mind thet last Christmas I saw him, to

swear I would never come home again while he was alive? He did die. I didn’t come

home. I only came home to his funeral.

Now years later, of course there are so many, “What if’s”. Understandably, we mature

over the years and hopefully learn from our experiences. However, its the dark,

dangerous details that don’t get worked on. They come back to visit us when we least

expect them. I was twenty two that last winter I saw my father. I was so wrapped up in

my own world, that when I did fly home for the Christmas holidays, my father was really

the last thing on my mind.

However, the anger, the rage, the broken heart I had from the way that he had

parented me…….where was all of that?

“What if” I had gotten in touch with my real sadness and my own anger and rage?

What if I had tried to learn about my self better and why I was making the choices

that I did, could I have prevented some of the sad relationships that came my way?

Could I have stopped my own drinking sooner? Would I have learned forgiveness

much quicker?

Life has a beautiful way of showing us when we are on the right course.

We feel peaceful. We sense goodness. We know we make good choices.

So getting back to my promise about writing a blog and keeping it simple.

The simplest way of getting my point across today is to share these two words

again and make them a sentence.

“What if you choose to see something in your life from your heart and not your head?

What I mean by this, is this. I have been very upset with a certain person in my life that

I seldom hear from. You might say, what’s the big deal about that? Well, its a big deal

because he means a lot to me. He is a family member. He is very close to my heart.

Yet, at the same time, his life is packed. He is busy from sunup to sundown and then

falls into bed. I would do anything to be closer to him. Yet, this is not possible

at least not right now. So, I got angry, without him knowing it. I let my pride

take over and even when he did call - I was busy. I stayed away. I didn’t answer.

“What if, I just let I go? What if I did like Jesus did and said, “Father, forgive them, for they

know not what they do”? What if today I tried to look at every situation in my life and all

the people in my life, from a different perspective, non-judgmental.

I am beginning to feel the weight lift and more of a lightness of being. I also

think by not judging any one else, this can allow me to “lighten up” and let go.

What if I just look at all the goodness in the people around me and refuse to

judge them. This does become hard to do, yet it is possible.

What if today you found one person in your family that you refuse to let

darkness or their addictions or their anger affect your growth?

What if today you prayed for them and let it go.

What if you came to the understanding that it is not possible to fix other people.

However, it is possible to fix yourself. It is possible to forgive yourself. It is possible

to love yourself and accept yourself just as your are. I believe we are all given the

tools we need for every part of our life. There are teachers all around us. Family

members are also our teachers. We are here to learn such valuable lessons.

What if you decide today this might be your truth too?

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''Left Alone” Blog #11

Today is easier than yesterday. Yet, you may be reading this and think “today is

so much harder than yesterday”. Life is so much like this. One never knows what

we are going to be dealing with from one day to the next.

There was a period in my life when I felt that no matter where I looked, no matter

what I did, no matter where I went…..Life was just too hard. I asked myself over and

over, “why do I have to be given all this to deal with?”

Why am I so unhappy?

After my Mother was killed, I had to wait two agonizing long years for the trial to take

place and find that the person who had done this was now found “not guilty by reason

of insanity”. This was so difficult for me to deal with. I went to one counselor after the

other. I read so many books and attended one “Grief Seminar” after the next.

Nothing seemed to take hold. One day a good friend told me about this wonderful

man that she was sure I would connect with. I agreed to take the chance and made

an appointment. He told me something that immediately clicked. He said “take all the

things that you are worried about now, all the things that you feel bad about and “leave

them alone”. He told me to visualize this room far away on an island. He said there was

one door to this building with only one room in it. He said close your eyes, take yourself

to this building and open the door. Now take all the things that you are most worried

about, fearful of and afraid of and take them there and leave them there.

Now close the door so they are “Left alone”. If you have learned your lessons from things

in the past, they are only weighing you down now. They must be discarded.

Later on as the years went by, I learned to visualize this more and more. I was able to

do this because I thought about how you can turn on and off a television.

Why shouldn’t I be able to turn off “episodes that were frightening in my life?”

I am saying that you should not push things out of your life that are not choosing to

deal with, however I am saying that when you are given lessons and situations in your

life that you know you have done everything you can to learn from, then it is time

to let it go and make sure it is “Left alone”.

There is much to be said about all of our different lessons. They are so personal

and emotional and often heart-breaking. However, every lesson we are given

is given to us for the purpose of growth. We need to grow spiritually. We need to ask

ourselves, “what did I learn from this situation”? We do not want to ever stay stuck.

Knowing that today is a brand new chance at life is wonderful. Looking at the glass

half-full is far more important than seeing it half-empty. There is so much to learn.

I know that I feel much better about life with that awareness now. I have come to

a place where I refuse to give up or give in. I want to grow and learn my lessons in a

positive way. I am making sure that things I don’t need in my life to weigh me down

anymore - are “left alone”. As I leave you today on this Easter Weekend, are there things

in your life better left alone?

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''Fixing Family Fear" Blog #10

How often do we all rationalize, “this person really needs me!” “I have to fix it all to make

things better!” “I’m afraid for our family if I don’t fix things!”’

I have spent much of my life, year after year, trying to fix things in my family. In my

mind, I kept rationalizing, I let my emotions rule and I avoided the truth. Seeing life now, I

have a much bigger job. I must take good care of myself first. I need to find a healthy

way, every day, to take care of me. I have found and I use different tools now to

balance out my life. I step back and try not to fix everything around me. Every day I

pray to my Lord to see others from a higher perspective. “Not my will, but thy will be

done in every part of my life today.” Emotions cannot rule me. Only truth can show

the way each day.

So how do we start? We make a deliberate attempt to train ourselves to learn

our lessons from past experiences. Did we react to a situation and give in to our

pride? Does our fear dictate how we go about fixing things? Or, do we ask to be

surrounded in light before we approach any situation?

When life gets crazy and we are trying to control others and fix things, we do not allow

HIS light in. We push away the healing light that protects. We stay saturated in

darkness and we are all alone. There is a simple fix. Put your hands together and say,

“I thank you for showing me the way today”. Herein lies Faith. Here is my Faith. This can

be your Faith. HE is waiting, waiting patiently for each of us. HE waits for you now.

When my daughter Bridget was 16 years old, she had recently gotten her drivers license.

She told us that she was staying with a friend nearby for the weekend. We trusted her

with a family car that had now became hers to use. At the end of the weekend she

came home late Sunday morning. Going into detail, she shared movies she watched

and told us she had a great time at her best friends home a few miles away. I ran to

the grocery store and bumped into her older brothers friend. Bridget had actually been

two hundred miles away, partying on a college campus. When she was confronted,

she knew she had been caught in a lie. We told her she had lost her driving privileges

for one week. However, while I was at my Open House for real estate, Bridget moved

out! She moved in with a family member who in turn greatly manipulated the

situation and leased her a car. Bridget stayed away for most of her junior year In high

school. She knew this was wrong. We all knew this was wrong of her to do. Yet, I was

petrified I would lose my cherished daughter. I wanted to fix our family I refused to look

at the real truth. However, I did spend the ensuing months trying to “fix things between

us”. I sent letter after letter. I wrote postcards. I baited her with clothes, gifts and the

chance to take college trips all over the country.

Finally it all worked. Bridget came home near the end of her junior year. She and I

never talked about what happened. We did not discuss truth. I closed my eyes to the

truth, I just wanted a relationship with my daughter no matter what. I enabled my

daughter in an unhealthy way. I only tried to fix a fearful family situation. Once the truth

is compromised, it becomes easier and easier to see things through a fog of distorted

reality. People start to hide behind alcohol and drugs, something Bridget did herself.

Others find an added crutch with abusive relationships, Bridget chose to do this as well.

These choices make life so much harder. Rationalizing again, how to fix family

members. Family situations carry a delicate balance of prayer, faith and letting go. All

three must come together with trust. We cannot allow a family members anger, bad

choices, and rebellion to control us. We get so uptight with others choices that they

sabotage our lives. In my family I had to learn to accept the following words, “you

cannot save someone from themself.” I needed to accept and believe this as truth. I

could not fix my family. However, I could heal and fix and accept myself. Yes, I had

horrific losses in my family. The tragic loss of my mother and the senseless death of my

daughter recently. This latest loss could have had paralyzing effects on me. Yet, this

time I had spiritual tools. I know HE supports me and I feel my guardian angel right

beside me. I feel protected. and loved and safe. I focus constantly on my Faith. These

are my lessons to learn from.

Today as I close I ask, “Can you look beyond fear and learn lessons from your family?

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“Face of Fear” Blog #9

Every person has something in common with someone else. We all have fear.

We all must face our fears, one day at a time. Fear can be overpowering, devastating

and pointedly paralyzing. It brings in self doubt, despair, and depression.

It’s the fear that leads to our addictions.

How do we dig out from our fear?

How do we learn from our fear?

Most importantly - How can we face our fears head on?

Can we understand and accept the concept that “Fear is a great teacher”?

Fear brings on opportunities to develop attributes we are not always aware we have.

Facing our fear head on can give a person such tremendous courage.

This is the kind of courage we do not realize we even have.

I believe that we are here for two main purposes -

We are here to learn our own individual lessons. We are here to help other people.

Therefore, you too, can try to see that fear is a great teacher.

In my own life I have had horrific fear. For many years I hid behind being a

“workaholic by day” and an “alcoholic” by night. I chose the wrong relationships.

Anything and everything I did was based on running away from my sad problems.

Oftentimes, until we are ready to face our fear head-on, we hide and we wait.

We just keep waiting.

Its astounding that which we choose NOT to see.

Yet, this is truly a crisis moment! We must come to our own understanding that

we cannot do it alone. When we are weak, falling down, torn apart weak,

it is only then that we realize what we must.

We must let it all go. We have to let go.

When we let go, only HE can pick us up and HIS great love catches us.

I have experienced the loneliness people cannot fix. This is an inner lonliness

that aches and hurts and eats away with constant fear, and the fear grows daily.

I finally got tired of doing the same things, filled with fear and finding the same

outcome. So I started to search deeper, open up more and listen intently.

I came to the realization and understanding that “nothing can harm me if I do not

allow it to”. I accepted my inner knowing of my “Higher self” that I am completely

protected. My guardian angel is always here with me. I live in the Light of my Lord

and this is what truly saves me. These are such personal awarenesses.

Yet, I choose to share them with you. Everyone has a guardian angel. You only

have to ask internally, the name will come to you.

I hope as I leave you with these words today, you too will choose to be rescued.

You too, will choose to open up, search and find this same perfect, protective, peace.

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“Right decisions” Blog #8

You couldn’t possibly take a road trip and not have the directions. When you’re

going to pick up a friend, you drive through the city and need to know where you

are going. When you go to the grocery store, you usually have a grocery list to

know what needs to be bought. Yet, every day we often make impulsive, quick,

emotional decisions, without any thought to the consequences. So often, we allow

this person or that person to give us “sound advise” or a specific book or television

show to rule our thoughts. So often we say to ourselves, “its okay, I can think about

it later. If I just do this now, it will make things all better. If I just wait it out, that person

will see how mad I really am at them!” Often in my life, many decisions have been

based on an emotional appeal from someone near me. I believe I have made

decisions to try to help someone in the moment just to fix things.

What is our ulterior motive based on emotional decisions?

So many decisions we make are and can be enabling. They can be manipulative.

Above all, causing a ripple affect and not always helpful. I have now learned so

many lessons in my life how “not to try to fix things for other people”. Just when

you think it will go your way, it does not. However, prayer, contemplation and quiet

meditation is a very good choice. I sit quiet for a few moments. I breathe in

deeply for much added peace. All of this helps me to filter, find and focus on inner

truths. When I was a little girl, I asked my very old grandma a question,

“How do I know if I am doing the right thing’?

This wise, gentle woman smiled sweetly down at me and patted my hand.

She looked at me with kind, knowing eyes saying,

“Its not always easy, but when you feel very calm and not worried or anxious, or

afraid of the outcome, then that’s probably the right decision to make”.

Its all pretty basic and simple, and it makes sense. We have so many decisions

to make throughout each day. We must decide what is best for ourselves and

especially those we are responsible for that are around us. If a decision is

made with love in our heart, it is usually the best decision, I have found that when

I wake up in the morning, right away before I get out of bed, I lay quietly and give

thanks for all my blessings and ask for direction. I ask for help in making the right

decisions throughout my day. I ask for an understanding heart to do HIS will and

not my will. This is my inner guidance system at work. You might also call it “an

inner road map". My internal guide or (my higher self) and my guardian angel

are all in place to help me focus on making the right decisions for today.

This is truly Amazing Grace.

I leave you with a final tidbit: To find your own guardian angel, simply sit very

quietly or lay very still and just ask internally “who is my guardian angel?”

The name will come. Lastly I ask you this,

“Are you comfortable with the decisions you made today?”

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“Defy Dark Thoughts” Blog #7

Do you know how to organize your thoughts? Think about thoughts….

Does the word “organize” fit into this same sentence for you? Today is important

for me to take time and focus on a constant battle that rages within us all. Just

plain dealing with our daily life can be tough at times. Trying to stay positive is a

difficult feat to do every single day.

We get up in the morning and start making decisions right away. Does one decision

after another bring on more anxiety? It can, most definitely.

Stress each day can bring more depression until one day, its just too much.

Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way, life can be so much better for you.

One day, life got so much better for me.

Today I am here. I feel good about my life today. I tell you now why I believe this.

First of all, “None of us are given more than we can handle:”

We are promised that none of us will be given more than we can handle.

Each of us have our own separate lessons to learn from. Lessons will be given

to us 24/7. Lessons are given day in and day out. A lesson will be repeated until

it is learned. Then it is time to go on to the next lesson.

And for added measure, just when you have things figured out, the tables turn.

Years ago after I lost my wonderful mother, I became a workaholic.

I showed houses, sold houses, met new people and sold more houses all over again.

It was an early Autumn morning and I remember that day vividly from years ago…

I was in a hurry to list a new home that I was putting on the morket. The home

needed a lock box. I also needed to write my ad for the coming Sundays

Open House. I was driving down the freeway, up against the clock, when all of a

sudden there was a huge traffic jam. Everything came to a complete stop.

None of the cars were moving. I was in the middle lane, and now sandwiched

between all kinds of loud, smelly cars. Suddenly, I was hot and cold. I felt like

screaming. I wanted to get out of the car and run. I just kept thinking, I want to

get out of my car and run away now! It was incredible how many thoughts I

was having in one instant. My eyes were burning and I remember as I put

my head back, I felt the need to stay very still. Traffic was not moving and

neither was I. I sat in my car filled with fear. I instinctively put my hands

together saying “Help me, Help me please….” It seemed like hours had passed

until I began to settle down.. Then I felt a sudden and distinct presence of

HIS peace. This was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was all okay now.

I felt warm and safe and balanced. Everything bad had evaporated into thin

air. At last, I was back to being my own self again.

I looked at my watch, all this had taken place in about twenty minutes!

My fear of the unknown had taken over and I’d been to hell and back.

A few days later I went to see my therapist and told him what happened.

He explained to me I had experienced an anxiety/panic attack.

My therapist also reilnforced that “nothing can harm you if you don’t allow it to”.

He told me to repeat this truth over and over in my head.

“Above all,” he said, “do something different and try to learn about yourself.

Don’t take yourself so seriously and try to laugh more”.

He finished by telling me that “everything is not your fault”.

I marveled at this mans quiet words of wisdom. He himself had seen such

sadness in his own life. Yet he always had such patience ad a ready smile

As I end today, I finally share this added piece - Did my panic attacks come back?

Yes, they certainly did!

I was attending a meeting at my office. There I was, sitting in the middle of a

crowded room of real estate people. Suddenly, I felt those ugly feelings creep

into me all over again. I was clammy. I felt the need to start screaming, and I

wanted to run away fast!

But now I knew something different. I told myself quickly. “You’ve already been

there”. I was mad at myself now and I said “get out of me now!” It worked. It

really worked. I calmed down. I took lots of deep breaths and realized I was

in control. I could organize my thoughts differently and throw out bad thoughts.

I found a beautiful angel to focus on. It was my guardian angel, always with me.

So now with my thoughts organized, I could bring in the light, lots of light. and lots

of beautiful new thoughts. I did this carefully - one long day after the next.

That was a long time ago, over 35 years ago and they are gone forever.

Today I leave you with this question: “Is it time to reorganize your thoughts?”

Is there darkness lurking in the crevices of your mind?

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