“Health & hurting” Blog #39

A long time ago I wrote a song when I was a lonely teenager and it goes like this…

”There’s a reason why I’m sittin’ all alone, there’s a reason that nobody’s tried to phone,

there’s a reason why its Friday night and there’s still no one is sight, while I sit here trying

to hide my tears.”

Why did I write this? I was sixteen, sad and lonely. I wasn’t on any drugs, just sad and

lonely. Why I happened to remember that song now is because I just heard a statistic

on the air that was very frightening. It was about the explosion of teens on drugs. Down

through the ages there exists one truth. Young or old, a person can be depressed and

lonely. When you are young, loneliness is magnified greatly. I was depressed a lot as a

teenager and was hurting with of all things, constant toothaches! My parents never

took me to a dentist. I still recall wondering why I had to suffer with such toothaches.

Why were my parents so indifferent to my physical pain. Because they were immeshed

in a world of darkness. When it comes to health and hurting, these issues cross the

barriors of age and time.

So many of us believe, “if I can just meet the right person, I will be happy”. Still others

believe, “If I can just get out of this relationship, then I will be happy”. One fact is

painfully clear, we come in alone and we go out alone. It’s the “in-between time”, the

part where we really experience living that can get messy. However throughout life,

lessons come pouring down upon us.

As a teenager my family life was extremely dysfunctional. I mentioned before, how

I had a very abusive, alcoholic father and a mother that worked all the time and

enabled my father. She was the perfect definition of a “caretaker”. In my family there

were fights and anger and constant lies. Furniture was daily broken and formidible fear

permeated the family. My mindset was this, “If I can just get out of here, I can stop

hurting and be happy. If I can just meet the right guy and do my own thing, I can leave

all this behind me. He will make me happy.” I didn’t know this, “you can never meet the

right guy when you have the wrong mindset”.

With a painful past not dealt with, we make dark, dysfunctional, dramatic choices.

Many counselors have shared with me over the years, this important statement,

“You will always meet a mate or a partner at your level, the level you are at”. If you want

to stop hurting then seek good health, then a higher and a different perspective will

develop. No one ever told me these very wise words.

There is a confusing piece to all of this for children from alcoholic or drug infested

families. The child tries to look up to their parents for as long as they can. This means

“no matter what”, until the hurting has caused unhealthy calamity.

It is hard to admit a parent may have failed us when we were young. So we justify and

rationalize and reason all hurt away. As a pre-teen, I was able to escape and move

over to my grandfathers house. I went to high school and finally had something I had

not had in all the years of my life.

Peace and quiet.

I thought I had escaped, but no one can escape their thoughts and memories. I took all

the “bad internal videos” with me. The only way I knew now to stop my “hurting” was to

find a guy. I thought normal guys were boring. I was drawn to bad, distant behavior

and people with big problems. I identified with these kind of guys. The kids that did well

in school and sports and clubs, I was uncomfortable with them. My teen age years

from ninth to twelfth grade found me sad an awful lot.

Why is this? Partly being a teenager and more so not having a role model. I wrote sad

poems and sad songs and found I was depressed a lot.. This was who I was. My own

parents were too busy feeding off of each others dark daily drama. The only tools they

shared with me while I was a teenager was to say, “don’t you ever drink or smoke”, while

they did this daily. Seldom no money for bread and milk but always the case of beer,

whiskey and cigarettes. Sad scenario of misplaced priorities still abounding in

households today.

My parents never took me to the dentist. I remember being embarrassed at school

because I had two cavities right between my two front teeth! A piece of cotton was

wedged there for months on end, until finally my aunts had seen enough and moved

me over to my grandpas house and my aunt took me to the dentist. Priorities of

cigarettes, alcohol and drugs first, before anything else. I needed a good counselor

early on. A counselor to help show me how to make better choices. My grandfather

was too old, my aunts were too wrapped up and involved in their restaurant business.

These tidbits of my growing up years have proven this to me, each and every one of us

are a culmination of our experiences from our families. We are filled with the

repercussions of choices made in anxious moments. Whatever we have lived through

growing up, adults in our lives have much to do with “How we look at life”. It forces our

youth to giveway to adulthood, good or bad.

Throughout my own life I became a “caretaker”, not a caregiver.

In the back of my mind, I was comfortable wanting and thriving on “fixing people”.

Especially people that were hurting badly. Many years of counseling and therapy

brought me to safely make this statement, “being a caretaker brings on more hurt and

bad health”. It is so much better to choose to be a CAREGIVER.

I did a lot of caretaking for Bridget. Even all through college and when she moved away

to Chicago to go to grad school, she was drinking a lot in college. After this, she met

someone and was making bad choices. In a nutshell, she was now with a loser. She

had left good friends and people that supported her all through college. Suddenly she

chose a darker path with a guy that was not only involved in drugs but was also

abusing her. I could only pray she would see the light because I could not help her.

She struggled daily with self esteem and continued to make dark choices for herself.

Four years of staying with someone that tore her down daily. Finally after he broke

her nose, she called me to come and get her and bring her home.

Relationships evolve, they are either healthy or hurtful. Good physical and good mental

health is what each of us need daily. Why do we pick the people in our life, that we do?

It depends WHERE WE ARE MENTALLY. If our family has hurt us, when do we reach out for

help? Is it in drugs & alcohol? Dark issues that have not been dealt with don’t just

disappear!

One of the reasons my faith is strong in my Lord is because I can give all of my hurt to

HIM. Every day HE shows me how to stay away from dark choices and dark thoughts of

wanting to hurt myself in any way. I know this is possible I sit quietly and take a deep

breath and In doing this, my health is better one day at a time. For, “this too, shall pass”

“Tomorrow its a brand new day”

When I was young I learned a poem that has stayed with me and been my motto down

through the years:

“The Man in the Glass”

By: Peter Dale Winsbrow, Sr.

When you get what you want ih your struggle for self, and the world makes you

King for a day, then go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what that guy

has to say. For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or wife who judgement upon you

must pass, but the person whose verdict counts most in your life is the one

staring back from the glass. He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,

for he’s with you clear to the end, and you’ve passed the most dangerous,

difficult test if the “Man in the Glass' is your friend. You can fool the whole

world down your pathway of years and get pats on your back as you pass,

but your final reward will be heartache and tears if you’ve cheated that

‘Man in the Glass”.

THE LIAR HATES THIS POEM. A person who lies to himself cannot live with this poem

because it means we must be honest internally with ourselves. Each of us can have

complete clarity in the understanding of good versus evil choices, if we but pray and

ask for help daily. I was told, and I believe, that “Our bodies are the Temple of God”. In

knowing this and believing this, our mind tells us to want to Eat healthy food and think

healthy thoughts. Then, sit back and watch your good habits grow! Anyone can start

now.

IF you are hurting today, ask for HIS help, he will hear. I promise you. I found Jesus.

I believe that now I am in the world and not of the world.

“Can you ask our Lord to help you find better health and less hurt today?

NOW LISTEN TO SONG FOR TODAY - CLICK PLAY BUTTON IN VIDEO BELOW