“Birthday Gone?” Blog #149
Do I understand I can never go back?
Can I find strength to start a “new page” today?
In my mind, will I substitute darkness for light now?
Today is my daughters birthday. She would be forty four years old today. Yet, she is not
here anymore. No matter how much I justify, rationalize or invent reasons to make life
different. Truth is truth. The cold, raw, honest truth stings….so I pray.
I understand less than I ever thought I did about life. I have many issues with family
members and those who I hold close in my heart, who are now so far away from me.
Labels we attach to people are what hurts. Yet, my own person feels needed strong
awareness of what I must address before year ends. This takes courage.. It’s time now,
time to start over and find a way to pick up premier pieces in my life. It is time to be
brave. Time to decide not to be with this person or that person who may pull me down.
Time to take the reigns and steer myself on to higher ground. So many of my own
birthdays now are gone. So many opportunities though, to see life differently. What have I
been absorbing about myself each and every day? There must be forgiveness for
myself first. Taking off the rose colored glasses, I see how critical it is to embrace painful
parts of my life where healing is needed. If I am truly in a place wanting to heal, then there
are absolutely no conditions. There is no area set aside for blame. There is no place for
the “what if’s”; no place for “only looking at it my way”.
I must start there. Each one of us, want to be loved, appreciated and respected above
all. Then God must fight my battles of unfairness, not me. Understanding this, I accept
eagles fly higher than crows do any day. Only a fool wants to continue to argue and
ignore peace. Even IF I am convinced I AM RIGHT, it’s better to seek peace. So on this pain-
filled birthday gone, I reflect for a moment.
I spend a paragraph on the daughter I loved with all my heart. My daughter who chose
darkness over light. I too was in darkness thinking I could help her, fix her, heal her. I
watched her go from one dilemma to the next, all the while, ignoring the giant elephant in
her daily life. She did not and could not and refused to see the light of her five year old son
and the light of her eight year old son. Rather day after day she chose drugs and alcohol.
In the end, she died alone in a hotel room of toxic alcohol poisoning. Three and a half
years ago, I remember going there on a sunny June afternoon, like it was yesterday. Her
beautiful sons are left behind to a life with one remaining parent who also has these same
dark choices to deal with daily.
Yet, truth is funny in an ironic way. IF I promise myself from this day forward I will only
speak the truth, am I prepared for repercussions? Rather, I dare pray for discernment.
How many people will be hurt and refuse to listen and strike back when truth is told to
them with only honest intent? Seldom does it work. often, the truth hurts too much.
People do not want other people telling them the truth about themself.
A great awareness this year. Sometimes the Universe wants us to just stay still. Know
when statements should be withheld. Discernment is critical to every day awareness. I
am going to pray today for three things in my life:
Discipline
Discernment
Detachment.
I now want to discipline my life with “Higher Self” awareness today. I pray for discipline in
every part of my life today. I choose to want to do “the right thing daily”.
I pray for “Discernment”. I desire the ability to discern. all situations. I want to view my
life with spiritual guidance and an understanding heart.
Lastly, I desire to have detachment. To be able to detach from emotional situations.
Sad things are out there I cannot fix, they wear me down. Although I need to see and find
and accept my lesson in these situations, I desire to be able to “look at my life through
“Jesus Eyes”. I want to turn off the emotional draining and view my life from a distance of
higher self perspective, awareness and love. I accept my first love is for my Creator, my
Lord Jesus. Then I do not become disappointed when earthly things let me down. I push
myself today to rise above my darkness.
We are in the Season of Advent. The first week of Advent reflects a great emphasis on
waiting. Waiting for the Birth of Jesus Christ: the main focus. Waiting each day in ones life
can be very draining or it can be healing. Someone might be waiting for that healing
telephone call from a family member. The waiting may go on for an endless amount of
days, weeks, years. I can call someone else who wants to hear from me. I can reach out
with love to another soul.
Someone may be waiting for an apology that may or may not ever come. Someone may
be waiting for their health to change for the positive. Now that is something each of us
can have some control over. Each day I must try my best to fuel the body with the
“Highest energy possible”. I have learned many ways and have access to many internal
tools. However, it can be a punch in the gut, a set back out of nowhere. If suddenly
another person is angry, hostile, unloving, what is hurting me the most right now? I step
back, take a breath and see this as a critical time. I MUST NOT GIVE IN. Using every higher
self tool, I PRAY 24/7 for courage, strength and the light of Christ to guide me.
IF I am waiting for others to change….God is waiting for me to change!
So with deep breaths coming and going, with prayer in place, I feel love in my heart. I go
forward…..I take on my NEW day. I send my daughter silent birthday wishes wherever her
soul may be. I say, “Happy Birthday honey, I will always love you. Your birthday celebration
may be gone from earth but your memory remains in my heart.”
________________________
Can I look at birthdays’ gone and find new awareness now?
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