”Prepared?” Blog #76
What happens when you can’t prepare for something? Where do I suddenly get the
tools to take on what I’m not ready for? How can I be ready for something that I don’t
even see coming?
I could not possibly prepare myself for the unexpected that day. It’s another hot summer
morning and so many of the things I am thinking about doing are interrupted by change.
There are unexpected phone calls. There are unexpected mood changes in people
around me.
There is unexpected tragedy. I remember a long time ago when I woke up fresh on a hot
summer morning. I was ready to go out and list another house. The biggest change in
my life that I can ever remember happened this exact July 12th morning, years and years
ago. Little did I realize, I was so unprepared. I was thinking only about listing a house for
sale and my crazy real estate business.
As I sat down at my desk, I distinctly remember reading the words for the day,
“Oh normal day, let me be aware of what a treasure you are!”
I went to look at a new house coming on the market. When I got back to my office, my
husband was standing there with tears in his eyes. He told me my mother had just been
killed by a drug addict. Then I did the strangest thing. I just wanted to write my ads for
my Sunday Open house, I guess to pretend I never heard a word he had just said. The
rest of that day found me falling into a black hole. Somehow it seemed, I had just
walked into a scene from a horror movie. No words can explain how I managed to cope.
No drinks, no pills, no drugs. Nothing takes away dealing with a life experience so severe.
My faith had always been superficial at best. However, then sadly, what happened to my
mother, made me turn away completely from religion and God. How could a kind, loving,
good God ever allow this to happen?
When this tragedy hit my life so many years ago today, I had to experience the
unthinkable. I did not have spiritual tools to work with. IF I would have known more about
the man, Jesus, I would have been better prepared with spiritual tools I so greatly
needed. I may have been willing to accept at some point what happened to me and
been better prepared for emotional healing. At some point, I started to learn about my
own faith and the man, Jesus Christ. It was comforting and peace-filled and made me
feel safe. I am now aware that Jesus prayed and went back and forth into the Garden of
Gethsemane, three separate times. Knowing what was ahead of him, Jesus asked
earnestly;
“take this cup from me, yet not what I will but your will God”
So this means IF Jesus was to suffer in his humanity and even God his Father let this
happen, Jesus was showing us what even HE wanted to learn about fear, anger and
forgiveness in his human form. Now, I have seen powerful lessons in store for me to
learn. What kind of lessons am I talking about?
Anger - Judgement - Forgiveness
These are huge issues to deal with on a daily basis. How can I begin to try to understand
the “man” Jesus? By starting with myself. Learning about myself. Forgiving myself.
Imagine being alive and in all your own humaness, you are given “super powers”. You
are able to heal and help and divinely perform miracles on other people. However, you
cannot use any of these “Devine super powers” on yourself! This takes super human
discipline. Jesus had to be perfectly disciplined to the end. Over thirty-nine lashes of
torture and bloody whipping. Soldiers, spitting, ridiculing and shoving on his head a
crown of thorns. Then a death squad hammering sharp nails into the the wrists of Jesus
as he is horrifically nailed to a crossbar. It took three long tortuous hours for Jesus the
man of all miracles to die a gruesome, slow deliberate death. All the while hanging
there, he used no miraculous powers on himself! HIS disciples let HIM down and
deceived HIM. HE was totally alone. Still in the end it is recorded Jesus last words:
“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do”.
Who alive has that kind of forgiveness? As my own life went back and forth in dark
circles of anger, sadness and fear, my private suffering was weighing me down. I was
absolutely not able to forgive. However, I was now learning more about the “man” Jesus
and my heart was now ready. Then one cold winter morning when the weight of all my
anger was crippling me, I put my hands together. “Please, please help me Jesus”, I
prayed. Suddenly the strangest thought came into my mind. I found I had the desire to
drive over to the place of incarceration and face the man who had killed my mother. I
wanted to speak with him. When the guards let me into the room and I saw him sitting
meekly on a chair, I looked deep into his eyes. My voice was starting to quiver but I spoke
quietly. “I forgive you”, I said. Then it was done. I watched the guard take him out of the
room and tears flowed down my cheeks. It was over. There was no more reason to
carry this heavy burden any longer. All those years of searching for something.
Forgiveness, right in front of my face.
I had to let go of all my anger. I had to trust. That’s when Jesus Christ comes in like a
butterfly. Still, quietly and comforting. I asked for help in earnest, and HE came.
HIS light prepares me for any and all darkness. My body, mind and spirit are protected..
Am I ready or am I unprepared?”
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