“Horrific Choices” Blog #6

Everything we do is based on a choice…...

I know one truth that we can all agree on and that is “we all just have today”.

If I choose to sit with myself and go back over all the years that bring me to

this point in time, events that stand out the most are the tragic times.

It’s funny how death can be the teacher in making you stop and see truth..

I was 23 years ol age when I would come face to face with death twice in the

very same year. Arizona was so amazing in April.

The air was filled with a perfume that only the desert flower blossoms could claim.

I was visiting my grandpa and my aunts for Spring break from college.

My grandfather had already reached the revered old age of 96 and he was still going

strong. This was my mothers family and they were hard-working Germans who had

come over from Europe when my grandfather and grandmother first married.

They raised eight children in Minnesota and were in the restaurant business for as long

as I had been alive. I loved being around them, there was always exciting conversation

and even as my grandpa approached his 97th year, I marveled how my two old

spinster aunts fussed over every meal, especially the morning breakfast. The table had

been set with a white linen table cloth napkins and center piece of flowers. of course.

The cooked prunes were set above the while china plate and the oatmeal simmered,

hot on the stove with egg coffee brewing. My aunts were hustling about as my grandpa

came down the stairs. Dressed in his pressed, pleated trousers and starched while shirt

with the sleeves slightly rolled up, you’d think he was off to work. He shuffled past me

and I inhaled his energy of old spice. Smiling at me, he sat down. “How are you feeling

today grandpa”? I said. He looked over at me playfully. “With my fingers Barbie”, I

laughed. This man was my mentor for life,. Even in his nineties, age did not define him.

I always felt safe in my grandpas presence. Now the aroma of all the breakfast courses

caught my attention once again. There was an omelet with bacon coming and

homemade cinnamon rolls hot out of the oven. All was as it should be, because every

day was like this one. With breakfast finished and the late mornings conversation

coming to a close, my grandpa told us he was going back upstairs for a short rest.

The morning had seen a late start for all of us. Now I watched, as my aunts no

sooner cleared the table, and were talking about the menu for tonights

dinner. My cousin was visiting like me, and with clear sunny skies and a hot afternoon

ahead, we quickly left for the swimming pool. I was drifting off to sleep when my aunt

came running out to the pool. “Come inside kids quickly, and Barbie don’t go upstairs til

we tell you1”. I remember thinking, what a strange comment. So of course, when I

walked into the house, I saw both my aunts crying and staring up the staircase.

I ran up to my grandpas bedroom at once, and there he was. The while chenille spread

was pulled back just enough for his head to rest on a down feathered pillow.

The sun was shining thru his bedroom window. Grandpas glasses were on the bedside

table with his bible opened. I looked over at my grandpa stretched out in the clothes

I had just seen him in. Everything was so eerily quiet. Less than an hour ago we were

laughing together. Now his hands were folded over on his chest and he lay there.

I gingerly reached out, touching his nose and it felt ice cold. I quickly pulled back.

Yet, the expression on his face was amazing and so comforting. He appeared to be at

such peace. I remember thinking, “Wow, what a way to go, what a way to leave this

earth. Just go upstairs and take a nap. Of course, I thought right away how much I

would miss him, I would miss him terribly. My grandpa was just always there in the

background, he was everything to me. Still, he had lived a very long life. He almost

reached one hundred and was fully functioning. His heath, for the most part, was

excellent and his mind was completely in tact. This man had such a wonderful sense

of humor. Watching him over the years I lived at his house, gave me great memories

now of seeing my Grandpa in his chair, smoking his pipe of cherry blend tobacco, while

laughing hard at the Red Skelton Show on television. I believe his enormous varied

interests, eating good food that was always prepared for him, and drinking very little,

kept him healthy year after year. Even after my grandma died, there was no mention of

any senior home. Grandpa would remain living out his days in his big white colonial

with his daughters that never married. From the giant garden he cultivated all summer

long and all the grandchildren visiting his summer home up North. Watching and

reading the news from around the world with restaurant tabletalk discussions nightly.

All the daily drama and yet never taking part, just listening. This is what really kept

my grandpa going. I was able to peacefully let him go now and at the same time,

understand he lived a very good life. All of this took place in the month of April.

In October of that same year I lost my father at the ripe old age of 52.

Through choices of his own, my father had become a raging, abusive, sick

alcoholic. As long as I had been alive, this was the only way I came to know him.

This man had a wife and three children. Yet the priorities my father chose, to rule

his life, were oh so sad. My father smoked two unfiltered packs of camel cigarettes

every single day. This man drank a case of beer and a pint of whiskey every single day.

He lived with four other people in a house where, the terror and horrific behavior was so

acute that never a day went by when there was not sadness, chaos and grief.

I moved over to my grandfathers house by the time I was twelve years old.

No one really seemed to care or even miss me. It was one less mouth to feed.

This was a very hard choice for me to make, a horrific choice. I was afraid to go and

leave my mother and little brothers at home with my father. Yet, the verbal abuse

I was nightly taking and the fights were keeping me up and affecting my school

work, and my mental ;health. me My aunts had begged my mother to leave. She would

never listen. Somehow I realized that I needed to be strong internally. I needed to save

myself. After I did this, ofcouirse I went back and forth fighting a guilty conscience.

Thru my highchsool years I lived at my grandpas house. I wound up graduating from a

good school and going on to college because of my aunts generosity. Life is filled with

choices. One day at a time. My father? One day his body just caved in. I was living

and working in Arizona now. I had not been home since Christmas. My aunt alled

and told me that my fathers body had just caved in. She said that his mouth was

filled with “spider tumors” and his body was loaded with cancer. He did not die

peacefully and I was not there to tell him I forgave him. At this point, I did not.

I ask you this today: “Is there a choice you need to make for your own good

mental health, or have you put it off”?

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“So Damn Hard” Blog #5

So today I am going a little deeper.

In order to balance my life, I choose to get rid of my overwhelming anger, constant

resentment and my consuming fear. Now you may say, “I can’t do this. I have valid

reasons for hating or despising and holding a grudge on this person or that person for

what they’ve done to me and I will always feel that way.” So I say you, “right now, check in

with your feelings, how does that feel?”

How do these words feel festering inside you?  Rather, try to see this – in the big picture I

told you every single solitary thing that happens to us, happens for a reason. Everything

we are given is an invaluable lesson to learn from. To compound this, what if this were

true? 

We came to earth to learn powerful lessons.  Each and every one of us. If we can not

learn one lesson, we are given a bigger lesson to learn next time. Lessons are repeated

until they are learned.

When I was young, in my teenage years, I remember I had a total of two or three

boyfriends throughout my high school years. Sadly, their personalities were so similar.

They were not stable.  Their home life was bad. They needed “fixing” and it was all sad.

They were filled with drama. There was always something going on with them that

required fixing. I had to fix them. I don’t remember happy joyful fun with my boyfriends

and I don’t remember lots of laughter. I do remember a tremendous amount of fear. Now

I realize there was constant fear at home and no laughter. Every one in our family catered

to my father and his dark, drunken scary actions.

Why do you suppose I just threw all that information about myself in the mix? This is

because our own individual lives are “stepping stones” and we can stay stuck in the mud,

or climb out into the light. This is exactly what I did. I’m not saying that it is easy at all. But

there will always be a way out. There is absolutely no other choice to a healthy, happy,

peace-filled life. So listen for just a little longer and see if my ideas can work for you.

When my Mother was murdered and I was filled with hate and anger and rage, I shared

how this wonderful therapist asked me to try to pray for the man that did this. I tell you

now, it took months to do this. Yet, when I decided to forgive him and pray for him there

was such an immediate relief and release of tension in my body, it was unbelievable.

I actually drove myself to the state hospital where they were keeping this man because

he was found to be “insane”, yet I asked the guards to let me see him. They brought him

into a holding room. I told this man who I was. I told him I forgave him for everything he

had done. Just for a minute, I saw the anger leave his face and he said to me, “I was

going to ask the guard to take me to the cemetery so I could say I’m sorry to her” he said.

Just for a moment I was able to see through to his higher self. But with that his eyes

glassed over and there was no more talk. I was led out of the state hospital to my car. I

remember thinking, “this must be what the thoughts of heaven and hell are now”. He

seemed to be in hell indefinitely for what he has done.

Heaven felt very close to me, because I felt my angels close to me. I felt peace now, I felt a

complete understanding of what I had internally been asked to do and I was thankful I

was able to bring myself to do this.

So, I ask you this question today, “Are feelings of anger, hate and regret, robbing your

peace of mind”?

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“Something Strange” Blog #4

Today I am going to spend just enough time to share something

really remarkable. Its so important to share this gift with you.

The gift of these very beautiful words:

“You can choose to be wherever you want in your thinking.”

YOU get to choose. 24/7. Every minute of every day.

This is always and forever while you are alive.

Thinking any kind of thought is your decision today.

There have been many days that were too dark for me to deal with.

For me - I know that mental pain can far outweigh any of my own

physical pain in so many ways. Knowing this, many days, I go into one

long day after the next. I would often feel like I was just existing.

I somehow made it from one thing to the next, but not fully present.

I seemed to be devoid of any emotion that embraced truth.

In an earlier blog, I shared how I was able to stop drinking

over thirty years ago!

This was not some elaborate plan. This is not a long read.

Here’s what I did: “I just stopped on that DAY”

You only have TODAY. What a beautiful present. The “Present”.

Remember this: The mind is tricky … If you dwell on a sad thought,

this thought will grow. This thought can overtake you.

If you stay in one mindset, knowing you are up against a wall,

you grow weaker. I grew weaker. I Needed to STOP dwelling

on sad thoughts. Whether it is a relationship, a sickness, a

persons cruel comments, a lost job, you are up against a “Wall”.

I needed to remember I could not bring my daughter back!

I could not change the murder of my own mother!

I could not change the past no matter how I thought about it.

I wanted to “fix things” around me. I wanted to fix people so

they looked at me differently. I desperately wanted to fix things.

YOU cannot fix other people. You can only fix or change yourself.

At first, this reality is very scary. This thinking is sad. What am I

going to think about then if this is true? What do I do about ME?

So now I hand you a new thought. I put my hands together

and I say “thank you. Wow. You are probably saying to me , “What?

What are you talking about?”

I seemed to have every reason in the world to become an

alcoholic, a drug addict myself, just plain want to end it all, right?

I could dive into my depression and sadness and try to

make it go away with all these “temporary tools of false thinking” but now I don’t.

I was tired, so very tired of THAT outcome. I KNOW where that goes!

So for once in my life, I choose not to go there.

I went to see this wonderful ancient old therapist that was helping

me by just being a good listener and he always ended with a few comments.

He suggested when I go home that night to try something different

in approaching my life, just for one day.

“Can you do this?”, he said. “Can you try something new for today?”

There was a very long silence. My mind was racing. I had literally

tried all the things there were to try.

“Okay”, I said. “I guess I can try something for one day”.

He told me, “Put your hands together and say thank you. Thank

you for my life right now and all the lessons I am being given to learn from.

Thank you for showing me where to go today from my higher self!”

For whatever reason, I had nothing to lose.

I looked at him in astonishment because now he told me to do

something no one else had said to do.

He asked me not to just pray for myself, but pray for the person that

murdered my mother.

What a strange twist.

What a different kind of energy.

Why would I want to do this? I guess because I was tired of hating.

I was so desperate and I was so tired of doing the same things and

feeling so sad, hung over, depressed.

So I said, “I will do it”. He also told me that this is considered to be

a powerful prayer. When you pray for your highest good or the

highest good of another, angels sweep forth, the universe listens,

and that prayer is ALWAYS answered.

I did this that first night and every night there after.

A weight was lifted off my shoulders I could not begin to describe.

So I end on this note today, can you do something good and pray for yourself?

Can you say a prayer for someone you hate?

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“The Unexpected” Blog #3

Today I really want you to think about your life right now….

Just when you think your life is going the way you want it, everything can change.

Just when you think you figured it all out, there’s a new twist.

However, no person is ever prepared for the unexpected…….

It was a beautiful sunny day and I was set up with so many appointment and I loved my

work. I was really good at selling houses and this day I was crazy busy. I had Just

finished giving my only little boy some grape juice and I would be on my way…

So much to do and so very little time.

I was at the kitchen sink and turned around to see grape juice all over the

place! I hurriedly cleaned up the high chair, watched the smiling face of

my precious 18 month old and took the rug to shake it outside the back

door. In that flash of a moment, how my life changed…..

The sun was shining brightly. Not a cloud in the sky on this gorgeous

July morning. Suddenly, I was overcome with a new thought; So

pressing! Now I did not want to go to my work. I did not want to show houses.

All I could think about was going on a picnic!! This was crazy, but true.

My husband had come into the kitchen in his nice blue suit, ready

to take on the day and start our real estate appointments. I turned to

him and said; “everything changed, Im going to call mom and see if

she wants to go on a picnic with the baby and me and can you please

take over for me today?” My husband smiled and said he would.

.It took no more then 45 minutes to call my mom, and she was at our

house. She told me she couldn’t remember when we had ever done

this. She had brought 3 things with her. An old quilt, a thermos of

lemondade and a big black umbrella for shade. As we drove to the

lake, she had her precious, adored grandson nestled on her lap.

From that moment, I just recall a perfect day. A day like no other.

We sat on the blanket and talked and talked and laughed. My

mother adored her little grandson and I watched as they came

back walking down the beach and she had bought a chocolate

ice cream cone. They were sharing it, she was laughing and they

both had chocolate covered faces. His pudgy little fingers were

holding tight to her hand as they walked slowly in the hot July sun.

In no time at all, he was sound asleep on the quilt. We had the

whole afternoon to be together and share out thoughts.

Suddenly, I realized the time! The late afternoon sun was giving

way to cooler temperatures and I told my mother we had better

get going because someone was now awake and going to be

very hungry. At that moment, I watched a very familiar figure

approaching and saw that my husband had come and surprised

us! He had baked chicken, grapes, soft rolls, and so much good

food. Then he said; “ don’t be upset honey, but I brought the last

bottle of white wine we had in the refrigerator, I know you were

saving it for our dinner party this weekend, but it goes great

with the chicken. He had already poured my mom a glass as

she smiled at him. We all sat there eating the best food and

having a picnic. I thought to myself, I never would have thought to do this in a

million years. Finally, it was time to leave. We all walked across

the grass and drove home to our house in two separate cars.

In the driveway I kissed and hugged my mom goodbye. “ I’ll see

you in morning, since you said you would watch the baby and

we have so much work to catch up with, ok? “ I watched my

mom nod yes, smile and wave to me. She got into her car and drove

away. I realized how peaceful I felt and how nice the day had

been. Absolutely no regrets about missing any work.

The following morning at 9:27 my mother was murdered by a drug addict.

I ask you this question; “Are you prepared for the unexpected today?”

“Do you have any regrets involving any other person??

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“Moving on” Blog #2

There are only two choices in life. There will never be more than two choices in

your life. Keep it simple and remember that. Do nothing or do something.

The right thing or the wrong thing? Always pray first for discernment. To know to

do the right thing. Simply say “I pray to do the right thing now”. That will work.

I try to live from my highest level of understanding. It’s hard, but well worth it.

Today I am going to talk about miracles. They are real. They happen. I had my first

miracle happen to me………. months after my own mother was murdered.

`I had become overly restless and filled with anxiety as well as being a workaholic

and a closet drinker. No matter what I did though, I could not escape the bad

nightmares I was having and the darkness that I felt around me. I lived in

constant fear and felt my life was so empty. I could not forgive God for taking

away my mother in such a horrid way. I could not cope with life as I lived it

and above all, my futile ways of “bandaging” the issues around me, were

failing. I just knew I had to do something different.

I took a trip and went to see my mothers sisters, my two old aunts who lived in

Arizona. I would spend the week laying in the sun, so I thought, and try

to get past all my grizzlley past. This would fix me . I was totally mistaken.

When I arrived in Arizona, the first thing my younger aunt told me was

my elder aunt, my favorite aunt, had become very, very sick with emphasema.

They were going to attend a healing service where a very famous priest was

going to be, this coming Sunday. “Would I please go with them and help bring

my favorite aunt into the church and go to the service?”. What could

I say but of course. Yes.

When we got there. it was pandemonium. Not a couple hundred but

hundreds of people waiting in line to get in. People in wheel choirs, people with no

hair, children limping, so many obvious sick people wailting to hear what

this very controversial priest had to say. The reason I say controloversial

was because the Catholic Church had made him leave because not only

did he want to get married, (and he did) but he was performing

miracles in Gods name and healing people. I jus had to see this man too.

As we walked into the church, we barely found a seat. My younger

aunt was firing instructions at me. “Now you hold on to her left arm

tightly, while I hold on to her right arm and when we get to the priest, I will do the

talking, understand? I nodded my head yes.

The people started going forward from the back of the church… so many

people hurting. I watched as this magnificent, majestic man, tall in stature

and piercing blue eyes, mesmerize the people. He had on dark pants and a blue

sweater and the kindness face. He could not have been any older than forty at the

oldest. Yet, when he started to talk and motioned to the people

to come up one by one, he told them he would pray for them. His voice was

immediately calming. He had a presence about him that reminded me of

a saint. The entire church with hundreds of people in it, now became still.

I remember as we walked up the aisle, I was gripping my aunts arm and

I kept thinking, “what is he going to say or do to her? But I wasn’t afraid..

Then - we were there. He never looked at either of my aunts. He seemed

to look straight into my heart as if to silently say “you have nothing to fear”

I remember he touched my forehead and softly made the sign of a cross.

In that exact instant, I flew over on my back like a tornado had hit me and

gently laid me down flat on the ground! Everyone around me was staring down at me.

The priest knelt down and said; “Do not fear, the Holy Spirit has just gone

through you. I remember feeling such peace - I never wanted to get up.

I also remember thinking, Is this what faith is really about? Because Jesus

would have to come down from the cross every single day in order for people

to see him and then believe in him. I know this. prior to coming here this

night my faith was somewhere between barely there and not. Now I just

sat up and looked at my aunts. they both looked away. All the drive home

they were silent. Later that night, and the following days, a miracle besides

the one in church happened to me. I no longer had any problem sleeping.

I slept the entire night thru. So I leave you with this question today;

‘Do you believe in miracles? Can your life be different then now?

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“Dare To Do It” Blog #1

Hi I’m Barbie.. I am going to do all I can in an honest way, and share with you weekly

how I have overcome the worst of my adversity. I am one person with lots of ways

that may. seem unorthodox - but helped me overcome my own sadness and

heartache. I still love God. . I still love my life. I still love my family. I am still willing

to take on whatever comes to me and work from my higher self. Theres no other way.

Im going to share lots of things with you… Why they work for me.. Nothing else.

Some weeks it will be a longer message. Sometimes shorter. Always important.

Right now I think I am going to share a short story. I had a very sad tragedy in my

life when I was a young mother with a toddler. My own mother was brutally

murdered by a drug addict. From the day that its happened, I was never to

be the same. I remember the calendar of the day had a small inscription

that said: “Oh normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are…”. I’ve

never forgot that. My world was changed and so was I. My days filled with

panic attacks, anxiety, constant fear, anger, depression ….drinking.. on and

on and more drinking. I want to make this very long story short and to the point

Meanwhile, I had been trying a boat load of things that friends told me to do.

Counselors, therapists, books, videos, help for drinking. Nothing at all seemed to

penetrate the darkness. Nothing at all helped. Then one day out of desperation

I actually did try to talk to God and try not to be angry as I said this quick,

prayer: “Please God, if you are listening, I can’t take it any longer, help me please”

I now know that when you pray in earnest…….angels are dispatched -

God goes right to work AND heavenly spirits come down to help.. Wow..

I had been working, or had actually become a workaholic to hide from

all my tragedy. My neighbor knew my story and came over with a ticket to

go see a new phenomena at convention center. He supposedly was turning

everyones life around no matter what tragedy they had encountered or how

they were stuck. Anyway, I thanked my neighbor for the ticket and threw it in

the garbage can. Later when I was suppose to go to work, I started shaking

and realized my fear had taken over, my anxiety was through the roof and

I was ready to give up. I took the ticket out of the waste basket and drove to the

Convention Center. It was packed, a few thousand people. I managed to

find a place to sit in the midst of total strangers and tried to listen. The man

next to me was way too cheerful and talking non-stop. I hoped he wouldn’t

start talking to me. I had decided at the intermission, I would get up and leave..

I just couldn’t get into it. As I was leaving the huge convention center, there were

hundreds of people ,standing around during the break. I started to walk

toward my car and a hand brushed my shoulder. I turned around and it was

the man who had been sitting next to me in the auditorium ! He was a thin,

balding man in his 40’s with a pleasant face and a big smile; He looked right

into my eyes and said: “I hope you are enjoying yourself as much as I am”……

You know, I lost my wife and 4 daughters in a house fire……I realize that they

gave up their lives so I could learn the lessons I needed to learn. I hope you

have a good day”. With that last word he disappeared into the crowd,

never to be seen by me again. I just stood there for the longest time. It

was like time stood still. I thought what if what he told me was the way

it really is? My grief suddenly paled next to his. Yet, he seemed and appeared

to be at peace. He seemed to accept life in a beautiful way. I went out to

my car and emptied out the cup of wine I had left behind. My mind was racing

in a good way. Suddenly a different door was open because inside my head,

this thought made sense. So I end today by asking you this question:

“What if everything that happens to each of us, is a powerful lesson to learn from?”

What IF YOU ARE ONLY ON THIS EARTH

TO LEARN LESSONS & HELP OTHER PEOPLE?

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