“What Won’t Work?” Blog #91
People are pushing me in every direction, IF I let them.
My life is filled with “stuff” I need to fix.
Every day lies waiting, but Why is my life NOT working right?
The greatest gift I can give to myself is TIME, TIME to learn about me. I want to
understand and accept and believe that all my hurt has come into my life to teach me
the valuable lessons that I need to learn about ME. Yet, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? A
little story fits here nicely now, so I jump right in.
Fast back track to my teenage years and living at home off and on when I wasn’t at my
grandpas house. I would go home on the weekends because I felt so guilty in “running
away to a safe place”. Yet, as I look back I see the puzzling problem of even trying to get
through a day with clarity. My parents were living in complete and utter darkness. They
did not even realize what a “good life to live” is. Because my father was a raging, abusive,
mean alcoholic, us children ran away, stayed away, “felt away from any confusing
parenting they tried to randomly throw at us”. By my teen years, I had seen so much daily
drinking and fighting and abusive anger that all three of us children lived inside a home all
together, separately. Family that did not care. I was sixteen years old, trying to shuffle
back and forth between my parents and grandparents. I could see my one brother
becoming wilder and experimenting with dark drugs. I had a couple of friends but still
kept my family secrets to myself. One night stands out in sadness. I had gone through
too many fights. The horrid screaming and my mother crying at home. Another weekend
of this raging fighting. Empty beer bottles all over our dismal, dirty little kitchen. What were
they even fighting about anyway? I had my own problems and they didn’t care. On
impulse, I grabbed an empty beer bottle, smashed it and cut at my wrists. In the back of
my mind, I was somehow thinking this act would knock some sense into my drunken
father sitting on the chair in the other room. I remember walking in to show him.
Hysterically crying, I flung myself at him but then pulled back. I had hopes that for the first
time my dad would pay attention to his daughter. How his drunken, droopy eyes even
looked up at me I don’t know. But he stared at my bleeding wrists. Then in a slow, slurring,
angry tone he spoke. Snickering, he said; You can’t even do that F…….. right! Now get outta
my sight.
Ironically something inside of me snapped. In the strangest way, yes, I felt completely
alone but that was good. I suddenly got an insight that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter
because I would prove him wrong in my strength. I was stupid to show him my weakness.
Never again would I allow myself to let someone or something take away my inner power.
I suddenly saw my father as a weak, beaten, lost lamb. I pitied him. I hated him. It took
years to turn me around and see how he chose drugs and alcohol over his family and
faith. He lived in such darkness that God was never allowed in. The dark hole consumed
and swallowed him at fifty two.
So am I defined because of where I came from? NO, It will not label who I am. What
matters most is where I AM going! I could cop out and feel sorry for myself forever. Well,
what will that ever prove? That would get me no where. All I had to do was look around.
Every single someone has something, somehow hurting them as well. At that moment I
realized Its not about my family, it’s not about any other person, ITS ALL ME. What do I want
to do about me? I had to be safe. I saw that immediately.
There is a Bridge we all cross in our years coming out of childhood into our teens -Teens
become adults quickly. Adults with addictions hard to stop. We look at life with a narrow
family awareness, but we do get to choose and see, ITS ALL UP TO ME. WHATEVER IS NOT
WORKING, I HAVE TO FIX IT. MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME DRUGS, PILLS, SMOKING …. ARE ALL NOT
WORKING. PRAYING, I DO IT IN A HEALTHY WAY NOW.
My l.ife unfortunately, did not get easier with an amazing awareness, but its way better.
Because human beings are creatures of habit, we do adjust. No matter what. Ironically,
most of us decide that we “will never be like the darkness we see” AND THEN WE CREEP
RIGHT TOWARD IT THROUGH HABITS, IDEAS, AND PEOPLE. There is only one way that works. A
belief in HIM. Jesus is MY only answer. It might make you want to withdraw right now, yet I
say in this saturated world of darkness, NO other force is strong enough to take on EVIL. It
creeps its dark ugly head and gets in.
As a teen, you try to fit in no matter what. We want to fit it. We need to fit in and find out;
What works and what doesn’t. Having friends makes us feel safe. But we need to check
them out, what are they made of? What is working in a good way for them and for me?
So I need to be careful. “Birds of a feather flock together”.
IF a person is sad, depressed, angry, resentful, bitter, judgemental, THESE are the same
qualities MY person will attract in FRIENDS around ME. WE WANT TO FEEL NEEDED. I WANT TO
FEEL SAFE. I WANT AND DESERVE TO FEEL LOVED. It Is hard and risky and challenging to go
out and find friends who appear “Healthy & Happy”. How TO DO THIS?
I STOP INDULGING MY LOWER SELF DESIRES. I BECOME KINDER TO OTHERS. I AM HONEST.
Yet, behind closed doors of every home in the country, a family life is living NOW. How are
we treating each other and above all I need o be honest with my feelings. if a family
member or a friend has let me down, hurt me, abandoned me, I need to let them know
through words or a letter and discern if it is time to let go of what is not working. I must
remember that in order for my life to work for me I accept the lessons I have been given.
We are all teachers for one another in this classroom of life, we are all students of HIS
word. IF we but accept this challenge. Free Will willl always be a double edged sword.
Just because we can do it, does not mean we should. I pray to Jesus daily for discipline,
detachment and discernment. Inside each of us is a fragile higher self child that needs
nurturing. In my aloneness I have so many tools to help myself today.
“AM I READY TO FIX THINGS INSIDE ME THAT DON’T WORK?”
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