“No Way Back” Blog #85

Have I been thinking, how far can I keep going at this pace?

Is my life speeding by too fast, or too slow, and who knows where?

How much longer can I keep worrying about something I can’t fix?

RESPONSIBILITY

“The fulfillment of my dreams lies within me and me alone. When I understand

and accept this, then nothing, or no one, can ever deny me greatness. The power

to succeed or fail at anything is mine, and no one can ever take that away.”

I remember the day when I was the ripe old age of thirteen. I had made up my mind to

make a life changing decision. I felt in my heart I could no longer live with my mother and

father’s abusive life style. My fathers drinking and daily fights with my mother had taken a

terrible toll on my feelings about myself. I was afraid a lot, I could not study in school and

more often then not, I was distracted by a darker side of life.

We had left the turmoil and sadness and confusion of living at my Aunt Irene’s house.

Now after months of no school, we had all been living in one room at a boarding house,

My other aunt felt sorry for us and helped my mom with a deposit for rent. My mother

found a tiny house for us to start over again. Yet, the fights were just as long and scary.

Her children? We were all a couple years older now. I was losing my will to want to get

good grades by eighth grade. Nights were frightening, it was chaotic and not safe. My

mother had found a cheap house but in a bad neighborhood of the city. There were only

two bedrooms, one which my parents had and the other shared by both brothers and

myself. We seldom had much to eat and my parents were gone daily, selling picture

coupons to try and make a living. At home, my mother tried to give me a bit of privacy

with a make-shift screen but it just would not do. Besides, it was facing the street, making

it easy to sneak out. As I look back, I remember never having an adult I could talk to, much

less depend on. Yet, l did look up to my mothers two sisters. Even though they had thrown

us out of their alcoholic sisters house, I knew they were tough. They seem to be made of

steel. Nothing could break them. Ironically, there was a safe feeling when I was around

them. They were so powerful. Living with my grandpa in their big old colonial, was always

in the back of my mind. It was just two miles south of our rented house but in a much

safer part of town, and above all, a good school district.

But who does that at my age? Why was I needing to act like the parent here? I was

wanting to up and leave and seriously believe it will all work out. No looking back, no time

to justify and no way back. It was my eldest Aunt Laura, the one who had always taken

me under her wing. She had planted that seed. She had told me so many times when I

visited her, “You have to write the letter, you must write that letter and leave. All will be

well.“

Yet, in the back of my mind, of course I knew it would be a break, and a loss if I wrote it,

there would most certainly be “No way back”.

Inside my mind I knew all the justifiable good reasons to leave. I understood where my

aunt was coming from when she told me what a bad father I had and how bad my

mother had become, allowing all that abuse on us children to take place. She told me

the letter had to end with an ultimatum. I must tell my mother I would not be coming

back to her, ever, unless she left my father for good.

There had been so many promises. At thirteen years old now, I understood life in a very

strange, hypocritical, dark way, and as my aunt Irene had said, “Who’s kidding who? ”So

many horrific events, I had learned to block them all out now. I wish I could say my aunts

taught me about my faith, but they used God in a strange, hypocritical way. Everything

they did was the opposite of how I understand Jesus to be. Yet, they did give me an

outline of how to make it through things. They were unbelievably strong. They just did not

give up at anytime and they seemed to be afraid of nothing. I guess that rubbed off on

me.

Still, I never believed I would leave. One afternoon, I was at the height of my fear, and after

a bad night of my parents drinking and abuse when my aunt called and asked me to

come spend the weekend, I agreed. It was at her house, where she dictated the letter for

me to write. She told me I was doing this to “save” our family. I never had a different plan,

so I used hers.

Be careful in life, because when you don’t have a plan, someone gives you theirs.

I realized there was no way back because her plan suddenly became mine. My aunt

convinced me to write the letter. “Tell your mother you will only come home to get your

things. You will stay here now. “If she loves you, she will leave your dad now.”

I remember asking my aunt, “but what about my brothers, where can they go?”

My aunt smiled at me, touched my shoulder gently but firmly saying, “You can’t think of

saving them right now, you have to think about how brave you are in doing this. The letter

will bring your mother to her senses. She will leave him. When she gets your letter, wait

and see”. This was my aunt at her best, control. She was a master at control,

manipulation and doing things one way, her way.

I remember that moment, I turned off my feelings. I had lived in fear for so long. What she

was saying, I wanted to be true. But inside I knew my mother would never, ever leave him

and in the end everyone I left behind would hate me.

There could have been healthy choices. But all the people around me were to say the

least, dysfunctional in a very severe way. My aunt should not have pitted me against my

family, used me as a pawn. However here’s an interesting fact, I allowed it. I definitely did

allow it, and there was no way back.

Its taken me a long time to see unless I pray and have a healthy plan for my life,

I may follow someone else down Into the darkness. There is no turning around

once we choose and go down that road. There is no way back.

Life decisions are like that. IF only I had known how easy it is to follow HIM. One little

prayer asking for guidance works! THE REASON IS THIS; IT IS UP TO ME, ALL UP TO ME.

I COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH FREE WILL - JESUS WILL NEVER PUSH HIMSELF ON TO ME.

This is true and an amazing awareness. Once I understand this, I make good choices.

This is one of my favorite sayings by Calvin Coolidge.

PERSISTENCE

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not;

Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.

Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.

Education will not; the world is full educated derelicts.

Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent.”

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So just imagine how powerful I can feel with prayer, persistence and determination!

“Do I have a spiritual plan for my own life today?”

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