“The Closed Door” Blog #165

What if all could be different and I felt really good today?

Why haven’t a variety of things I tried taken away my darkness?

When will I finally be able to say I am completely at peace?

Lent is about suffering, so I share a part of my suffering now. I remember the sunniest day

there could ever be created and not a cloud in the sky. Everything was perfect around me.

But that day, my day was not perfect! My morning filled with horror, confusion and utter

devastation. For this morning I had to deal with my mothers murder the day before. How

could that be? My dedicated, beautiful, loving mother, who only cared about “fixing her

family”. All she ever lived for was her children, husband and working, and working and

more working. Hoping beyond hope, all could turn out differently. But now she had met

the end. She was no more.

She lost her life to a person taking thirty four dollars in her purse, then killing her. Why?

Because he was in a drugged state of mind, an addict who knew no better. She is dead

because of that. Now years upon years later, he also is dead.

However, here am I looking back, remembering it all. The crystal clear picture and how it

all took place. I remember the sobering, scary, unreal feeling of just wanting to run away

and hide. Get away from it all. Drinking as many vodka tonics as I could, and asking over

and over again, “why did this have to happen?” Then weeks and months and years

later….the inner suffering, the denial, feeling there was but a shell left of the real me. Most of

all the unhinged, inescapable reality of what lie ahead of me now. Yet, somehow

regardless of how bad things get and how much is thrown at us, most of us try to come

back. So I kept on moving forward with whatever it would take. More and more drinks,

more random people to confide in, and more places to run to until it didn’t work anymore..

Until I sensed inside me, there is no escaping self. Until finally everything got too confusing

and nothing working. Above all, so much loneliness. So alone. Looking and searching and

finding more of the same. The same artificial stimulants that were “never really my friend”.

Never REALLY there for me when I awoke each morning, so many more feelings of isolated

loneliness.. SILENTLY, SCREAMING SO LOUD I WAS SURE OTHERS COULD HERE ME ……PLEADING….

CRYING…“WHY ME? WHY DID ALL THIS TRAGEDY HAPPEN TO ME?” WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO

WRONG? Waiting and Waiting, yet nothing but complete silence.

As I look back today, I see very clearly it was in the midst of my utter darkness. Trying

desperately to quiet my mind, so tired of listening to rambling words of nought. I

rationalized better to be In a complete void of nothingness. Not really believing and not

really “not wanting to not believe”, that’s when it happened.

EVERYTHING CHANGED IN A BREATH.

My indifference, my anger, my workaholic behavior, all gone. Trying with all my might to

stay in my own “silly game” if you will. Convinced I knew what was best for me because

after all, I had been through Hell and back and was still here wasn’t I? So I had earned the

right to fill up my life with all this mundane, superficial secular “stuff”.

At the end of the day, life never works the way we want it to. We can never run away. I

could never really run away from myself. There was no where to go. My filled up, full of

garbage, feeding-frenzied mind would not leave me alone for a minute!

SO THEREIN LIES THE RUB.

I had to give in. Had to accept there was “One more door” I could possibly go through.

Desperately praying for peace, could I try one more time?

We are only as sick as our secrets.

I could try and it was as simple as that. Quietly a butterfly lands near by….no noise, but

beautifully noticeable. Then a subtle soft breeze touches my face, so cooling at the end of

my blistering sun scorched day. Hot tears roll down cheeks that instantly feel a peace, and

a promise. Suddenly I witness a rainbow out of nowhere paints the sky in vibrant pinks and

purples and gold. I quietly hear HIS words inside my head as Jesus softly speaks.

“Knock and the door will open”. “I AM the Door”

Can I believe HE is the door, healing my life now?

NOW LISTEN TO SONG FOR TODAY - CLICK PLAY BUTTON IN VIDEO BELOW